Saturday, August 21, 2004

How I didn't become a policeman.

I haven't been to many job interviews. I've never had to, what happened to me was, I would apply for a job, they'd phone me up and say "when can you start?" and that was it. So when I decided as a young adult to join the police force as a guardian of the law, a protector of the innocent, I was ill equipped for what followed.
One morning I wandered in Police HQ in Guildford for my interview. I was ushered into a room full of other young hopefulls, all tearing at the leash wantingto be let loose on the bad guys of this world. There was a sergeant who was looking after us. Give words of gentle encouragement. He turns, looks me up and down and says "You boy! You aren't wearing a tie."
This was true. I was a poor student, who had left home and travelled light. "No Sir, I don't own a tie."
"This will not do. This will not do at all. We can't have you meeting the chief Superintendant without a tie."
Just then this little lad pipes up"Sir? Sir? Please Sir?" you'd think he was still in the bleedin' class room.
"Yes boy!"
"I know where there's a tie. I can get it for him."
"Well done. Good initiative there. This is what we're looking for. Go fetch it."
So the little creep runs off and comes back five minutes later with a tie. Navy blue with red and white stripes and little lions on it. I thank him and put it on.
A while later I am called in to see the Chief Superintendant. He bids me relax and take a seat. While he sits back in his chair all easy like. "So Mr....... er" he checks his notes " Mr Da Hat. Why do you want to be a policeman? What is it about being a policeman that attracted you in the first place."
That was an easy one I'd been primed for this one so I went into a little speach about the police being a solid career. Halfway through Chiefy sat bolt upright and stared at me. I wriggled in my chair uncomfortably, what had I done? What did I say? He stared some more, then "Jumping the gun a bit aren't we sonny?"
"Sorry?"
"That tie you are wearing."
"Yes I borrowed it."
"Well that tie is reserved exclusively for the upper echelons of the Surrey Constabulary."
"I didn't know?"
"Well a little research would have been helpful, are you normally prone to jumping in to things with your eyes closed?"
"No." The interview then went from bad to worse. All was lost. He didn't even shake my hand at the end of the interview he just dismissed me with a wave of his hand.
I left the interview and went back to return the tie, rather firmly round the little creeps neck. Luckily for creep the sergeant was there to hold me back and the creep cowered behind him. while I let loose a tirade of abuse.
I walked out of police HQ and felt a lightening of my step as I realised I wasn't really going to be a policeman, then I remembered the specimen bottle in my bag. I wouldn't be needing that anymore. So half a pint of my finest urine sailed over the wall. And that dear friends is how I escaped wearing a uniform. But can you really imagine me as PC Mike Da Hat? I don't think so.

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