Friday, December 17, 2004

The Phantom of the Opera

I went to the cinema tonight. I took my children to see "Phantom of the Opera". It as aweful. I spent two hours praying to god that it would finish. My children, Gemma and Jamie, thought it was great. But me? I wanted to die. If someone had rushed into the cinema, with guns looking for hostages I would have pleaded with them to take me.
Now I accept that some people love this sort of stuff. But I just can't relate to it. Why do they have to keep on singing every single bleedin line?
Why can't they talk normally between the songs?
Gemmalah said to me "if you write this you'll get loads of hate mail."
"Who from?" I asked.
"Me and Jamie"
"OK then I'll write about how crap it is then you can send me hate mail."
So be prepared for my own beloved children to comment, if they dare.
Most people get hate mail from sad losers who have nothing better to do but I'm hoping for hate mail from my children. Don't worry I'll still love them.
So what do I hate about this film? Well it's boring. Boring boring boring. There is one tune that stands out, that's really good, the rest is just an excuse for music. It's nothing. It's just words that are sung to a pointless tune. Words that are better left spoken. Why couldn't they catch the Phantom? Oh yeah of course why didn't I think of that? It's musical and so the phantom can't be caught it would spoil the story. He's only lived in the theatre for twenty years. He has his own box in the Gods. Why don't they take him out while he's in his box? So he's demanding 20,000 francs every so often to allow the show to go on. It doesn't make sense. IN the real world he'd have been shot straight away. Or at least captured and taken away. There was too much use of dry ice. All that mist and fake snow. There was a scene where the Phantom led Christine down a corridor where candelabras were held by loads of people. Who were they? What were they doing there? Who was paying them to hold the lights? What happened to them at the end of the film? It's all bollocks. Where does he find the money to pay all these people to stand there all the time just holding lights? And if he did have the money why bother? What happened to his secrecy?
And where did he learn to sword fight? If Miranda Richardson was the only person who saw him how the hell did she teach him to sword fight against a professional soldier?
It was at this point I started banging my head on the seat in front of me.
After the film Gemma and Jamie both declared it was the best film but Gemma thought there was something missing. She couldn't put her finger on what it was. So I suggested that it what was missing was Arnold Swarzzenegger or Sylvester Stallone or Vin Diesel. And maybe a raid by special forces. Where was James Bond when you needed him? Maybe an alien presence was called for. Ripping flesh and devouring the lesser actors one by one. I'm sorry but I can't do this. Musicals are not my bag. I don't care how you dress them up. They leave me cold. (Except for perhaps "The Rocky horror show") So now I await the wrath of my children. What words will they come up with? What independant hate mail will I get for hating this film? They predict that the wrath of God will descend on me.

So Come on kids give it your best. May I crash and burn for the heresy in your eyes. I challenge you to put me straight. I may be your father but you have your opinions. Fight back God damn it. The film was crap. A waste of millions of pounds. The rest of you can put your four penneth worth in too.


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