Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Shorts

A friend of mine came to the shop yesterday. He was telling me how his five year old Grandson was absolutely terrified of thunder and lightening. A couple of weeks ago him and his grandson were driving across the fens. In the distance my friend Angus saw lightening. He was worried that if the boy noticed it he'd start screaming and thrashing about in the van. The boy noticed.
"Is that Lightening Grandad." asked the boy in a worried tone.
Quick thinking was needed. "No boy that's just speed cameras for airplanes."
"Oh that's all right then." the boy settled down for a while happy with the answer then a few minutes later "Grandad. How do they keep the speed cameras up in the air?"
"Balloons son."

How's this for the most stupid man of the year prize. At our pub there's this guy who habitually goes to the gents, and while there lights up a cigarette. He does this in the following manner. Unzips, takes out downstairs member of parliament, then leaving it to do it's own thing get out his fags and while he's having a wee he lights up. It's like taking your hands off the handle bars of a bike while you're cycling. Something is going to go wrong sometime. Well this time it did. He was a tad wibbly, OK a lot wibbly, and did it in the wrong order. Something must have distracted him because he stood at the free standing urinals and lit up his fag, quite forgetting that he hadn't taken out his willy first. The first we knew of this event was when we heard.
"Oh fuck! Shit! Bastard." coming from the gents and matey boy running out the pub his trousers soaked.

I had a customer come into the shop monday. She was moaning. "I've had a bad day" she said.
"Really? what's the matter?"
"Everything is going wrong. It started yesterday."
"What did?" I asked trying to show compassion.
"A relative died yesterday."
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that."
"So was I. I had to miss the Eastenders* omnibus edition."
"Couldn't they have died another day?" I asked taking the piss just a little. The compassion factor disappearing fast.
"You'd have thought it would have been possible. Any other day great, but to die on a Sunday just when I want to watch Eastenders is very inconsiderate."
"That's terrible. So what did you do?"
"well I had to phone round all my friends and see if any of them had recorded it."
"Why didn't you record it?"
"My relative died. I couldn't record it, what do you think? I'm totally heartless or something?"
NO comment.

*for our american friends Eastenders is a soap opera.

Anyway this morning I should, in theory, be wrecked. I mean I didn't get in from the pub until 3.30am. You see last night I had my music club which I run and I'd just got my coat on and was about to go out the door to come home when in walks a long lost friend. Well he asked me to stop and have a drink with him, even though they'd called time and were locking up. I had to say yes if only to be polite. Well we had a drink and then another and there was this huge bottle of South African five star brandy on the table and the Barman cleared off home and the landlord said "I'm off to bed. Serve yourselves sling the money on the side. Lock up on your way out." So at 3:00 am I'm pulling my own pint. Steve is raiding the Jack Daniels and Mike is in the chiller cabinet getting the mixers for the Brandy. I paid for mine. Honest. Though I can't vouch for the others. Knowing Steve he probably trousered the cash I left on the side for the landlord.

Rock on dudes


iPod now playing Whiskey in the Jar by Thin Lizzy

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