Thursday, September 16, 2004

Princess Margaret and Gregory

Here's a rather strange conversation that went on in the pub the other day. Do you recall Princess Margaret (God rest her soul) burnt her feet in bath water which was too hot? Now the crucial thing about this is the word "feet" not foot but feet. Now correct me if I'm wrong but Feet is plural ie more than one, so that's both feet. Can you see where this is going? Who the hell burns both feet in a bath? Surely you get into a bath one foot at a time. And then you always test the water with your toes or swill it around with your hands first. So the only way to burn both feet is to jump in. let's take it further. Princess Margaret (God rest her soul) was in her sixties. Is she going to jump anywhere? Can you imagine anyone doing the high jump, from a standing start, feet together, into a bath? It doesn't happen. You'd slip and crack your skull or something.
So what were the circumstances of this "accident"? How can you possibly get into a bath both feet first, without first testing the water?
Conspiracy theorists would have had a field day with this one if they'd have picked it up. Aliens would have been blamed. MI5 implicated. But the reality is much more interesting, the Queen and Prince Philip were fed up with her indiscretions and forcibly, between them, lowered her into a bath of boiling water to teach her some respect. It's the Royal mafia. With the Queen as Capo de capos. She's got the muscle. She has a whole entourage of minders, men in black. She also just happens to be one of the richest people in the world. How come? When previous monarchs were almost destitute. Well she's running the biggest money laundering scam in history. She has her own mint. It's so blatent she even has her own picture on bank notes. That and the drugs. It all started with Queen Victoria at Balmoral. Huge drugs parties went on,there is documented proof that the local chemist supplied truck loads of drugs to Balmoral castle. They later decided to cut out the middle man and stop the rumours by producing their own drugs. To that end they had Princess Margaret buy an Island, on which they grew all the raw product they needed. What do you think is in all those diplomatic bags that they carry all over the world? But Princess Margaret wanted a bigger slice of the action. She threatened to expose the lot of them. Hence the foot torture. That kept her quiet and off her feet for a while.
So now you know the truth. And bang goes my bleedin' O.B.E..

I have this theory that everything is duplicated. Take school for instance. I guarantee that in every school there was a Gregory. In your school, like mine, there was a Gregory. he may not have been called Gregory at your school but he was there. A Gregory was the guy who turned up on the first day of the new school year in last years uniform two sizes too small. He had national health specs with sticky plaster over the bridge. His pen always leaked, his fingers always blue from the ink. His homework was always late or never appeared and he had an infinite number of excuses why, ranging from the dog ate it, to his Grandad had one of his funny turns and they all had to rush him to hospital, where the nurses thinking his homework was Grandads medical notes filed it in the system, never to be seen again.
Then there was the Howard. The Howard always turned up one the first day of the new school year wearing not the regulation school blazer but an Armani jacket with the school emblem tacked on with yellow cotton, as a token of conformity. He never excelled acedemically but for some strange reason always made it to oxbridge.
Isaac turned up first day of sixth form riding a Kawasaki 900 His school uniform was his leathers. He would inevitably be found in the carpark, surrounded by boys admiring his wheels, he'd be telling them "it's pulls 5000 in third." they'd all gasp, because they're supposed to but really they hadn't a fucking clue what he was talking about. But it sounded impressive.
Trevor was a rebel.His shirt was never tucked in, his tie askew at all times, and he habitually carried a Sainsburies carrier bag full of porno magazines, which he sold to the second formers at exhorbitant prices.
Robert, or Rob as he liked to be called, was so cool. He was immaculate, never a hair out of place, won the cross country race four years running made head boy and went on to Cambridge and then star in the Red Arrows formation team before being killed in the gulf war by an exocet missile whilst flying a Harrier on a top secret mission.
Chris was a dork. Dropped on his head when small. Grew to gigantic heights 6'7" when last seen and was regularly beaten up by first formers. Hadn't a clue how to defend himself and despite his height and stature was the smallest person in the school. Frightened of his own shadow. Went to work for local government, in the archive department.
Aiden was a music junky. He had a vast collection of music on vinyl. He knew everything about contemporary rock. He'd sit in the French language workshop with his headphones on listening to "Snow goose" by Camel. Instead of "Bonjour Je m'appelle Aiden."
Clive, a genius, never bothered attending classes and still got grade A in everything. He was so clever he couldn't find it in himself to lower himself to even speak to us idiots. We couldn't understand a word he said, it was like he spoke in a foreign language. We understood the words but not what he was saying. Teachers gave him a lot of slack because he never failed anything.
Nicholas. the music teachers favourite pet. Music teacher queerer than a nine bob note. Nicholas regularly invited to music teachers house on a Sunday afternoon for tea. never heard of again.
Michael, one of the smallest guys in school, didn't grow one inch until the fourth form but by then had changed his name to Mike Da Hat for effect. Couldn't stand to be ignored, became slightly insane and did crazy things just to get noticed. Grew two foot in one year and became one of the tallest boys at school. Didn't excell in any thing except the subjects he didn't choose for A level. Scraped by with 3 pathetic A levels and went to unknown further education establishment to do a degree in biology. Never heard of since.

You may have guessed that I went to an all boys school. So I don't have any examples of the typical Elizabeth or the typical Sally. So if you girls can help me out here. I'd love for you to fill in those gaps. You guys can tell me if you had a Gregory or a Clive in your School, or anyone else. They were in every school. I knows it. Am I right or am I right?

Rock on dudes

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