Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Stabbings and cynicism

I'd just finished writing the last piece and I heard a scuffle at my back door. I looked outside and there were four teenagers in my car park. One of them had his T-shirt lifted up and he was screaming "Am I cut? Am I cut?"
His mate said "it's just a graze he only nicked you."
"I've been fucking knifed."
"No he missed. There's hardly anything to see."
I just stood in my doorway calmly watching them.
The merest trickle of blood came from the stomach of this stocky young lad who was swaying, obviously drunk. They had two girls with them. Both very young painfully thin and wearing tight jeans and crop tops.
"Come on Darren." said one girl "it's not worth it."
"I'll fucking have 'em."
"No you won't." said the voice of reason in the form of the tiny girl, "you aint doing anything."
She looked at me and said "Sorry mate."
I nodded an acknowledgement at her and she led the boys away.

Earlier today I witnessed outside my shop a women beating her boy. She was screaming at him "I've fucking told you time and fucking time again not to fucking swear." Each "fucking" coinciding with a cuff round the head.Now that's a novel way of teaching kids respect.

I had a letter of complaint today. This old guy came in and asked for a foil for his shaver. I sold him it. Two days later I get this letter from his son saying that his father really wanted a foil and cutter and if we were any sort of business and gave any sort of service we'd have known. So in view of the fact that his father is a pensioner and penniless could I send the correct part free of charge being as I should have known that what he asked for wasn't exactly what he wanted. I wrote him a letter saying "Full marks for a good try but I can't give away free spares to rectify someone elses mistake." I await the fury that ensues.
Which reminds me that it's getting close to recruitment time at our local college. I might sign on for a course in telepathy. I've done the course which teaches me to suck air between my teeth and slowly shake my head whilst saying "it's not the labour dear, It's the spare parts." and the advanced module that teaches you to say with credibility "of course your Dyson is worth fixing" whilst holding back the howls of laughter.
There is a saying in the trade that Dysons suck. Now you can take that in any way you like and it will be true. There's a sticker on the handle of everyone that says "no loss of suction" the adverts say "100% suction 100% of the time". Now I amazes me that no one has gone to the trading standards about this. Because 90% of the Dysons we get in for repair come in because they don't suck anymore. They have lost their suction. So what's that sticker all about on the handle. "No loss of suction"? Someone somewhere is telling porkies. The world should know. OK I'm not Michael Moore producing an epic like Faranheit 9/11. But the world should know this. Dysons are not what they claim. They tell you you don't have to buy bags so you save money. What they don't tell you is the filters can cost you £20 each and there's two of them. Put them in your shopping trolley in Sainsburys and see your weekly shopping bill go through the roof. £5 for a pack of bags seems more economical to me. And while I'm on my own personal hobby horse. The BBC who never advertise has done a remarkable job for James Dyson with documentaries and plugs. Then James himself who whilst proclaiming that the Dyson is a true british product, only moves production to Korea. Making all his British workers redundant. Well he's a true brit. When does he get a knighthood for that little move? Sorry I'm getting cynical and I still haven't mentioned my guitar or music. Time for bed I guess.

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