Tuesday, August 24, 2004

I want shagging on a public footpath

So I'm talking to Petal about my next story and I'm, asking her "what do you think pet? Should I write the story about setting fire to my trousers, or shagging on a public footpath."
To which she loudly replied "I WANT SHAGGING ON PUBLIC FOOTPATH." and then realised what she had just said. Almost had to call the fire service she was so hot under the collar. Now I hope naming and shaming doesn't put Petal off from commenting. So for her sake and to show she's not alone I'd like all you girls to write in the comments box below "I want shagging on a public footpath" or indeed any place of your choosing. The boys can write "I want a shag on a public footpath". Alternatively if you don't want shagging tell me to set fire to my trousers again.

I'm disgusted with my roofing man. He's the one scared of heights. It's pissing down with rain and my bathroom ceiling is still leaking. Big brother slings a long ladder up to the roof and lashes it up with some vacuum cleaner flex. Does this ring a bell with any of you? Then he says "You go first." So no change there then in forty years. I find a hole in the flashing. How come Mr Roofing Contractor never spotted that? Big bro comes up the ladder to pass me the flashing equivalent of a bicycle puncture repair. Slop on the glue and slap on the patch. Meanwhile a squall blows up and it starts thundering and lightening.
I'm shouting to big bro that "perhaps up on the roof isn't the cleverest of places to be in a thunderstorm."
His last words were before he high tailed it back to the safety of his workshop were "you'll be alright." leaving me on the roof and lightening all around.

I've noticed just recently a change in the language of our foreign friends, they used to say "innit" a lot now they say "is it." and it's always in the most inappropriate points in the c0nversation.
"I need a model number to get you a motor."
"is it?"
"No we don't sell Audi car spares."
"Is it?"
What's going on? And while I'm on my own personal hobby horse, whilst David Jason can get away with saying "Lubbly Jubbly!" all the time. Customers coming in and rubbing their hands saying it doesn't have the same panache. We had a sales rep who used to say "Am I going to scratch my pad this week?" which really pissed me off. I'm gonna stop right now before hypertension causes my kidneys to fail.

So have pity on poor Petal show her she's not alone because she wants SHAGGING ON A PUBLIC FOOTPATH?
You know you want it as well.

Rock on dudes and keep the faith


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