ZEN AND THE ART OF GUITAR MAINTENANCE

Looking for

2008-05-22T14:55:00.003+01:00

I'm just searching for someone so If I put her name on a blog the search engines will find it. It may just work

So we're looking for Shelley Forrest (AKA Wendy Fisher) ex manager of the band Cheap Flights. Fronted by the legend that was John Grimaldi.

Hey ho I've found Brett Salmon who played rhythm guitar and Andy the roadie.

contact here or through this blog.

That's all for now. BTW I'm still alive but incredibly busy being famous.

2007-11-02T11:17:00.000Z

So I called up Big Tony to see if I could borrow a brief case full of money. He's got plenty. His business is very cash driven and violent. He owed me a favour. The deal was done and Little Tony turned up at my gaff with the promised briefcase full of money in used notes. Non sequential. Funny thing is Little Tony is a huge guy and Big tony isn't. Those Italians eh? Having a laugh as usual. Little Tony walked in and placed the case on the side. He opened it snapping both locks at the same time. Slowly and deliberately he opened the case.
"Is da money." he said, his stern face not cracking once, "i county out, I county back inna da case."
He licked his thumb pulled out a wad and started counting. Slowly and methodically he took out each wad, counted and placed it on the floor.
When he'd finished we picked up the cash and threw it around.
"wass da madda you, you cray zeee man?"
"It's a for some photographs." I could tell Little Tony was not impressed.
Later on when we set up the Easter bunny shot, Little Tony smiled for the first time. He's a softy really. Just don't mess with him.

Mare of a job

2007-10-20T14:22:00.000+01:00

So I'm out on assignment photographing the official opening of a local community centre my brief as usual, take lots of happy smiling faces and generally capture the VIP's looking at stuff and chatting. But the most crucial thing is to get the Mayor cutting the ribbon. My camera chose to die at that exact moment, the moment the Mayor is cutting the ribbon my camera goes belly up. There's not even time to run the to car to get a spare camera. The moment is gone and the mayor walks on leaving me cursing my camera and cursing the bad luck in timing.
But it's sods law. If anything can go wrong it will go wrong and wrong at the worst possible moment. Your air con will pack in on the hottest day of the year. The central heating on the coldest, and windscreen wipers on the wettest.

I'm now the proud owner of a new camera specially flown in on an overnighter. Fabulous I'm back in business. What's more the camera is two thirds paid for just with this weeks work.

The Tower of Babel

2007-10-12T12:14:00.000+01:00

There's been a lot of confusion about the tower of Babel whereby "God" gave everyone a different language so they couldn't understand each other. I think it's about time the record was put straight. It had nothing to do with "God" or Gods retribution on man for being arrogant enough to attempt to build a tower to reach the heavens. No it is much simpler than that. What happened is the people of Babel built a Tower. Now it's true they may well have been arrogant enough to think they were building a tower to reach to the heavens, but God didn't give them all different languages. It was tourism. No one had ever seen the like before and tourist flocked in from around the known world, all speaking their own language so when the locals walked down their own streets they didn't understand a word that was being said and assumed God had smitten them. What they were smitten with was tourists. So they ripped down the tower so they could go back to a quiet life and all the tourists would go away.

Next time the true story behind Moses and the Ten commandments, as never heard before.

I loved my pub so much I bought it

2007-10-09T16:37:00.000+01:00

Yes friends it's true. I've been neglecting you and this blog for ages due to all the shennanigans involved in buying a pub. It's been a long old haul but finally we've done it. I say we meaning my business associate and I. I'm not allowed to say the word partner. The idea hatched over many rum and cokes and long conversations that lasted until the small hours earlier this year. Anyway this is my pub.It's quite big with two bars two gardens and a conservatory. So we've got plans some of them on the go already. For instance we've stolen a darts team from a pub that closed for refurbishment. They had to have somewhere to play. We're not giving them back, because they're a bunch of nice guys. We're also making the pub into a premier music venue. With bands on, cover bands Friday and Saturday and original bands on Sundays. It's starting to buzz. With my contacts with the magazine I work for
we're even holding a major charity music event with two stages and fourteen bands in one afternoon/evening. Cool. Lots of publicity and great fun.
One of the drawbacks is the lack of sleep I'm getting. I am rarely in bed before 2:00am and up again to go to my day job (the shop) then after work I'm a photographer for the magazine and in between times I'm interviewing and writing articles and busy being a music promotor booking bands and organising stuff. I'm not sure I have any time left over for just slobbing around. Not that I'd want to anyway. I can't watch TV if I do sit down I fall asleep. So I just keep on going. It's addictive being busy.

Mrs Mad Lady

2007-09-29T09:41:00.000+01:00

Mrs Mad Lady has just been to see me, as usual screaming about aliens mucking about with her electrickery supply and "them", the people out to get her and put her in prison by wrongful arrest and framing. I told her she had a very exciting life. She wheeled round, faced contorted and screamed at me "Do you think this is exciting? Have you any idea what it's like to have to hide everytime the door bell rings, to have to search your house everyday for signs of breakins and check each and everything in case it's been stolen? Have you? Have you? No you haven't a clue. You don't know, you know nothing. When they come round and steal your round things, and you have to buy another and even though I have power of attorney I can't get the money and they spend the money and I get the aggravation because it's not my fault and they do this to me and the post office has my round thing and they keep on denying they took it and the man from 118 who really should be living in 180 but I've seen him many times at 186 has been stealing from me but the police wont do anything and when they do something they steal from me as well. I've bought three round things in three months I have them on a plate and they should all be in the same place but they aren't because they stole them and now .... what can you do? No you don't know the first thing about round things, how can you? you're ignorant...." she walked out the door muttering something. "Come back when you've less time." I shouted after her. I love mad people.

It's a tough job

2007-08-23T10:24:00.000+01:00

I got a call from the magazine. Can I go down to the embankment and taste some beer? It's the Thirtieth Peterborough Beer Festival and one of the biggest in the country second only to Olympia. Although some would argue it's bigger than Olympia. I toddle on down presented myself at the hospitality tent and was sat down at a table where we had to taste 32 different beers. It was hell I tell you. The temptation to order the full pint of more than one of them was terrible. As it was to get through all 32 beers you had to limit yourself to less than a quarter of a pint each. Here's some guys on my table checking out the Premium beer category. I'm standing at the side of the road just minding my own business when this dude in a wheel chair comes scooting along, totally oblivious to the fact he was in the middle of the road facing the oncoming traffic. Never being more than a few feet away from my camera I took this shot. It's hard to portray in the photo but the car coming towards the camera was swerving to avoid him and interestingly the white van behind that was an ambulance.
Issue six of the magazine is coming out soon. We've been working really hard to bring you some quality articles and photos.

Missing Cat

2007-08-18T09:14:00.000+01:00

I found this on a lamp post outside my house. ..."or at least we can't seem to get rid of him." Cute.

The Office Party

2007-08-04T15:12:00.001+01:00

Hey ho and a merry Oh. Here's some pics I took at Hinchinbrook Country park last weekend. Clockwise from Top left Fringed Water Lilly, the fruiting body of Lords and Ladies, Water Mint and Branched Bur Weed. I must be getting all important an all cos the other day I got an Email from the BBC asking me who's hot on the music scene right now. I recommended a few band that they might like to put on the radio. So I go to a local posh hotel with m'camera because they're holding the annual staff party with a James Bond casino theme. Four 52inch plasma TV's showing four different James Bond films, white carpet throughout (which went into a skip the next day) roulette table black jack etc walls that change colour it was amazing. Then my friend at the hotel told me the budget for this one evenings entertainment £45,000. How much? Forty five big ones. Christ on a bike just for an office party? What happened to the crate of cheap fizzy plonk and a stack of cucumber sandwiches cut in triangles with their edges curling up as they dry out? They must love their staff. Can you feel the love? How much love can you feel for £45,000? I'm sure it's not a record. I'm sure there's other companies even more daft than that. I would bet there's been a few in the six figure region. If you've been to one let me know.

Sue Ryder

2007-07-28T10:17:00.000+01:00

At Unity held a fund raiser for The Sue Ryder Hospice. Their fund raising team is amazing they have to raise annually 1.2 million pounds just to keep the place going. Quite an achievement. So on the bill was The Ghears here's the lead singer giving it some with so much emotion and energy.Tomorrow it's the Peterborough Opera. Should be fun.
Thursday night someone had the audacity to try and give me a few tips on photography. I was polite. Nodded my head. Humoured him. Next day took a look a his website, he's posted photos I would delete instantly, never mind highlight them on a website. he's not going to get a job with the magazine. Why is it everyone with a camera thinks they're a photographer?

Apocalypse Now

2007-07-23T14:53:00.001+01:00

This is my good friend Clare. She's recently shaved all her hair off. When she told me I was shocked to say the least because normally she's quite shy. But we've been discussing her shyness a lot recently and she's come to the conclusion that to combat her shyness she needs "implosion therapy" Hence she cut her hair off so she can't "hide behind it".The funny thing is she doesn't know anything about implosion therapy, she worked it out by herself. Then she says she wants photos to celebrate the new Clare. So I'm thinking GI Jane and Ripley and Apocalypse Now. So we shot a load of stuff based on Apocalypse Now. Not literally but in the spirit of it, with Colonel Kurtz in the back of the mind. I think it worked out quite well. Clare was over the moon with the results.

Grunge photoshoot

2007-07-19T12:55:00.000+01:00

So Sunday I toddle off to Spalding to meet a band and photograph them. The brief was grunge band in posh surroundings for the contrast. They turned up clean cut and spotless. They didn't look out of place at all in the posh hotel with chandeliers.So we thought we'd do some rain shots, here's one of them. I'm not sure it's gonna be used in the magazine but it's a bit of fun. The Band? It's "Lyster Shailes". Pretty damned good as well, very professional but a lot of fun to be with.

We're heading headlong towards publishing day and Mel the editor is up to her eyeballs and I'm relaxing. I feel a little guilty that now she's doing ALL the work and I can't help. But I guess I've done my job. Until the next photoshoot. Which, as it happens, is tonight. A band called "Disposable Man". Never seen them before but reports are they're good.

Organic Guitars

2007-07-12T09:24:00.001+01:00

I took a trip over to Thorney to have a looksee at these guys making guitars. They are something else. Well they need to be if you're gonna chuck the best part of three big ones at them. So you guitar lovers out there feast your eyes on some Guitar Porn. Not only do they look the DBs but they sound great too.
We're now working on issue five of the magazine and it's going to be great. Loads of editorial and loads of great pics and lots of interesting stuff to read.
Check out issue four HERE

2007-07-07T14:13:00.000+01:00

The Luminarium. This installation is part of the Peterborough Festival. It's a huge inflateable structure designed by Artist Alan Parkinson. It's about 50metres long and 40 metres wide and consists of a series of domes linked together by a labrynthine maze of tunnels with little side pods everywhere where you can sit and relax. and There's piped music coming from somewhere, you're not sure from where, and coloured panels glow from the light outside. It's pretty cool.
Life is getting hectic right now. I've been promoted to Deputy editor of the magazine and I'm chasing around photographing stuff and writing stories. I'm knackered most of the time. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm having so much fun.

