Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Zen And The Art of CCTV

The vote seemed overwhelmingly in favour of CCTV. I'm not sure what Watski voted for. It was an eventful night at the pub last night. I contemplated postponing the Tuesday story to tell you all about it. But I guess a decsription of a quiet night playing pool with my boy can wait until tomorrow. The ambulances have gone and I guess the old man is probably dead already so telling you the story now or tomorrow wont change anything. The lady who ended up unconscious on the floor will probably not remember anything either. So yes that's something for tomorrow. Meanwhile you voted for CCTV so I guess you'd better get on and read all about our marvellous in store closed circuit television system and the dangers it can bring.

Zen And The Art of CCTV

In our shop we have this lovely CCTV system designed and built by my brother who also works for me as my workshop manager. We can be in the workshop and watch what’s going on in the shop, or we can be in the shop and monitor our car park. It was all built at a cost of less than five pounds using TV’s rescued from dumpsters and scrap VCR’s. The wiring of this monster system was incredible with changeover switches here and there and a bank of old VCR’s. I’m not sure even bro knew exactly what everything did. Anyway bro also had a impressive library of porn videos. He was very protective of these and kept them hidden, although he did have regular visits from various friends who turned up and VHS cassettes changed hands rather furtively. Him and his friends would check over the merchandise on one of his many VCRs. One week bro was on holiday and my microwave engineer, Gazza, and I were a little bored. The subject of bro’s video collection came up and Gazza suggested we scour the workshop and find them, as they certainly wouldn’t be stored at his home. So we pulled out boxes and looked behind cupboards, climbed on work benches to look on the top shelves and finally at the back of a top shelf in an anonymous carboard box we found the tapes with titles such as “Red hot Scandinavians” and “Big hot and ready”. We selected a handful and one by one pushed them into a VCR in his workshop. The first depicted an enormous man pleasuring himself with a petite Philipino type girl who at the same time was pleasuring someone else. I don’t want to go into too much detail, but you know what I mean. Tape after tape showing much the same rumpy pumpy using every available orifice and position. Rapidly I got bored and decided to go back into the shop.
The shop was full. Everyones eyes was on the shops CCTV monitor. I looked and there was our carpark as normal. A woman in Hermes scarf at the counter turned to me and said “There’s hard core pornography on your CCTV monitor”
“What? NO it’s our carpark.” I said.
Then a man at the counter said “No really every so often hard core porn comes up on the screen.”
I tried to make light of it by ignoring their comments and said “OK who’s next?”
Suddenly a girl screamed “There it is again!”
I turned and looked in horror as in full view of all our customers, the car park had been replaced by Ben Dover giving it large with a big busty blond.
My assistant manager only 19 at the time and a sweet innocent young girl started flapping around “oh Oh Oh!” My mother who was in the shop as well was paralyzed with shock.
“How could that happen?” said the lady from the Hermes scarf set indignantly.
I blustered “It must be satellite interference.” Knowing full well it was the lamest excuse in the world. I quickly pushed the off button on the monitor and ran to the workshop. “Gazza turn off the bleedin tapes.”
“What? Why?”
“Because the films are being shown in the shop as well as in here.”
“Oh my God! Did anyone see?”
“Anyone? EVERYONE. There was a shop full.”
I walked across the car park back to the shop. The Hermes scarf lady was just coming out of the front of the shop. She stopped looked at me and gave me a knowing smile. Help! Back in the shop the customers had all gone and Mother turned to me, “I don’t think we’d better mention this to your father.”
“Er no best not eh?” I replied.
Then she said “It wouldn’t have been so bad but Mrs Biggerdyke-Smythe was just in and her husband is worshipful master of the local freemasons, she’s a member of my ladies club.”
“What Mrs Hermes scarf?”
“Yes that’s her.”
“I don’t think she’ll say anything. She seems quite broadminded to me.”

iPod now playing - Video killed the radio star by The Buggles


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