Ghost writer

Ghosts. I've got one of them, he's silent, just leaves a bloody aweful smell of TCP in the house whenever he visits. The ghost I don't mind, it's the TCP I hate, makes me self conscious when I have friends round but luckily they can't smell it. Even though to me it's overpowering. So I''m wandering round my room sniffing and my friends say "What's the matter?"
"Can't you smell it?"
"What?"
"Bloody TCP."
"No. Why?"
"It's him again."
"Who?"
"My ghost."
"Ah.... er.....think I've left the cooker on. I'll be seeing you."
"Don't go it's only a ghost.........ok .........bye then."
I should keep quiet about it. It tends to freak people out.
But my ghost is harmless he comes and goes. Never says anything. I'm not sure he even knows I'm here because there's no interaction, not like my previous ghost who smiled and waved his cigar at me. Not only does my Ghost not seem to know I'm here but he doesn't even realise where my furniture is. I'll be sitting there listening to my music and he'd walk into the room and walk straight through my bed. I mean for Chrissakes how stupid is that?
"Can't you bleedin well walk round my bed? I have to sleep in that you know. Leaving your bleedin ectoplasm all over my sheets." he ignores me and silently melts away before my eyes just as he reaches the curtain.
My shag buddy said "I don't care what you call it, I'm not sleeping in that damp patch."
I think I'd better put in for a new ghost, someone more entertaining. Other people have headless corpses roaming their landings, wailing and moaning and clanking chains. Tortured souls who leave bloody messages all over the walls. Poltergeists who move objects round the room. Me, I get an old man who smells of bloody TCP. Words will have to be said. If he intends to stay in my flat rent free I'm going to have to set some ground rules.
1. No TCP
2. No walking through my furniture, walk round it like regular people.
3. A little conversation might be good.
4. Stay out of sight (and smell) when I have guests.
5. No damp patches in my bed.
6. and finally for chrissakes cheer up, moping round my flat like you've got nothing to live for. Oh sorry you're already dead, what was I thinking? ......well bloody cheer up anyway, it could be worse, I could get really paranoid and call in an exorcist, I'll have you evicted before you can even say "The sow is mine".

Spook on Dudes

iPod now playing - Ghost town by The Specials