How cool is that?

2007-06-22T17:00:00.000+01:00

OK I've been pretending to be Arty and taken this photo of a deserted carpark. I think it's pretty cool. But then I am totally self centred and terribly immodest. Go on then shoot me down in flames, why don't you. Well we've put issue four of the magazine to bed yesterday. It's at the printers now and should be ready for distribution later in the month. But you can see it on line if you can't get a hard copy it'll be here on the same day the mag is released. But if you've missed the previous issues they're there already for you to look at and marvel at my fabulous photos. God help me. Let me switch off "self glorification mode".

Wow! We've been busy booking bands like mad and we've got a terrific line up of acts for the summer you can check it out here . Life just doesn't get much better than this.

Well apart from my daughter who has just got herself a job above over 300 other applicants, Beta testing and deglitching the new Grand Theft Auto. I think it's the fourth in the series. It's a full time job. So she's straight out of uni and straight into a job. How cool is that?

Rock on dudes

Video shoot

2007-06-14T16:19:00.001+01:00

Well I've been busy working for the magazine I don't seem to have any free time at all nowadays.Except I'm not complaining. What would I do with free time? Probably do more of what I'm doing now. So I've been working with these guys as a stills photographer while they shoot the video. I've been doinbg some publicity photography for a recording studio.
...and I've been workinig hard keeping the music club going. Booking bands like Pink and Ruby (below) she's slovenian and plays lovely acoustic numbers with floating harmonies. Actually she sings in slovenian as well. Then got bored and decided to sing and play the songs backwards as an experiment. The things people do for fame and fortune.
Last night i was photographing a guy who makes see through guitars. They've got acryllic bodies sometimes called plexiglass. It's not a new concept someones done it before but they're pretty cool and cheap.

The BMF Rally

2007-05-23T14:03:00.001+01:00

Last weekend I was one of the official photographers for the BMF Rally. Looking at the 100% biker forum I can see the people who went were not impressed. But I had a good time and got some great pics. This was taken about 8pm at the members camp site at Elton Hall. I love this photo, great colour. For entertainment they put on a few bands this was Hogwash a Glamrock covers band. They also had a band called Sabotage. The lead singer is a little girl of 10 years old. her brother is 12 and plays lead guitar. They played in front of 5000 people. Awesome.
Now this little fella has been in my garden for weeks now ferrying grubs and insects back and forth to his / her nest. I used a long lens (70-300mm) to get this but still I was only about 8 foot away when I took the shot. The Robin was surprisingly unbothered by my presence.

Art & Soul Magazine

2007-05-03T09:04:00.000+01:00

Busy Busy Busy. Working as a photographer for a magazine just fills up your days. Last night I was at the home of the editor who was interviewing Angryman a band. I was taking the photos this is one of them. Over the weekend I was shooting the BMF Music Festival at Great Stukeley near Alconbury Airbase. Three days of fun and frolics. It's a great job.

Apologies

2007-04-17T18:06:00.000+01:00

Apologies to everyone who has been looking here to find not much new. Particularly Del who doesn't comment much but collared me in the pub last night to remind me I haven't put anything up for him to read since April the 3rd. Well I've been busy doing some of this....also some of this....

But mainly I've been doing a lot for the new magazine I now work for as head photographer. Art & Soul magazine. It's dedicated to celebrating Art, Artists Sculptors, Poets, writer, musicians and bands. We've only released issue one so far but we've had massive positive response. Which is very heartening.

Meanwhile I am now a dot com. In as much as I have my own photographic website that was built for me in lieu of wages whilst the magazine gets going. you can check it out here www.mikeharrisphotography.com It's not in it's final state yet. The wording needs to be sorted and some of the photos removed. They web designeers just put shit loads of my photos on just so I could see what it looks like. We'll fine tune it soon when we have time. But basically that's it. Check it out. If you've comments or suggestions I'd be pleased to here them.

Meanwhile Rock on dudes.

Salt Marsh

2007-04-03T09:22:00.000+01:00

This is the salt Marches at Holbeach St Mathews on the Wash. I walked a mile to get here and still the sea was miles away. It's windswept and desolate but strangely beautiful. I liked it.

So I've been asked to host a quiz night at my local pub. Not a problem finding questions is easy. But I've one problem the tie break questions. These are questions where no one is going to know the exact answer but the closest wins. For instance how many grains of sand in a teaspoon. Impossible to get an exact figure but an approximation is possible. The closest wins. So if you've any suggestions for possible interesting tie break questions. Comment away. Cheers.

Money

2007-03-24T11:14:00.000Z

A friend of mine was telling me that the budget of his company for travel expenses was running at £10,000,000 a year. It came to a head when he and all the other regional representatives were asked to go to Cardiff for a meeting. His train ticket alone ran to £320 plus hotel bills. So he put in a suggestion to the managing director of the company. Perhaps they should in future hold all their meetings in New York as you can fly to New York for just £99 a saving of £221.

Now this IS crazy. I quoted a photographic job at £250, did the job and sent in the invoice. The PR company phoned me up straight away.
"What's with the £250."
"It's what I quoted and what was agreed." I said beginning to be a little worried, "What's the problem?"
"Well it's not enough. Can you possibly raise another invoice for more money."
"You want to pay me MORE money."
"Yes."
"How about £300?"
"That'll do nicely. Thank you it's a pleasure doing business with you."
I'm still trying to get my head around that. It's rather bizarre. Just like the job I went on recently when all the people were talking in a corporate language that is similar to English but then you wonder.
"We'll give you a heads up on when to take photos."
"It's great to have you on board touching base."
"Aas long as we're all singing from the same hymn sheet." Oh well.

Famous

2007-03-21T08:57:00.000Z

I'm famous, my daughter laughed her socks off when she read the article in the magazine. She said don't let your head get too big for your hat. I gotta confess it is a laugh the "legend" that is Mike Da Hat. Mind you there are some cool photographs that I'm proud of. The front cover photos are mine too. Well you can have a look at the magazine right here..... (I'm on page 23 and 24 I think)

http://www.artandsoulmagazine.com/create.html

Meanwhile I'm off to photograph some visiting civil dignitaries from London on a walk-about fact finding mission. Look it's a job alright? It pays the bills. And I get a free cup of coffee.

Wishing Wells

2007-03-12T07:46:00.000Z

Have you ever thought about why wishing wells? There's a very good scientific reason for them.In the past before running water and purification plants people had to rely on wells. So they'd dig a well. Then for good luck they'd toss a silver coin into the well. Why? Silver just happens to have disinfecting properties. Which is why rich people often used silver ware for their food,it kept their food fresher for longer. So if you threw a silver coin into someones well then you were wishing them good luck with their water supply by helping the water stay pure. It carried on so people threw any old coin in and the real reason was lost.

As an interesting point, and why I am teling you this, one of the washing machine manufacturers has brought out a washing machine that features a silver anode that releases silver particles into the wash, thus keeping the machine bacteria free and your clothes cleaner. So now you know.

Total Eclipse of the Moon

2007-03-06T16:23:00.000Z

Todays paper featured a full page spread (page three) of my work. The above photo is the work in question it's of last Saturdays total eclipse of the moon. I'm quite pleased with it. It's a photomontage of course and not time lapse or anything like that. I took the pics using my canon EOS350D with a 300mm lens with image stabiliser and tripod mounted. They even published a picture of me as well. Wow! So I'm all made up. I've been promoted from my usual page 7 or 9 to page 3. I've yet to make the front page but I'll get there.

Meanwhile at my club we've got the final of the Band of 2007. It's gonna be great we've got three fantastic bands competeing. Well they have to be good to get into the final. The semis and the final have generated so much interest and we're expecting the venue to be packed. Craig, my trainee music promoter, and I will share the compereing duties for the night. Then Shaggy will take over for the announcment of the final winners and hand out the prizes.
Meanhwile we've got the very lovely Heather McVey doing a set to entertain the punters while the votes are counted. You've got to check out Heathers
myspace site and listen to her voice, she is awesome she has a voice that will melt you, rich and powerful, a bit like Annie Lennox. Go on check her out you know you want to just CLICK HERE

2007-03-05T09:31:00.000Z

Walking the Line

2007-02-28T13:30:00.000Z

So I'm propping up the bar totally deflated that the poxy Trivial pursuit machine has fleeced us of another £2 by asking goddamned stupid questions that no one can possibly know the answer to. The barman walks up "Cheer up." he says "We're cleaning the lines tonight."
"Whoopeee!"
Now to clean the lines they got to draw off, because of the distance from the tap to the barrel, on average of three pints a tap. There's seven taps in the public bar and another five in the saloon that all need cleaning.
Last customers are shown the door leaving the hardcore regulars, blinds are pulled lights turned down low and the barman proceeds to start pulling the pints / I mean wastage. I don't think anyone has shown so much interest in the pulling of a pint ever before. Except this pint is free, we look at each other like some magnificent seven showdown who's going to be first to grab the free pint, before we can decide and before knives are drawn there's another pint on the bar then another before we know it theres twenty one pints on the bar of all types of beer and they're still coming and there's only five of us.
We drank, we quaffed we could have bathed in the stuff, it was all free,wonderful. The stories told at the bar became longer, links more tenuous, jokes for some unknown reason hilarious. But even when the beer is free certain factors come into play.
1. I can only physically drink so much.
2. I'm already pissed
3. I've got to work tomorrow
4. there was a fourth point it was ever so relevant last night.

We get a taxi home, "You coming in for a night cap?" my mate asks "Usual rum and coke to see you to bed."
"Am I eckerslike." it's my northern upbringing that comes out when I'm drunk.

Too Old

2007-02-26T14:49:00.000Z

So I'm getting old. I go for a walk in the local park, check out the flora situation, Coltsfoot are out now, but there's too many people. Too many screaming kids. Too many kids on bikes tear arsing about. I like my peace and quiet. I like solitude after a day dealing with the public. It occurred to me that it was not to many lifetimes ago that I was one of those parents with screaming kids. Tolerating the tears and the tanturms with not so much as a bat of the eye. and now? No thanks been there done that bought the T-shirt. This pic, just to give you some encouragement, was taken with a Fuji Finepix S5500, not a great camera just a run of the mill 4mp point and shoot. But it goes to show that this difficult of all shots a white flower can be captured and still maintain some texture of the white petals without resorting to incredibly expensive cameras. Rock on dudes.

