Thursday, October 07, 2004

Behind the Scenes at Porn Central

A couple leaning on my wall were eating cheap cold pasties and drinking neat vodka by the neck. Nice to see people really thinking about their food groups. They had a dog on the end of a piece of string. Suddenly a FWD screeched to a halt and a guy leapt out. He was not happy, I could tell, his language was rich in the Anglo-Saxon vernacular. He pulls a knife, the couple step back and the dog jumps up at him……and proceeds to lick his face. Using the knife he cuts the string then rounds on the couple. He screams at them for stealing his dog. They just stand there blinking pathetically, they didn’t speak, they didn’t do anything, they were acting stupid. Perhaps they were. But they didn’t seem concerned that they had just been caught trying to steal the guys dog. Eventually vodka/pastie man said he’d just thought the dog would like to go for a walk. Well this provoked yet another barrage of verbal abuse and threats. FWD man opened the door of his motor and the dog jumped in wagging it’s tail, he got in himself. Vodka man took another pull on the neck of his bottle and started looking around as if he hadn’t a care in the world. With no apologies being offered, no repentance, no acknowledgement of any crime being committed, FWD man continued with the stream of abuse, while Mrs Vodka/Pastie slowly chewed on her pastie, and waited patiently for her turn on the bottle.
Eventually after finally screaming “CHILD MOLESTER” and pointing at Vodka man, FWD man drove off. Calmly Mr Vodka turned to Mrs Vodka and adjusted her hat for her then said “Where did you put the fags?”

Meanwhile Flower Girl Dude came to see me. She was on her way to deliver £600 worth of silk flowers to a house in a very select part of Peterborough. Lovely detached house, rich neighbours. Little do these neighbours know but this particular house is a centre of the porn industry. Behind the Venetian blinds they shoot porno films. I wonder what they’d think if they knew. Flower girl dude was quite chuffed to know that her flower arrangements will be seen and admired by sports fans all over the world, their only equipment requirement being a box of Kleenex and a VCR. So no need for any trips to “Sport and Soccer” then. The porn King asked Flower Girl Dude if she knew of any builders because he wanted an extension building. By coincidence Flower Girl Dudes hubby is a builder, so he’ll be building the extension under strict instructions to keep his specially made blinkers on. No doubt he’ll end up as an extra. I’m told there’s often builders, or workmen of some sort, in these films. So this is a chance for the porn King to get a genuine builder in front of the camera, demonstrating his skills at laying…… bricks,
and humping….. loads of cement
and getting out his twelve inch…….. trowel.

Rock on Dudes.

iPod now playing – Build me up Buttercup by The Foundations

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