Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Zen and the drug addict.

Tonight is pool night. M came to the pub very late to tell me that her stalker was sorted. He's been kicked into touch. So hopefully that's the last we will hear from him. I don't want to brag but normally I am unbeatable at pool. It's a sign of a mispent middle age. But tonight we were determined to let Leslie win. Just once in four years. So we were playing, Brian and I, the most outrageous shots ever. But you know, try as we could to lose, the balls kept going down. Leslie was so pissed off, that she poured beer over Brians head. Brian was not amused. Then we told Leslie that Trudy the barmaid had turned off the pool table. She's so stupid she actually believed us. Gosh how we laughed. Gosh how Leslie poured beer over Brians head. Then Brian had to go home to his wife to explain why he is covered in beer.

Anyone want a genuine Fender electric acoustic guitar? I have acquired one, it's kosher, honest. Lovely bass tones but I'm still holding out for a new ovation celebrity. Shit! There's another fight outside. It's a cat fight this time. Think I'll stand by my door and watch............. OK it's monday night and a bit early in the week for this sort of thing. But there's two girls scrapping over something trivial. Pulling hair and clawing. Why don't girls ever swing a good punch? It would be over so quick. One good punch and one of them is out of it. But girls don't do that sort of thing. It's more of a wrestling match. Sorry the italics slipped in there. Anyway they scrapped a while and now they're hugging and kissing each other. What's all that about?
Where was I? Oh yeah I have this genuine Fender guitar. It's yours for £150. Be quick because I will be applying for prosthetic hands soon. BTW it's listed at $649 or in real money that's about £350. I'm selling it on behalf of a drug addict who needs the money. Only recently stolen. Not even reported yet. You can't get better provenance than that. I can guarantee it was not previously owned by David Bowie. It could have been yet another of Pete Townsends guitars but then I would be telling porkies. So get it while it's hot. I'll even put new strings on it for you. Lenny will bring it round and ask you personally for the money. Don't mess with him. He doesn't have a sense of humour. Don't ask for discount or Lenny will get upset. You don't want Lenny upset on your doorstep. It's not a pretty sight. Just hand over the money and say "thank you", in fact don't even make eye contact with him. If he starts twitching, or his head starts to move and his eyes roll I suggest you slam the door shut quickly, put on the security bolt and call the police. Don't mention my name. You don';t know me, you've never met me. Lenny can look after himself. Shit two fights in one night. This is a record........
sorry false alarm it's two mates beating the shit out of each other, having fun. They love each other really. Probably latent homosexuals. Trying to maintain their machismo, whilst secretly, desperate to get into each others pants. Obviously not enough beer for that to happen, but just enough for a little fight. It's all over and done with now. Not much else to report on that one. NO wonder I never go to bed before one in the morning.

What's the time? Half past one. Oh well I guess it's safe to go to bed now. Living here may be a lot of things but it sure aint boring.

Rock on dudes.


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