Customers tish!

2007-02-22T16:44:00.000Z

FRIENDS. I have been lax of late on this blog. I apologise, I've been busy working for the BBC doing THIS
I've also been terribly busy doing THIS a lot of time I've spent fielding emailings and enquiries and from HERE so I haven't had time to devote to you.

My engineer at work has been complaining of not feeling well. He's been feeling rough so he's not worked as hard or a quick as he usually does so there's a back log of work to do. This morning he came to work complained he just couldn't manage anything and went home. This afternoon I get a call, he's been rushed into hospital and is on morphine. Shit! That's a bit sudden. They're not sure what's wrong with him yet.

I get a call from a customer a lovely lady called Angie. She wanted to know if her machine was repaired. No. Why not? because my engineer is currently lieing in a hospital bed with a morphine drip in his arm that's why.
"So why didn't you have the courtesy to inform me of this and let me know my machine couldn't be fixed."
Have you ever had to bite your lip so you don't let of a tirade of abuse down the phone to some unfeeling selfish bitch? I bit my lip put on a smile so it showed in my phone voice.
"Well actually it's a bit hectic here with only me at work and everyone else off sick, what with flu and now this." there was a continuous tone in my ear she'd hung up on me.

ten minutes ago she walked into my shop. Aked for her machine. With a smile and a skip in my step I fetched it and handed it over. She said nothing just snatched it from my hand and marched to the door. With the door open she turned. "I suppose there's no point reminding you because you already know your service is shit."
"Thank you." I cooed "Love you missing you already." and she was gone.
Well if my standard of service is shit her standards of being a good customer are worse. But that's OK isn't it? I mean she'll black list our establishment and tell all her friends how shit we are. But what if I went round all the other shops. You don't want her in your shop she's not a good customer, nothing but trouble. I don't think people would like that would they?

Customers eh?

Because I'm worth it.

2007-02-12T14:40:00.000Z

Shhhh! Don't say a word. But I've been experimenting. I'd been listening to some old twaddle on RADIO 4 when they were banging on about alternative lifestyles etc. Then in amongst all the chat some dude was saying he never washed his hair, qualifying that rather quickly with never washing his hair with shampoo or any other detergent or chemical.

Ha ha what would happen if I try it. It'll save me some dosh on shampoo straight away if nothing else. So I stopped washing my hair with shampoo just vigourous rubbing in clean water under the shower.

After four days my hair is soft and silky and quite nice really.
After one week my hair got a bit greasy and stuck up in all sorts of directions.
10 days it's back to being soft and silky.

That was five weeks ago. I still haven't washed my hair with anything other than clean warm water. Simon came to see me stopped dead in his tracks looked at me carefully and said "Have you been having hair implants or summat?"
"No why?"
"You've got more hair, it's not so thin."

Now I'm sure I haven't found a cure for baldness, but what I think might be happening is my hair isn't falling out as fast as before therefore staying attached to my head longer before it falls out in the natural cycle of things.

So up yours l'Oreale you can stick your shampoo I shant be buying it. Why? Because I'm worth more.

Scams

2007-02-01T10:46:00.000Z

Here's the latest scam letter I've recieved. This one is interesting because it doesn't mention Nigeria. Oh oh we've moved to Russia.

DEAR FRIEND,

MY NAME IS MRS. LARISA SOSNITSKAYA, PERSONAL SECRETARY TO MR. BORIS MIKHAIL KHODORKOVSKY,THE ARRESTED CHAIRMAN/CEO OF YUKOS OIL AND BANK MENATEP SPB IN RUSSIA WHO IS PRESENTLY IN JAIL. I HAVE THE DOCUMENTS OF A LARGE AMOUNT OF FUNDS WHICH HE HANDED OVER TO ME BEFORE HE WAS DETAINED AND TRIED IN RUSSIA ON CHARGES OF TAX EVASION AND FOR FINANCING POLITICAL PARTIES (THE UNION OF RIGHT FORCES, LED BY BORIS
NEMTSOV AND YABLOKO, A LIBERAL/SOCIAL DEMOCRATIC PARTY LED BY GREGOR YAVLINSKY) OPPOSED TO THE GOVERNMENT OF MR.VLADMIR PUTIN,THE PRESIDENT THEREBY LEADING TO THE FREEZING OF HIS FINANCES AND ASSETS.

AFTER SEARCHING THROUGH THE BOOKS OF YOUR COUNTRY'S CHAMBERS OF COMMERCE AND INDUSTRIES HERE IN RUSSIA I AM CONTACTING YOU TO ASSIST ME TO RE-PROFILE THE FUNDS AND EQUALLY INVEST SAME ON HIS BEHALF. THE TOTAL AMOUNT OF FUNDS TO BE RE-PROFILLED IS FORTY SIX MILLION DOLLARS (USD$46,000,000.00) AND YOU WILL BE PAID 20% FOR YOUR MANAGEMENT SERVICES.

AS SOON AS I RECEIVE YOUR ACCEPTANCE IN MY PERSONAL EMAIL ADDRESS THUS:
laskaya-2007@excite.com I WILL SEND YOU THE NECESSARY DETAILS AND MY IDENTIFICATION.

YOURS SINCERELY,

MRS. LARISA SOSNITSKAYA.

PS My comrades and I look forward to emptying your glorious bank account and making you look the complete twat for you believing things what we say. You are deserving everything you get you dumb fcuk.

Chips

2007-01-25T14:47:00.000Z

...and how come other peoples chips always taste better than yours?
A friend of mine came in with a tray of chips. I nicked one it was fantastic (as chips go)so full of anticipation I rushed over to the same chip shop to fill up on these fantastic chips. Mine were rubbish.

Angels with Dirty Faces

2007-01-24T10:47:00.000Z

Why is it that the more carbon dust or black grease you have on your hands the more likely it is that you need to scratch your nose?

Got a big job on today doing photographs for a major insurance company. The pics will go in the national press and they are going to pay me shed loads of money. Actually I've got to earn the shed loads of money because not only do they want the pictures taken within twenty four hours but they also gave me a deadline of Thursday lunchtime for the pics to be delivered.
So I shall be working through the night to get the job done.
Not too much trouble for £750.

Numpty of the Week

2007-01-22T16:48:00.000Z

He hands over a belt. "Have you another one of these?" he asks.
I look at belt and can't see anything wrong with it.
"What's wrong with the belt why do you want another one?"
"Because the motor wont turn."
Duh?
The pic is of half a tree that was washed down the river after the high winds. It got stuck in this weir.

Early Spring

2007-01-16T16:41:00.000Z

So it's 14th January 2007 and spring has sprung all around. here's a whole bunch of Snowdrops, they must have been there a week already.
Then we have this seemingly boring plant which is in fact a Lords and Lady.
Finally there's the Winter Aconites. They usually come up after the Snowdrops but not far after.is this a sign of Global Warming or is this just a particularly warm january?

The BBC

2007-01-13T16:35:00.000Z

This week I was approached by the BBC to do some work for them. So as it didn't involve doing anything I don't already do I accepted the job. I'm now a talent scout for Aunty. All I have to do is blag demo CDs off bands I see and make up a press pack for the DJs. That's cool and a huge big up for my street credibility.
This week I've also been asked to manage a couple of bands. I dind't say no but then I didn't say yes either. I'm thinking about it. We're toying with the idea of Unity Management. Unity being my music club I run with Andrew every Thursday. But it could end up being a load of hard work for little of no return. Yikes! Not good.

Todays photo is one I like if only because it's calm and soothing and has this B&W vibe going on even though it was shot in colour

Covert Surveillance

2007-01-11T10:00:00.000Z

A friend of mine has been considering the private investigation business, with a view to earning some cash. So he put an advert on the web. "Do you suspect your husband/wife ischeating on you?" that sort of thing. He got 120 replies in one day. That's gotta tell you something. We could end up being dicks. Complete dicks. Another random photo.

Album Cover

2007-01-10T17:31:00.000Z

Here's a rejected album cover I created for a friend. We were roaming around on Sunday looking for the money shot and found this bonfire. I love fires. SoI stoked it up a bit and got Richard to stand as close to it as possible. "it's fecking hot!" was his comment. "Where's your professionalism man? Get closer."

Winter

2006-12-28T10:56:00.000Z

One of the bizarre things about sharing a house with a south African, apart from the fact that most South Africans I've met are madder than a bag of snakes and love to partay, is they love a barbecue. It's traditional at Christmas to have a barbecue. Rory phoned me up. "Get home, We're having a barbecue."
"What? It's minus two degrees and you want a barbecue?"
"Sure. It's traditional." So we had a barbecue out in the garden. Dontcha just love life? Can you fecking Adam and Eve it? Christmas Eve morning I'm dozing in bed after a skin full the night before at our barbecue and enjoying one of the few lie ins I can have in a year when I am brought to complete wakefulness by hammering on the door. In my dressing gown I go down stairs to see who it is. The bleeding police. The road outside is swarming with police cars and occifers. Now to the best of my knowledge I've never been to Ipswich, nor have I murdered anyone absent mindedly, so what gives?
"Is that your car Sir?"
"er yes."
"It's causing an obstruction."
My car is in the exact same place it's been for the last six months, no one has ever complained. Now it's Christmas Eve and the police have nothing better to do than hunt out soft targets to boost their coffers. I got a ticket. Which really started my Christmas off nicely. Ian and Rory both said "We'll fight them every inch of the way."
Boxing day I went walking in the woods to clear out the muzziness in my head that I've had ever since I started imbibing the ol' festive spirit. These are some of the images I captured.

Doing an all nighter

2006-12-18T09:20:00.000Z

Well my politician was a no show yesterday. It seems he got shit faced on an all night bender, so didn't make the photoshoot. Hmmmm. Anyway not wanting to waste a day I high tailed it down to the recording studio where I found Jimmy Kidnap and Point Seven Pistol took a few shots. This is one of them. Bless 'em. I say I want you all lieing on the floor. They go "Sure what ever you want." Great guys.
Todays game is guess which party the politician belongs to. I'll give you a clue, it aint the Monster Raving Loony party. Funnily enough most people guess straight away. Is this indicative of the state of politics now, where everybody knows straight away that if a politician is totally shit faced then he's got to belong to a certain party? I wonder... guess away.

