Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Phones 4 U

So I'm at a pub tonight, playing "Lady Eleanor", that old Lindisfarne number, and in the corner is a guy playing the fruit machine. Suddenly he's screaming at the machine "Give me back my money" and kicking the shit out of the machine. The barman disappears into the other bar to polish tables. I carry on playing but by now my audience is more interested in what this twat is doing. He pushes the machine against the wall with a sickening crunch. It rocks then he decides he's going to pull it over onto the floor. It's almost at the point of no return when it settles back into position blinking it's little lights at him. So he kicks it some more. He doesn't get his money back.

IN this pub the toilets have been vandalised so much the key to the cubicles is behind the bar. So if you need a sit down job you've got to ask at the bar for the key. I over heard some guy saying "The turtles head is almost touching cloth but I'm buggered if I'm going to ask for the key." and later he walks out John Wayne fashion.

I got a new mobile phone today it's a Sony Erickson. What do I know? So without even checking the instruction manual I changed over my sim card and put in the battery and the memory stick and the phone rang. SHIT! What do I do? How do I answer the phone? What buttons do I press? I pressed a few random buttons that looked promising.
"You took your time answering"
"Er.... I've a new phone."
"What you got?"
"A Sony Erickson."
"Yeah which model?"
"How the fuck do I know."
So then I started imagining all the guys standing round in a circle around my new phone with the bonnet up asking questions like "How many megapixels does the camera have?" and "What's it's top speed?" and "Does it have blue tooth capability?" and "What's the torque in third?" and "Yeah this baby does such and such I've read the write up in 'what phone magazine'."
It's pissing phone for Chrissakes. It's not the Starship Enterprise, although I sometimes wonder.
The mobile company phoned me up asking me what phone I wanted. "It's free!" they tell me. "You can download all sorts of things, you can do this you can do that, it's a radio, it's an mp3 player it's...."
"Can I phone my friends?"
"Yes but you can also....."
"Can I send texts?"
"Yes but it can also do......."
"Send me one."
So now I am the proud owner of a new mobile phone with an instruction book that runs to 80 pages. It does stuff I can't imagine and I wont ever use. It's a nightmare. Can I have my old Nokia 3310 back? I could understand that. I might end up having to put the sim card back into my old phone temporarily while I learn to use this new one. Just to keep my life on track.

Technology hey?


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