Puking and gagging

What perverse bastard put shower gel on my toothbrush this morning? I got up went for a shower and shave then brushed my teeth, or rather started brushing my teeth. I didn't even get to the third stroke when my mouth went all foamy. I was gagging. No don't laugh, it's not funny.
Who have I upset recently? No one, because I'm a seriously nice guy. I think. So I can only assume that when I had my morning shower and enthusiastically pumped shower gel on my shower sponge some flew off onto my toothbrush. Halitosis is a thing of the past. My mouth smelt like Lynx. It tasted foul. I don't recommend it. Aquafresh is infinitely more preferable.
For some reason on the continent you can't buy Lynx. It's branded as "Axe". It's the same stuff, different name. When I was young there was a lemonade in France called "Pshit". Oh how we laughed at that one.
Then there was Jif cleaning cream. Now it's Cif. Presumably because of Jif lemon juice.
My favourite is "Snickers" which used to be "Marathon" (it keeps you going going going) Some tiny little Greek company took Mars to court because they had the name first for their chocolate bar. They won so "Marathon" had to become "Snickers" which is a crap name for a chocolate bar. Who thinks of these names?
"Topic" what sort of name is that for a chocolate confection containing hazlenuts?

A friend of mines little girl nearly got killed over the weekend. They were coming back from a visit to Grandad and Grandma and of course they'd been treated. So on the way back little girl puked up in the car. Darling wife, driving, felt queasy so stopped on the hard shoulder. They got out to clean up little girl and the back seat. Told girl to sit on embankment away from the car. Very sensible. Unknown to all, she sat on an ants nest. Little girl was covered in ants which proceeded to bite her. She panicked and ran off screaming up the motorway. Mother luckily pulled her out of the way of a lorry just in time.

It happened to me as well but not so dramatically. Took children to see grandparents who filled up my children with trifle and icecream before the journey home. It was puke central in the car half and hour later. We were on the M11. What sort of sadistic bastards are Grandparents? Obviously when you visit someone the code of practice is to phone them when you get home safely so they don't worry. You never phone them to say you got home safely when you go anywhere else. So we phoned the Grandparents. "We're home"
"Good."
"The children were sick."
"Excellent!" (oh no surely not)
"we've got icecream, jelly, custard, hundreds and thousands all over the seats."
"Fantastic. Result." (Oh dear, are they alright?)
"I'll have to have the car valeted."
"Serves you right for being such a shit husband to our daughter" (oh dear)
"They're in bed now, they're OK." (now I've got to clean up all the vomit covered clothes)
"When are you down next?" (repeat performance)
"It's gonna be a while 'til we're free again."
"Killjoy!"

I can still hear them laughing as I hung up the phone.

Rock on dudes.