Party Politics

2006-12-16T13:44:00.000Z

Laydees an Gennulmen I give you The Playful Rays. A finer bunch of girlies you couldn't hope to meet. They're all about 16 and play in a punk pop band. I've virtually all but given up using the flash gun at gigs. I take the shots on speed priority and they all come out black initially, but then I photoshop them and get this grainy effect then it's a matter of playing with the colours.
Tomorrow I'm on a photoshoot for the local party candidate. I shant say which party in case I get hate mail for having the wrong politics, which I haven't because I have NO politics. Anyway I'm going to be following him around taking shots as and when I see fit hopefully putting together a portfolio of pics for his campaign. Look it's a job! OK?

The money shot

2006-12-11T23:28:00.000Z

Today I was out on a job and being a tidy sort of engineer I said I'd put out the rubbish from my job. The bin was in the back garden as I walked out I spotted a stylish leather settee languishing in the rain. "What's the settee dpoing in the back garden?" I asked.
"Oh we bought it then couldn't get it into the flat. It's too big for our narrow doors."
"So why didn't you take it back?"
"The shop was shut."
"But leaving it outside.....?"
"There was no where to put it."
So they left it outside and it rained. It got wet and the shop refused to take it back. They didn't know what to do so they left it for three more days. The upshot of it is I got it for free and our friend Ian is going to dry it out using the industrial blowers for his bouncy castles. Sorted. Now Rory has a leather sette to slob on.
This is yet another "Queen type" head shot montage. I'll get fed up with doing them soon. Or maybe the bands will just stop asking me to do them, as it will have been done to death. Believe it or not the light came solely from one of those garden stones with a light in. As usual pushing the camera to it's limits. I particularly liked the image of the guy on the left just making it a little different. I knew that was the money shot the second I took it.

Drivers they should ban

2006-12-08T15:22:00.000Z

We have a carpark near us and almost everyday I see the wife or the husband get out of the passenger seat and start directing the driver as he/she reverses out of the car park. Now it occurs to me why are these people on the road? If they can't reverse out of a parking space or whatever without assistance then I'm sorry buty they should have their licence taken away until they pass a test to prove they can do it by themselves. The amount of times I've seen husband or wife almost run over their partners who have been standing directly behind the car shouting "STOP!!!".
Can you imagine taking your driving test and after being asked by the examiner to reverse round a corner you say "Can you get out and see me round?" It's ludicrous. But still there's people driving on our roads who shouldn't have a licence and not just the people who read the newspaper whilst driving, or have breakfast, shave, or have sex (yes I've been in the back of a car whilst the driver was being seen to by someone in the front)no not just those people because they're just plain stupid, it's those people who are so terrified of their own car and others that they become a danger to everyone. They are so nervous they stop at the end of a slip road as they try to get on a motorway. They drive at 20mph and if you get even vaguely close they slam on the brakes.
I've ranted enough. Your turn...

For Cherry

2006-12-06T08:40:00.000Z

Just for Cherry here's a non arty shot of the girls. (The Neumes)Go see them they're great.

Lilly pads

2006-12-04T09:09:00.000Z

These are three of my most favourite people. They are "The Neumes". They're three sisters who play in the same band. Eleanor, Emily and Charlotte. This is an improvised publicity shot I did for them. I'm not sure it works. But it's interesting. I tend to try and use what's available and as such I'm a bit of an opportunist when it comes to photography. A singer friend of mine asked me to do some nude shots of her. Woah! Hold me back. But as usual it's not that simple. Her concept is to have a photo of her floating just underneath the water, hair everywhere, with lilly pads in strategic places. I'm sure it's been done before but who cares I love the idea and if she's going to get her kit off for it I'm not going to complain. I think I might end up shooting her in a childrens paddling pool. Then photoshopping her into a lake with lilly pads. Or we might just sling her in the lake.

2006-11-30T11:45:00.000Z

You know in this world full of people trying to blow us up, rip off our credit cards, murder us in our beds, lie, cheat, thieve and any other manner of aweful things It never ceases to amaze me just how many wonderful people there are in the world. It makes you think about what is really going on. I mean if you believe everything you read in the papers and see on the news, the world we live in is nothing short of hell on earth.

Making an exhibition of myself

2006-11-28T08:32:00.000Z

This is the lead guitarist with a folk band called Intwined. They're pretty good.

My photo exhibition is tomorrow. I've got the photos all done. 18 of them blown up to A3 size. Unfortunately I've also got to play tomorrow night, which I didn't want to do. But it's in the newspaper that I'm playing so I guess I gotta. I'd much prefer to attend to my exhibition and let people tell me how wonderful I am. But as it is I've got to play and take loads MORE photos. The upside of that is my subjects will be some of my favourite people like Irene Rae, Heather McVey and Tammy Garcia.

It's a tough life

2006-11-24T13:34:00.000Z

Got a couple of new jobs last night. The first was to take photographs of our official labour party candidate prior to the next election. OK it's boring. I'm not a political type person, but hey! the guy bought me a beer. He's got my vote.
The second job is much much more interesting. We have a strip club near us who need some publicity pics done. Of course they can't have pics with regular punters in shot so they're closing for the evening and inviting friends and family etc for a private party. This is when I'll be going along. So I'm going to get paid a shit load to take photos of beautiful naked Laydees. My friend said he'd do it for £50 and a blow job. I need to pay bills so I'll forsake the blowjob in favour of the full £450.00. It's a tough life.
Meanwhile the subject of todays pic is Andy Whittle, folk singer and all round very nice guy. It's also one of the photos to feature in my forthcoming exhibition.

Bjorn yesterday

2006-11-22T14:37:00.000Z

The new James Bond film is brill. Saw it last night, missed dinner because of it. Went to bed starving but it was worth it. Meanwhile ABBA UK have asked me to do a photoshoot for them. It's not the real Abba of course it's a tribute band that plays all over the country. I just happen to know the keyboard player. So another case of who you know rather than what you know.

Then I'm off to London again to shoot another band and finally this is Richard I was doing a few shots for the inside of his album cover this is one shot I particularly liked.

Lazy Weekend

2006-11-21T15:33:00.000Z

So I had a lazy weekend playing with the camera and doing not much at all. But sometimes that's great. Got a letter from Sony BMG they want to buy some photos. But can't afford to pay for the whole package of 160 pics @ £450. What Sony BMG can't afford a poxy £450? Who are they trying to kid? They spend more than that in a dinner time entertaining people. I've a good mind to tell em to go forth and multiply. Because quite frankly they're taking the piss. So if you've any good advice on what I should do or not do comment away. Basically they want to cherry pick the photos and pay me a pittance. Despite 8 hours on the photoshoot and a weeks worth of photo editing .
So the top picture is my beloved Ovation geetar and the bottom picture is where I was walking on Sunday. Actually I wasn't doing Jesus Christ impressions by walking on water. I was walking alongside the water.

Christmas Cards

2006-11-15T13:17:00.000Z

This year I intend to send all my Christmas cards Psychically. So during the next couple of weeks I'll be thinking very hard of a Christmas card and psychically sending it to you via telepathy. I'll be doing it individually because I'm not sure my powers are enough to do a one off global telepathic mail shot.
So if during the next few weeks you get a thought about Christmas and Christmas cards, well that will be me sending you my Psychic card. It could be just a fleeting thought because as I say I'm a beginner at this telepathy lark, but be sure to know it's me sending you the greetings. if you think of Christmas more than once it may be me trying again because I wasn't confident I got through first time. Just treat the second thought as a missed call and ignore the rest of your christmas thoughts. Or rejoice in the knowledge that I care so much about you I'm making you think of Christmas a load of times.

Drink

2006-11-14T09:46:00.000Z

Here's one of my drunks. He's OK, very polite, hardly ever any trouble. So it's a bit unfair to lable him a "drunk". Because he's one of the professional drunks. He drinks. It doesn't seem to affect him. Unlike his friend this morning who had just come out of prison after being banged up after his mother and father both died and his fourteen year old daughter was raped. He went mad did some stupid things and got banged up. They were both drinking Tennents Super. Which should be illegal. Unnecessarily strong. The younger one straight out of prison was falling down drunk. He crushed the flowers for his mothers grave in the fall.

More from London

2006-11-11T16:05:00.000Z

Here's those siters of harmonious stuff I mentioned there's one missing because she was poorly sick and bad. Here's someone else from the showcase.

How's it going?

2006-11-09T09:22:00.000Z

Saturday I went to London to do a photoshoot for Sony BMG. Met some"top" people, most of whom were so up their own arses it was laughable. The bollocks that was being talked was incredible. Every thing and everyone hyped to the max. Each act was the next big thing. They were going to "go national" they'll be seen "everywhere and I mean everywhere. You wont be able to move without seeing these guys". Yeah right! Actually to be fair the show was pretty good. But the next big thing? I don't think so.

Anyway I'm hitting the pavement on my way somewhere when this dude I know crosses my path. I greet him with "How are you?"
"Getting there." he says.
"Getting where?"
"There."
"But where's there?"
"I don't know. It's what you say innit. Maybe 'there' is just round the corner."
"Maybe it's that place you get to ten seconds before you croak."
"You're daft. Anyway how's it going with you?"
"How's what going?
"It."
"Define 'it'."
"Why can't I ever have a regular conversation with you?"
"What? You mean along the lines of 'How are you? I'm fine. Me too. Goodbye'? Where's the fun in that?"

Tough job

2006-11-04T15:45:00.000Z

I'm back in the recording studio on Sunday to shoot a band called "Angryman" who are recording their new Album. I've heard a few rough cuts of it and it's brilliant. I loved their first album but compared with the new one it was overproduced a little too nice. This new album has guts and that raw edge that gives it vitality. Now I'm just ticking off the minutes before I high tail it off to London to photograph Abi for Sony records. It's a tough job but someones got to do it. Meanwhile a friend of mine who works for Bike magazine as a photographer has an exhibition coming up. I asked where it was because I'd love to see his work. It's at the "Adult Warehouse" Hmmmm I suspect his exhibition will not be photos of Motorbikes. Meanwhile my own exhibition is scheduled for the end of November. Lots to do.

Rock on dudes

Changes

2006-10-31T10:28:00.000Z

It's a funny thing I just got a letter from the solicitors representing the owner of the property I as squatting in. Seems he's had a change of heart and now wants me to live there again, for security reasons. Actually it makes sense to have someone on the property at all times. So to sweeten the deal he's proposing a rental of £1000 a year. Hmmm That's much cheaper than my legit rent and this will be legit too. I'll have to think about it. I'm committed to at least another few months in my regular house but I must admit I'm inclined to move back to the hustle bustle and noise of the city.
The pic I took in the woods yesterday it was 20C. lovely and warm. We haven't even put the central heating on yet. I shall have to learn how before it gets really cold. Which got me thinking. If I'm not putting the heating on because it's too warm then I'm not burning fossil fuels and contributing to the carbon dioxide in the air so there'll be less, so problem solved. Maybe too simplistic.

