Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Zen and the Art of Spying

Well it was a 50% vote in favour of spying. Johnny Grays a close second (Next time Del perhaps). In these troubled times it's nice to know the security of our nation is in safe hands. So here is the Tuesday story.

Zen and The Art of Spying


I was working for the Ministry of Agriculture Fisheries and Food, my job partly involved driving around airfields and studying bird behaviour. One day I was bored and I was just tootling around the country side in my landrover when I came across an RAF Airbase.
"I've never been here before." I thought, "Maybe I'll have a looksee, see if they have the same birds as all the other poxy airfields I have to visit."
So I drove up to the guard room and announced my presence. I didn't ask permission, I told them I'd come to "Look around" as part of my job with the Ministry of Ag. They sent an officer to meet me, and got invited to have a cup of tea with the station commander. We chatted about what I was doing "Watching birds and studying their behaiviour on airfields" then he assigned a Sergeant to drive me about, while I took photographs and had a great time. They even gave me a radio to play with. So I could chat with the guys in the air traffic control tower. At the end I thanked them for their hospitality and buggered off.
Back at the office I mentioned to my bosses where I'd been that day. The look on their faces gave it all away."YOU DID WHAT?"
"Went to the airbase?"
"HOW IN FUCKS NAME DID YOU GET IN THERE?"
"I just drove in."
"Don't you know there's a war on?(Gulf war) That's a top secret establishment."
"Yes and your point being?"
"You can't just walk into a top secret airbase."
"I did. I took photo's as well."
"Oh my God! We're in trouble now. Do you realise how many regulations you've broken? We'll have to call the Ministry in London see if we smooth this over.. You can't just walk into this place without permission."
"I had permission."
"From who pray?"
"The commanding officer, he invited me in for tea and biscuits. He was very interested in my work. We had a chat an everything. Nice guy too. Very knowledgeable."
"So when did you apply for permission, what channels did you use. I never authorised, or saw any documentation on it."
Boss one looked at boss two."Nor me." he said.
"I sort of knocked on the front door, I guess you could call it cold calling. "
"I don't believe it. You cold called a top secret base? And they let you in?"
"Yes."
"Lets hope the papers don't get wind of this one, We'll all be hanging by our toes by the weekend."
"Shall I write up my report then?" I ask innocently.
"GET OUT!"I almost skipped out of the office. Hey Ho! Another triumph. Another moments exasperation for my bosses neither of whom really wanted to be my boss for fear of the next thing I might do that they would have to either c0ver up or just bury their heads in their hands. I suppose that's why I've almost always been my own boss since then. My superiors, bless em couldn't cope with me. They had a leaving party, when I left the Ministry to move on to better things. I wasn't invited.

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