Superheros night

2006-10-27T09:34:00.000+01:00

Every town should have a super hero and in Peterborough we've got them in spades. Although Robin looks a bit worse for wear. So here they are righting wrongs and drinking far too much... oh and I had a good night too.

...at the third stroke....

2006-10-25T09:21:00.000+01:00

Regional accents for the speaking clock? That's new.
"ay up at t'thud strork it'll be 9:15 tha' knows"
"Hey homies at da thurd stroke it'll be... whatever. Stay cool man."
"At the third stroke we draw blood an you beg for mercy."
"At the third stroke it will be all over. Typical where can you get a man with staying power?"
Or the rural speaking clock
"AT the third stroke it will be autumn and you can start your winter drilling."
or the pessimists speaking clock
"At the third stroke you will be ten seconds closer to death."
or the advertisers speaking clock
"At the third stroke the time sponsored by Wye Valley Kitchens and bathrooms will be..."
The doctors speaking clock
"At the third stroke perhaps you will take my advice and stop drinking and smoking so heavily."

phone stress

2006-10-23T15:38:00.000+01:00

Not much riles me. I'm pretty laid back as a rule. But there is one thing that makes me scream, the blood pressure go up, and want to kil someone. That's phones. I can't stand it when a phone is engaged. I've got work to do. I need to get on. I can't be doing with pushing redial every ten seconds and then... Why do some parents think it's really cute to let their children answer the phone? Look I'm in business. Time is money and I don't need to spend valuable time trying to get a small child to hand the phone over to their mother who is presumably standing right next to said small child thinking "oh she's so grown up with a phone in her ear."
"Can I speak to your mummy?"
"I got a new toy."
"Is your mummy there?"
"We're gone swimming."
"Give the phone to mummy darling."
"I'm talking to Daddy."
...and why do they insist on their answerphones that we're going to be rolling on the floor laughing at those cute answerphone messages that say "Mummy and daddy aren't here right now." oh how I laugh at those. And the messages that list every single member of the family including the bleeding Yorkshire Terrier. "Jeff, Lynn Isabelle Rachel, Charlie and Mrs Tiggy winkles aren't in right now..."
I'll draw a veil over that one.
Talking of which the school learning assistant lost her case for unfair dismissal because she insisted on wearing a veil when a member of male staff was in the same room. Now what they didn't seem to mention much was she felt it quite acceptable to go to the job interview without a veil to get the job, whilst being interviewed by a man. Now it seems to me in this case that she got the job under false pretenses. So they were fully within their right to sack her just for this alone. I mean if you interviewed someone who wasn't wearing a veil the last thing you'd think would be that it would become a problem. If it was going to be a problem she should have said so in the first place.

Sheeps and Goats

2006-10-21T15:38:00.000+01:00

I'm in the dubious position of trying to rent out some commercial property. As a result I've had the dregs of society coming round to view and tell me their crackpot ideas of what they want to do with it. The best was this asian guy who came round to view intending to open a halal butchers shop. But he was more interested in the car park at the side. In particular a drain in the centre of the car park.
"Nice drain." he says.
I humour him by saying "It's functional."
"Is Ok I bring sheeps and goats?"
Now I'm a tolerant sort of chap, but the last thing I need is some asian butcher slaughtering "sheeps and goats" in my car park, turning it into some scene from a horror movie. One little death throw of it's poor dieing body will have blood all over my lovely Renault Meganne Scenic. I tell him to go forth and multiply in a nice way.

Billy two gigs

2006-10-17T09:17:00.000+01:00

Last weekend saw me back in the recording studio. Taking photos again this time for Point Seven Pistol. This is them below in one of my photoshopped efforts. Now there's a word that should be in the OED. I've been doing a lot of work in the recording studio and there's more to come. Apparently there's some big bands coming up from London soon. I don't know who yet. Probably some unknowns. We've got two gigs coming up on consecutive Saturdays this Sat and the next. So if a certain rock God under the name of Delbert Montage would like to make a guest appearence at one or both gigs...
Talking of word that should be in the dictionary. It reminds me of my crazy children who are apt to make up their own words when one isn't available for their exact requirements. One of those words is "Rindyspink". It's a Mary Poppins type word when something is not just really nice but spotlessly nice. My children for years have taken to adding Lah (pronounced LAR)to every name of people they like. So I have become Daddylah, their mother Mummylah. Gemma is now Gemmalah it's been going on for so many years I forget that her real name is Gemma not Gemmalah. I don't think we're going to get Tonylah or Georgelah Bush.

Four bands Count them 1-2-3-4

2006-10-12T09:36:00.000+01:00

I took this shot last Thursday. I gotta say I'm rather taken with it. It was shot in appallingly low light conditions even for my camera. Of course it's Abi, there's no mistaking that even though you can't see her face. I love the atmosphere of it, even the graininess of the picture, the hand on hips, the lighting and Abi looking out over the crowd. Well it's going to be interesting tonight. Due to a mix up we've got four bands on tonight. I booked a band over a month ago told Andrew then we both forgot. So we booked more bands. Whoopee! It's going to be fun fitting everything in. The music bizz maybe a lot of things but it sure aint boring.

Rock on dudes

montage2

2006-10-10T12:13:00.000+01:00

Bouncing

2006-10-10T09:17:00.000+01:00

I've got to go to London on the 4th November to photograph my "daughters" gig at Finnegins (sp) she's finally got a new contract with Sony BMG and she's planning to release an album in March next year then it's hit the festival circuit time. We're all very excited. Meanwhile here's another montage I threw together from the weekend photoshoot at the Batcave recording studios.
How cool is that to have a trampoline in the back garden of a recording studio? The sky background is one of my stock pictures I took ages ago for some future project,which, at the time I didn't know I'd have, but it appears this is it.
The owner of the recording studio has invited me back next weekend to take some pics of another band point seven pistol I know them and they're pretty cool. Great band if you like your music loud and hard.

Rock on dudes

Montage

2006-10-09T08:16:00.000+01:00

I was asked to do a photoshoot for a band so over the weekend I was in the studio just snapping away while they were recording. This is a little montage I threw together. It's actually four seperate pictures heavily photoshopped.
My call girl neighbour was in her garden yesterday. I can now see in as she was chopping away the bushes with a pair of shears. I watched her with curiosity. Y'know that old joke that girls can't throw a ball. Well CG can't use a pair of shears. There's no precision. It was like she was throwing the shears at the bush in desperation hoping something would get cut. Like letting a five year old loose in the hairdressers with an electric trimmer. I'm sure she's better in bed than in the garden.

Escort

2006-10-06T16:58:00.000+01:00

Our next door neighbour Escort girl has a new customer. He's Mr Lotus Elite owning one very smart black car also known as Mr Lots Of Trouble Usually Serious. Or rather he will be in Lots Of Trouble Unusually Serious if his wife finds out. I used to think it slightly obscene that people could buy a car that costs more than my house. But now with house prices going through the roof that doesn't happen so often. I'll have to change it to "it's obscene when a price of a rail ticket to scotland and back is more than the price of my car". If I can fly to France for one penny albeit with Ryanair, why does it have to cost over £600 for a return ticket to Glasgow? There's something wrong with the system why can't we have Ryanrail. Air travel once the exclusive perogative of the rich and famous is now cheaper than the railway. Why? Trains use less fuel, they can carry more passengers, carry more luggage and stop nearer where you want to be. Yet you still have to be a lottery winner to afford to let the train take the strain. The government want cars off the road, but that's not going to happen while its cheaper to use your car. (and more convenient)

Well that's got my weeks hobby horse soundly thrashed onto one of lifes realities. I played last night at Unity as "The Unity Acoustic All Stars". We did a fuck off version of "Wish you were here". By chrikey we rocked. Haven't has so much fun since the conservatives lost the last election. We made the song last a full ten minutes including our improvised lead guitar breaks and scat singing. We had them jumping onto the stage to sing along into the microphones they were singing dancing and rocking. Brilliant. This is what we want. Oh yes and I did take off my veil before I went on stage.

TV heaven

2006-10-04T09:53:00.000+01:00

For someone who is so vehemently opposed to TV claiming it sucks the life out of your brain, it surprised me when Rory came home with a Skybox the other day. Christ on a bike! The worm has turned. So now instead of 5 channels to choose from we have 700. ALL RUBBISH! Now here's the problem which no doubt you've already experienced. I spent 3 hours flipping through the channels just to see what was there. I can tell you I wasn't impressed. Shopping Channels, american sports channels, religious channels, sexy babes channels, party poker, roulette, home and garden. I found a film channel. The advertising breaks were so long I could go next door get serviced have a cup of tea and still be back in time before the film started again.
Last night the Sky box sat sullenly in the corner, ignored. We played guitar instead. Including our own fifteen minute version of "Wish you were here" which we will perform tomorrow night. We also do a killer version of Angie by the Stones.

The picture? I knew you'd ask. It's Southey Woods at Sunset which is a particularly good time to leave unless you are of a dogging persuasion. Personally I'm not keen on wandering around a carpark with my trousers round my ankles, whilst blue lights flash romantically by your side.

Rock on dudes

My daughter

2006-09-29T08:01:00.000+01:00

So I'm chilling at Unity waiting for things to kick off and batting the breeze with one of the guys. He says to me "That Abi she's really something."
"Yes" I say.
"God she's georgeous."
"I know."
"What I wouldn't give to give her one."
"Really?"
"God yeah. The things I couldn't do with her. I'd take her ....." This is where it gets a little or a lot X rated.
So I sit back in my chair take a long pull on my bottle of Tyske and say calmly "You do realise that's my daughter you're talking about?"
"Whoa! Shit!" He almost went backwards through the wall. Back peddling for all he's worth saying "Well what I really meant was." and "She's a lovely girl I bet you're proud."
Little things amuse me sometimes.

More blagging

2006-09-27T16:23:00.000+01:00

I am greatly indebted to Wagemonkey for pointing out that the old fallacy about ulcers is in fact a fallacy. In fact I've since spoken to various people who all confirm the same thing with anecdotes of having suffered for 15 years eating milk puddings and being real careful only to be cured in less than ten days with a dose of 'botics. I am also indebted to Mick in the UK for pointing out the harm drinking JD and coke can do. And that's nothing to do with the alcohol content.
So I live near the speedway track. Very near. You can hear the commentary over the speakers from our sitting room. I blagged my way in and took a few shots. Got bored and came home. I'm glad I didn't have to pay.

It's a LifeStyle Thing

2006-09-26T11:26:00.000+01:00

You know there aint nothing more miserable, well maybe there is, but this is pretty miserable, than having a stomach ulcer. Yep I got me a stomach ulcer. It's all this high living and sleepless nights. My rock and roll life style. So from now on I'm gonna be a total bore only eating milk puddings and refusing the copious amounts of Jack Daniels that people throw at me. I'm gonna go to bed early with a mug of Horlicks instead of slumping into a coma clutching a half empty bottle of JD in the small hours. Excitement is going to be a thing of the past. The most stressful thing I'm gonna do is walk to the paper shop to get my copy of Seed Collectors weekly. No more raging hot curries. No more Chillies especially those with names like "inferno" or "little volcano". So that's my life from now on. I wonder how long this will last before I go back to my old ways. You can place your bets in the comments below.

Meanwhile this is Wayne from the band "Victim". Top guy. I'm gonna book him and his band for a local pub soon. Monkey hat an all.

Rock on dudes

Weapons of Mass Distraction

2006-09-23T09:25:00.000+01:00

Here on the front line we are amassing our weapons of Mass Distraction. In our peaceful quest to make the world a safer place we are building a formidable arsenal of weapons. It's a musical Jihad. Give those Al Quaida chappies some rock and roll. Stick their heads in the bass bins and get them to scream "Yeah". This is what we want. I've no time for terrorism or religion. I'm not impressed with suicide bombers even if they get to shag 70 virgins when they get to heaven, they aren't heros they're mad.
So your challenge of the day is to see if you can name all these weapons, most are obvious, but there's a tricky one thrown into the mix. In accordance with latest weapons regulations all of these are lead free, environmentally friendly and hand made from sustainable resources. Although they can make your fingers bleed through over use.
Come on Usama if you think you're hard enough choose a weapon.

Rock on dudes

Double standards

2006-09-19T09:19:00.000+01:00

You know what really pisses me off right now. This mularky about the Pope and what he did or didn't say as an insult to Islam. So they're all up in arms and even considering giving him the death sentence. So he's back tracking and apologising and everyone has to be real careful like they're treading on egg shells just in case we might upset the muslims with a joke or something. Meanwhile in a protest rally in London they're holding up placards saying stuff like "Jesus is a slave to Allah". Now how insulting is that to a Christian? Not that I'm a Christian, I'm not I avoid religion like the plague. But it seems to me double standards that we can't insult their religion but they can sure as hell insult Christianity.
These Muslim dudes need to get a shot of humour in their lives.
And while I'm at it what's all this crap about environmentally friendly munitions. Like grenades that explode but don't give off harmful smoke. Or lead free bullets, because lead is harmful. The world has gone mad.
So back to stuff I really like. This is Rachel Myles of the band "Stranger". They're a covers band but absolutely brilliant. This is what we need, more music less war.
Rock on dudes

Motor Bike rally

2006-09-17T12:34:00.000+01:00

So I blagued my way into a 2 day motor bike rally saving myself £25. Saw a few bands and a lot of people having a lot of fun. This girl was almost right next to me. It had to be done. Have camera will shoot. I decided against photographing the guy who stripped off down to his leopard skin g string.
Rock on dudes

Call girl

2006-09-14T09:25:00.000+01:00

It seems that in quiet sleepy middle England, we have a high class call girl living next door to us. She's very stunning in a tall leggy blond haired sort of way. She drives a smart convertible. She never goes to work. Her fence is very high and you can't see into her garden even if you lean out really far with a mirror on the end of a stick.
After a few weeks we've begun to see a pattern. She has three early evening customers. I can't vouch for others during the day as I'm at work. But we have Mr Jaguar, Mr Porsche and Mr Chevrolet 4 wheel drive. They all turn up on different days and stay for a couple of hours then leave, once maybe twice a week.
Rory wanted to knock on her door and ask her "how much?" I suggested that maybe bartering would be better. He could fit her up with a new satellite system and she would fit him up by return.
"So what can you offer her?" he asked me.
"Oh I can give her a packet of bags for her vacuum cleaner."

Martian Sky

2006-09-13T09:38:00.000+01:00

You could be forgiven for thinking this was taken on another planet. An alien sky. I went to get a bottle of JD from a local store. The plastic cover on the neck was scuffed.
"I'm not having that. It's been opened already." I joked.
"No no no. It's good. Brand new unopened."
"So why is the top all scuffed up?"
The shop keeper looks around the shop toward the door and behind him and leans forward conspiratorially, "When they get the JD from Tescos they have to get the tag off. That's what scuffs the tops."
"But they have a magnetic thing to get the security tags off neatly."
"Not if you're stealing it
I couldn't believe he was confessing to selling stolen booze.

Dragonflyby

2006-09-11T12:25:00.000+01:00

Taking a picture of a dragonfly on the wing is a challenge. This is one of my better efforts. This was taken using the long lens 70-300mm at 300mm. The little buggers don't stay still long enough and dart around making getting a bead on them nigh impossible. I guess this was a lucky shot. Well I aint gonna earn a living taking pics of dragonflies, so I accepted a commission to do a photo shoot of some opera singers. Yeah yeah I know, you're all jealous of my rock'n'roll lifestyle. They can be very temperamental these opera singers. Prima Donnas. Well this is what can happen when someone tries to get in on someone elses shot. It's savage.

Eclipse

2006-09-08T08:13:00.000+01:00

I don't know if any of you realised, but last night there was a partial eclipse of the moon so here's a pic in case you missed it.

Everyones a fruit and nut case

2006-09-06T13:00:00.000+01:00

So I was woken this morning by the sound of chink thud thud thud, chink thud thud thud. I blinked looked about my room, listened carefully, there it was again Chink thud thud thud. I got out of bed and looked out the window, the guy in the next house was throwing his house keys onto the back lawn then running to pick them up like some demented Jack Russell throwing it's own stick. I watched for a while, then curiousity got the better,
"Whatcha doin?"
"There's a fucking great spider on a web here and I'm trying to get rid of it. I nearly walked straight into it."
"oh!" I went back to bed figuring that another ten minutes listening to the breakfast show on my radio would see me right. The world is full of nutters best stay in bed as long as possible.

Visitors

2006-09-02T11:27:00.000+01:00

We have visitors. Go on say the word out loud. VISITORS. say it again, then again. It loses it's meaning after a while and becomes a stupid word Vizzy torrrs Vizzy tuhs. So in our 2 bed semi-detached compact and bijou house we have vizzytorrs. There's 7 of us. If the council find out we'll be hounded out of the city for overcrowding. We've only just moved in so we are not equipped for such large numbers. For instance we've only got four knives four forks and four spoons and three coffee mugs, four plates and four plastic picnic plates. We solved the problem last night by having a barbecue, issueing everyone with half a roll of kitchen paper each.
The other thing about visitors is they are on holiday and I'm not. I have to work and they are quite content to sit (on folding camping chairs) and chat until stupid o'clock safe and secure in the knowledge they can lie in until safe o'clock.
In the meanst time muggins here has to get up at some ungodly hour and still make it to work while the Vizzies slumber peacefully. Now don't get me wrong I love our present vizzies, they're great fun especially when their children leave open jam sandwiches upside down on my sofa, or empty our cupboards, tip huge economy packs of rice all over the kitchen floor or decide it's fun to fill all those little holes that make up the speaker of our TV with peanut butter. The parents (our best friends) laugh and say quaint things like "he does that at home too." and "We don't believe in punishment" and "It's his way of expressing himself."
Well my way of expressing myself is to clout the little bleeder round the head with a rolled up newspaper. Are these the same people who many years ago would have decked anyone who even vaguely annoyed them? Now they have children who are infititely more annoying but that doesn't matter because they are now new age parents who give their children room to express themselves and be complete little bastards.
They go home today. Hopefully they'll be gone by the time I get home from work.
That is unless they've been persuaded to stay with the promise that yes we'll watch the England Andorra match on TV.
Oh well the PR company I do work for has just emailed me with a photo job. I've got to take some publicity photos at a pub. Fabulous. I get the best jobs I wonder how long I can stretch the job out for before I have to go home. It could be an all nighter with a taxi home afterwards.

Sandwich short of a picnic

2006-08-31T11:38:00.000+01:00

The Sandwich delivery lady came to the shop. She's very cute in a peroxide blonde fake tan sort of way. She gives me yet another free sandwich.
"Oh my husbands got a new girlfriend." she says like he's just got a new watch.
"Oh really? Is that a good thing."
"I don't mind. It keeps him off my case."
"Does that mean he's leaving you?"
"No such luck, he'll come and go and shag his floozy as and when. It's not a problem."
"You're very tolerant."
"I'm not the jealous type. Go on have a cake as well. A big man like you needs feeding up."
Yikes!!!

Rocking for Chariddy

2006-08-29T17:22:00.000+01:00

These are my mates Dave and Damo from the band Acer. They were at a charity function Sunday night. I phoned Duncan at the Evening Telegraph asking if he wanted some pics to go with the story he was going to write. He didn't even know about it. So much for the big promotions company. They forgot the basics like actually advertising the gig and mentioning it to the newspapers. Three guys and a dog turned up... ..not really but the event was very poorly attended, which is a shame because the bands were shit hot. We had great bands at a great venue, great sound system brilliant lighting, but then the local radio DJ died a thousand deaths because no one gave a shit. Bless him trying to run a charity auction with a crowd of twenty. I bid for a couple of books. I got them for £10. On collecting them they said "Hang on you might as well have this lot as well. They didn't sell in the auction." they handed me a carrier bag. So I got for £10 two books worth £38 both signed by the author, 7 cd's, 2 free tickets for the local cinema and a wallet and a keyring and a couple of landrover biros and a lovely orange carrier bag.

Hot bedding

2006-08-24T14:23:00.000+01:00

In an effort to deter the wagging tongues of small minded England I persuaded the lovely Rachel from London an old friend of mine from University days who is currently between husbands to come and help us out with a bit of positive propoganda. I figured if they saw Rachel coming in and out of our compact and bijou residence they would stop thinking that Rory and I are two old tarts, shirt lifters. Instead they'd be jealous thinking that we're playboys on the pull getting all the hot girls.
OK Rachel is about my age 46, so she's no cat walk model, but she is cute in a middle aged, mum of two grown up children, sort of way. So to celebrate her recent divorce Rachel, Rory and I attacked a bottle of Jack. Well we thrashed that sucker within a millimetre of it's life. Alright we killed it. With the empty bottle still spinning on the coffee table we staggered up to bed.
Wondering what to do now we were alone, Rachel and I decided we'd play "Scrabble" in bed a bit, after a while we changed the game to crazy golf improvising the stick and the balls. Then exhausted after a few rounds we fell into an alcohol induced sleep.
It's great being "gay".

Small Town England

2006-08-24T09:01:00.000+01:00

So I am just leaving my new legit(ish) house and a neighbour spots me and beckons me over, in a sort of "you-boy-come-here school ma'am" way. I toddle over.
"You're one of those new musicians just moved in?"
Well that's better than you're one of those two gays who have just moved in.
"Oh yes!" I say breezily.
"I have a complaint." No shit? It had to happen soon or later amongst the small minded in middle England.
"What's that?"
"Your guitars are interfereing with my TV."
"I can't see how that can be?"
"Your loud electric guitars are making my TV go fuzzy everytime you play."
"That's interesting. We don't have electric guitars, we don't have a single one in the house.They're all acoustic."
"It must be your amplifiers then."
"We play unplugged."
"I can see we're going to have trouble here." the school ma'am fiddled with her car keys and turned toward her car, stopped, and as a final put down, spat almost imperceptively "Don't let it happen again."
She's mad.

Manflu

2006-08-16T17:14:00.000+01:00

Friends I have manflu. Due to adverse publicity of this incredibly debilitating disease our women folk do not take it at all seriously. They laugh at us and call us wimps. They don't understand just how dangerous Manflu can be. I phoned various girlfriends explained I had Manflu and asked if they'd come round to look after me. I tell you guys all I got was abuse. The second word was "Off". So I have no one to mop my fevered brow. No one to tempt me with sweet morsels to keep my strength up. No one to buff my helmet because I don't have the strength to do it myself. I'll not forget this callous disregard for my health. When they all come crawling back when I'm fit and healthy again (or should I say if I'm fit and healthy again). They'll be sorry.

Meanwhile this is a self portrait of me and my good friend Tim who incidently is a musician, a very good musician. Think Al Stewart take away any reference to history and you'll have Tim.

Rock on Dudes

PS Wait until there's a deadly strain of "girl flu" we'll be laughing then. Mwah ha ha ha ha

Pay the bills tour

2006-08-15T16:36:00.000+01:00

So Del was moaning last night that I haven't posted anything recently. Which is true as far as he is concerned but not true as I've been a busy little beaver over here This is a photo I took Sunday night. Bless them they looked so cute all cuddled up and sleepy like babies. I didn't quite know what to make of it so I didn't even try to figure out who was with who. It didn't seem to matter that much.
Anyway talking of babies my sisters little girl has had her baby. I say that like you know all about it. Which you don't. But anyway for all you girls out there here's an information bulletin:

It's a boy.
His name is Cameron James
He was born 12:45pm 14th August 2006
He weighed 9lbs exactly.
He was born really quickly. 1st contraction to birth 1 hour.
Mother very well needed no stitches or anything.
He's already outgrown his newborn clothes at 2 hours old.

Now an information bulletin for you men out there:

It's a baby. Whatever!!!

So I find I have to learn guitar. Hmmmm I've been playing guitar for the last 20 years and in that time played live on stage and earnt money at it. But I've never had a lesson in my life. Until now. I've been entirely self taught so that's not bad. But it seems now I've taught myself a shit load of bad habits and as a result I've hit a brick wall with any potential improvement of my playing. So I've gone back to basics. Playing scales and exercising my pinkies. Rock and roll! Play it 'til your fingers bleed. Rory is teaching me. Properly.

Rock on dudes

Yer Wadda Waddawad

2006-08-09T10:47:00.000+01:00

So I asked Rory if he had any hated tunes.
He told me when he was playing professionally in South Africa he was asked by an Afrikaans if he could play. "yer wadda waddawad"
"What?"
"Yer Wadda Waddawad"
"I don't know that one. How does it go?"
"frum Grease maan! yer wadda waddawad ooooh oooh oooooooh"
He's hated "You're the one that I want" ever since.

Mark Mark Mark Mark Mark! A Jeff Beck solo a great song does not make. It can lift a crap song from aweful to mildly interesting, but it can't make it great, except in the case of the sax solo on Baker Street.

Del: I've got King Crimson "21st Century Schizoid man" on vinyl. Now there's a classic if ever I fell over one.
Oh and maybe you'd approve of Yes "Going for the one" if only for the impossible vocals of Jon Anderson. He must have had a tourniquet on his nadgers to hit those notes.
The Mike Da Hat prize for the best overly long track of all time (which I happen to like)goes to "Sad eyed lady of the lowlands" off Blond on blond by Bob Dylan followed swiftly (actually about 25 minutes later) by "Desolation Row" also by Bob Dylan.
"I just called to say... I'm going to throw up" thank you Cherrypie.

God how we hate lists, Here's another!

2006-08-08T12:22:00.000+01:00

So wage Monkey wants to exchange for 10cc for Creams "Sunshine of your love"? well personally I'd class that as a cool song anyway not an uncool song that it's now cool to listen to. It's always been cool.
I've been considering Meatloafs "Bat Out of Hell" that's so uncool it's cool and gone back to being uncool, unless the very fact it's uncool now makes it yet again cool.
Joan Jett "I love rock and Roll" is a good one.
One for the oldies to consider. "Hi Ho Silver Lining" by the Jeff Beck Group. I remember stomping along to to that at the memorial hall discos when I was a long haired, incredibly thin and gawky teenager. It was corny then (but fun) and it's corny now. I can't imagine anyone saying it's now cool to listen to it.
While we're on lists and I know you hate them. Here's a few of my most hated songs ever. You hate lists so you'll hate these I hate. It'd be fun to know your most hated.
"Seasons in the sun " Terry Jacks
"Honey" by various people but Dean Martin did a version.
"Grandad" by that guy from Dads Army Clive and some primary school kids.
"Lady in Red" of course (Chris De Bugger)
"The Laughing Gnome" David Bowie (he should have been ashamed of himself)
"The Smurfs"
Now I think about it there must be hundreds I hate, but these few are ones I have just thought of right now.

I'm in my new Semi detached suburban house with all the normal people for neighbours. Funny thing is I can't sleep. It's too quiet. I lay awake listening to the silence and fretting about not being able to hear all those comforting sounds that I'm used to. Like Police Sirens and Fights and Drunks and Custom cars speeding up and down the road, and people rattling on shutters, and smashing of bottles and girls sobbing their little hearts out after too many vodka wickeds at the local nightclub. Foreigners shouting in slovakian or some other eastern european language.
I'll get used to the silence very soon when I'm so tired I have to sleep.

Broadband for free

2006-08-07T09:28:00.000+01:00

I've finally moved out of my squat, into my new house. It's very nice. But that's not really interesting. What is interesting is Rory my new house mate wanted to check his Email. We don't even have a phone line yet. "No problem" says he and proceeds to hit a few keys and a box came up "scanning".
"Here we go, I've got a live one."
"Got what?"
"Someone near here with a wireless connection."
"And?"
"I'll piggy back their wireless connection and get my email."
"You can do that?"
"Of course."
"Will they know."
"No but their computer might start running a bit slow."
So Rory checked his Emails and I got to thinking. Is this a bit of fun or is it something darker? Is it ethical to piggy back someone elses wireless connection?
I know it's nothing new. I've read of people driving around looking for a wireless signal to get connected when they are away from home. But I've never seen it done.
So while it was a lot of fun. It did leave me wondering if it was right. But then for someone who just spent the last six and a half years living scot free in a squat I can't talk.

Rock on dudes

Cool to be uncool

2006-08-03T13:28:00.000+01:00

So you're all hip cats. (as they used to say in the fifties) You know your music and you're proud of your choices. But come on, can you admit to loving some of those cheesy uncool songs? Well you can now, without losing face or cool points because Q magazine has just published it's top ten uncool songs that it's cool to love.

1. ELO - Livin' Thing
2. Boston - More Than A Feeling
3. S Club 7 - Don't Stop Movin'
4. 10cc - I'm Not In Love
5. Gary Glitter - Rock'n'Roll Part 2
6. Foreigner - Cold As Ice
7. Billy Idol - Rebel Yell
8. Status Quo - Whatever You Want
9. Gerry Rafferty - Baker Street
10. Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive

All I can say is Thank God Chris De Burghs "Lady in Red" isn't on the list

Back on the road

2006-07-31T23:54:00.000+01:00

Especially for Mark we're back on Geeetars. Sunday saw my first return to the stage for yonks. Two gigs in one day. This photo is from the first gig. Obviously being Mike Da Hat I'm the one on the left in the hat. My good friend Delbert Montage is on the right, on acoustic bass, and Rory, my new house mate, is front and centre.Christ on a bike we were good. Amazingly since we only had a couple of rehearsals to learn our set. IN fact we were so good the landlord of the pub asked us to play once a month at his pub. So that's the start of our "Pay the bills tour".
It's funny I'm not really interested in playing several times a week like we used to. But once in a while to pay the bills seems a lot of fun. I guess we're lucky to be able to do that. We don't have any allusions that we're going to be rich and famous playing guitar. But if they want to pay us for doing stuff that we love to do. What the hell! I know I'm going to be making a load more money than the people I photograph, the original bands, because we don't mind playing the covers. Give them what they want. Play the songs, take the money, and run. I have no problem with that. I am old enough not to worry about selling out. To me it's financial. I need the money. So I'm gonna play all sorts of crap and get paid for it. I've outgrown my teeenage angst and idealism.

Tonight I laughed more than I have done in years. I was visiting my children. The phone rang it was a telesales person. Vermin. Now recently I've taken to screaming abuse down the phone. But my children have taken a different tack on this. Gemma answered the phone. She stood there for five minutes saying "Hello I can't hear you." then my ex-wife took over asking "Why have you phoned me? Have you an vendetta against us or what? Should I call the police for harrassment?" But the piece de resistance was my boy Jamie, who took the initiative.
"Hello can you give me your mothers maiden name?... Mary? That's not exactly a maiden name but I'll accept that you don't speak English very well. Can you give me the town you were born in?... Basingstoke? Is that anywhere near Bombay?... No? OK just a few more questions and we can sign you up to our plan. How much do you spend on your mobile phone each month?... £30?...Well for a mear £25 you can subscribe to our abuse service where we guarantee you 50 minutes of uncensored abuse every month. With a guaranteed fifty swear words every minute. Not only that we promise to send you abusive texts 20 times a month. Does this interest you?..."
He hung up.

So we have decided that we need to write a script. So people can download it and be prepared for these intrusive calls. The thing is they are talking to a script, but if our script is better we can destroy them. If enough of us do it we can rid ourselves of telesales people.

So what we need you to do is to come up with some ideas where we can take the advantage and keep them on their back foot. Don't let them get the upper hand. We attack. A recent stagety of my son Jamies was to claim he had a Russian mobile phone that was paid for by the state. OK it weighed mored than a bag of sugar, but he had infinite free calls and infinite free texts all courtesy of the Soviet Republic, for a dismal £20 a month.

We need to regroup. We need to fight back. We need to give them as hard a time as possible so we can regain our privacy. Join the fight. If you've any tactics that you find effective share them with us. I'm pissed off with people with an Indian accent trying to tell me their name is Jeffrey, from Reading. Or Mingeater who claims she is Rachel from Stoke on Trent.

I'm fed up with people phoning me four times a week trying to sell me something I don't want. In fact it's a self defeating tactic because I wont deal with anyone who intrudes on my life to this extent.

The roof is leaking on my Squat. I'm out of here very soon. This week with luck.

Wheely Bin

2006-07-29T09:09:00.000+01:00

I saw this on my travels and my first thought was "this is odd, why padlock a bin, what's so valuable in a bin that it needs closing with a padlock and chain it's all rubbish." So I investigated. The valuable thing inside this wheely bin is empty space. Really. The owners of this bin pay the council good money to have their bin emptied as it's technically trade waste. Then they find everybody and his dog filling up their bin with household rubbish so there's no room left for theirs.
Meanwhile I find a friend of mine has just got her own spot on the Radio as a household chores Agony Aunt. That's cool. And the next caller please...

The Neumes

2006-07-28T02:26:00.000+01:00

I've got to thank Cherry Pie for putting me on to these girls, Eleanor, Emily and Charlotte. They played our club tonight. The Neumes. I was hoping to meet the lovely Cherry Pie coz she promised to turn up. But didn't I guess she had a good excuse.
and here they are in action. Cute or what?
I've got to tell you lovely people that these guys are amazing. You can't pigeon hole them they aint jazz, they aint folk, they aint rock. They are everything and more. Such a lot of potential. We already have a team of people fighting to get them back to Peterborough and this time we're going to pay them. We already want them to play next years Muddy Festival.

So thank you Cherry. If anyone else knows of any band that needs exposure on our stage put them my way.
meanwhile

Rock on dudes

Tight

2006-07-27T00:58:00.000+01:00

I'm in trouble. My other blogspot Unityrocks is giving me grief. Everytime I post a new picture using Picassa the previous pictures after 21st July disappear. Not only that it's happening on this blog as well and my secret blog too. Actually my secret blog is not really a secret it's just where I dump photos so I can provide a link to them for my main blogs.
I'm wondering if it's something to do with the new version of Picassa that I am BETA testing.
There has to be a lesson there. Don't agree to beta test anything.

This week we've been rehearsing like mad for my first proper gig in two years. We're only doing half an hour at a charity event. I've played live since then but it's only been the equivalent of an open mic session. Tuesday night we slogged at it for four hours straight. Tonight we went for three hours and we've just about nailed it. There's a few rough edges still but we've got Saturday night to polish it off. Then we'll be tighter than a camels arse in a sandstorm.

I'm not concerned about moving from my squat to somewhere new. It's just that I am aware that it's going to take some getting used to. I've got to rearrange my life and I'm not sure how things are going to work. Within a few weeks I'll get into the new equilibrium with Rory, my new housemate. he's a great music teacher. He's strict but thats because he is so focussed. He told me tonight he wanted me to enjoy myself on stage. This is a far cry from when I first started playing live over 20 years ago when I was told if I fucked up I was dead. I ended up with such severe stage fright I was throwing up and never played live again for 16 years. My best friend Del taught me that it's OK to make mistakes. Just not too many. No one cares. It's your attitude on stage that's most important. If you are enjoying playing the audience will enjoy listening.

Creating a Saint

2006-07-26T11:29:00.000+01:00

So I've decided to make amends for my dastardly portrayal of a nice person. So I've gone the opposite direction. He's got angel wings a halo an everyfing.

Oh Yeah Good old Bob Geldof had to cancel a couple of gigs in Italy this week because only 45 people turned up to a 12,000 capacity gig of his. We get more people than that at our Thursday night rockathons.
Just watch me weep for him. NOT!

Creating Evil

2006-07-24T09:20:00.000+01:00

This is James Chadwick. He's a musician. He is an incredibly good musician. He makes it look so easy while everyone else struggles. He is also very very nice. I mean not just nice but Mary Poppins nice. You wont find any dirt on him. He is everything that you could describe as clean pure and wholesome. Which is why I decided a while back to destroy him. Well not destroy in a nasty way but to big up his image as someone who isn't a goody two shoes.Make him a little dangerous. He is, after several months of smear campaigning, now referred to as "The Evil One!" He thinks this is hilarious and goes along with the joke. Even posing for this picture that I have since doctored in photoshop.

I think over the next month or so he'll have to grow horns. Anyone got an image of devils horns I can cut and paste?

Rock on dudes

My Top 25 Favourite Films

2006-07-21T16:27:00.000+01:00

I'm bored. It's too hot to do any constructive work that involves physical activity so to while away the hours I've come up with my favourite top 25 films of all time. They are not in any particular order of preference and are only numbered so I'd know when I'd got to 25. Ask me the same question tomorrow the list might not be the same but it would be very similar.

1. Apocalypse Now (based on the novella "Heart of darkness" by Joseph Conrad)
2. Pulp Fiction (I used to hate John Travolta until I saw him in this Brill)
3. Casablanca
4. The Maltese Falcon
5. Lord of the Rings (does that count as one or three?)
6. Bladerunner (Love this film)
7. The big sleep (great film even if you don't understand the plot)
8. The Africa Queen (notice I've got loads with Humphrey bogart in)
9. To Kill a Mocking bird (Gregory Peck at his best)
10.2001 A space Odyssey (drop some acid and go for the ride)
11.Jaws (Is it safe to go back into the water yet?)
12.North by Northwest (Great thriller)
13.Starwars (The 1st one from 1977)
14.The Third Man (Another great thriller)
15.Raiders of the Lost Ark (The first and best)
16.Bad day at Black Rock (Spencer Tracy in small town america)
17.L.A. Confidential (Taut intelligent thriller)
18.The Terminator (Arnie at his best)
19.12 Angry Men (Henry Fonda turning the tables in court)
20.One flew over the cuckoos nest (Jack Nicholson of course)
21.Monty Pythons Life Of Brian (Funniest film ever)
22.IN the Heat of the night (Oh yes "They call me Mr Tibbs", Sydney Poitier)
23.Alien (Ripley kicks alien butt)
24.Close Encounters (Richard Dreyfuss chases aliens)
25.Chinatown (Jack Nicholson again)

I wonder if you agree with my choices. As I say I'm not saying these are the worlds greatest films but the ones I've enjoyed watching most of all and are important to me.
Make up your own list and drop me a comment I'll come and look at your top 25. Maybe we all will.

Breaking my G string

2006-07-21T09:09:00.000+01:00

Cop a load of some Purple Loose strife. Some of these wild flowers have such great names. Anyway Rory and I were practicing for our next gig, we were really into our tribute number "Shine on you crazy Diamond" which is a great song anyway even if it was sadly appropriate right now. Rory breaks his G string. He then borrows my Ovation so he can just nail a lead section. He breaks my G string as well so it's rehearsal over.
Yesterday I was chatting with a taxi driver, he gets a call to go to Tescos.
I say I need to go that way you can drop me off. So I get a free ride to the music shop. Where I ask for 3 G strings for Rory based on 13s. He likes his string heavy.
Then I ask for a set for my Ovation 11s.
"You don't want to be using 11s, you want 13s."
"No I want 11s."
"You'll lose the tonal quality."
"When I acquire the hearing of a bat I might notice the difference, until then 11s will do me nicely."
Bloody people!
Anyway got a publicity photoshoot for a band tonight. Lots of industrial backdrop. Which is what the band want. I think it's a case of the same old same old nothing new. They are going to end up with the generic lads band photo with them looking mean and moody in some desolate derelict industrial setting. I wonder if I can persuade them to do something new? Ideas?

Rock on dudes

Taking the rap

2006-07-19T09:20:00.000+01:00

"Look there's only so many people in Peterborough. I'll fix your speeding fine get someone to take the points but honestly we're running out of people. So drive carefully from now on."
This is part of a conversation I overheard at the pub yesterday. I wonder how many people do this I'd guess loads. There's money to be made for some people who are prepared to take the rap for someone else. OK it's going to cost this guy big style along with the fine. But what price for your licence? How much is it worth to someone to be able to keep their licence and keep on driving?
Earlier on in the conversation that I was ear wigging, "...even if they take away my licence I wont stop driving. I can't afford to. It's my livelihood. I'm fucked if I can't drive."
"You're fucked if you do. What happens if you have an accident, your insurance will be worthless."

So we've found a house and it looks like my days of squatting are nearly over. I'll become a normal person living in a normal house, in a normal cul de sac. The interesting thing is I could have rented a squalid flat on the top floor of some derelict property due for demolition by myself for £300 a month. But I've got a whole house in a nice area for £490. That's split between two of us my musician friend Rory and me. On top of that we've been asked to rent out our garage to someone for £100 a month. So now it's only £195 each a month. Result.

Sometimes things go right

2006-07-14T00:38:00.000+01:00

I was teaching my son photography the other week. With a little guidance he came up with this. Sunset over a lake. I think it's great, (for a beginner) but your comments might encourage his lack of confidence.

I got a phone call from a PR company. They want me to take photos of a blind couple who have developed special software that can read a type written page and then speak the words.
"Can you try and get their guide dog into the photo?"
I was about to burst into laughter then realised that the guide dog would make it obvious they were blind. So it wasn't so stupid.
So I'm being paid good money for a ten minute photo shoot that is certainly going to fund a weekend of excess and debauchery.

Rock on dudes

We won!

2006-07-13T09:48:00.000+01:00

Apparently we won the crib match. I hadn't a clue what was going on. Many pints of what I thought was gnats piss lager turned out to be premium strength lager. It's all a blurr from then on. But we won and I got myself home.
I remember Delbert saying "We won!"
"Have we? How did that happen? When did it happen?"
Well that's not too shabby being as I've never played the gamre before in my life except for the previous nights intensive tuition.

I am far from bright eyed and bushy tailed this morning. So I'll just toddle off to find some paracetamol.

Hasta luego

Crib

2006-07-12T09:15:00.000+01:00

This is Sadie at the Grass Roots music festival, cool huh? My good friend Delbert Montage has conscripted me to play crib in his team. I haven't a clue. So in advance of my debut as member of the pub crib team, I was put on a crash course of instruction last night. So the pub was shut up, lights turned off and and another pint thrust into my hand. It didn't help I'd already had a skinful of the falling down water. 15-2 15-4 15-6 My mind was a whirl of numbers. No doubt there'll be someone out there who's an expert in the game and wont be able to understand what my problem is. But on the bright side it's a free lunch so I wont have to cook tonight. Whoopeee!
If you're reading this Del I went straight to bed had a good nights sleep so I'm bright eyed and bushy tailed and ready to rock. Bring it on.