Monday, December 20, 2004

It's that time of year again

Look I'm not normally like this. I just don't get on with winter and dark days too well. I will get better I always do. I promise. I don't need to see a shrink I don't need to see a doctor. I just need some sunlight. It's called SAD. Seasonal Affective Disorder.

When I'm like this I can get really claustrophobic. Not as in confined spaces but with crowds of people. I can't cope with too many people.
Roadie and I went shopping Saturday night, it was busy. Very busy. I was going crazy. People in my way at every turn. They wont get out of my way they just stand there really stupid. I want something off a shelf and some idiot is standing there for ten minutes reading the fucking labels. I feel like shouting at them to fuck off out my way. So the stress levels rise. I just want to get out. Roadie keeps saying we need to buy one more present it's the last one. But I need to get out of the store. I want to run. To get outside in the middle of the carpark where I've got space to breathe.
Any thoughts of buying presents goes out the window I don't care if there's only one present left to buy, the panic levels are rising and I don't care if who ever it is doesn't get a present, not this minute I don't care if it's Tiny Tim himself. I start to get dizzy and the shop begins to spin around. I can't hear what Roadie is saying any more, I can see her mouth move and I can hear noise, but it doesn't make sense. My brain has stopped processing the information. I Hold onto something to stop myself swaying. From the outside I must seem normal because Roadie is still going on about this last present. It's as much as I can do to hold on long enough to get through the check out. I can hear her telling me not to be stupid it'll only take a few more minutes. But that in my condition is a lifetime. I can feel myself getting angry. But I'm trying to stay calm. I'm biting my tongue. Inside I am seething, I am so desperate to get out the shop, I'm getting angry with anyone and anything that is slowing my exit. Roadie grabs my arm and pulls me back to ask me whats wrong. It's too much and I let fly with such venom she's stunned and lets go my arm. I'm immediately ashamed of myself. But I have to get out. Even the automatic sliding doors don't open fast enough.
Out in the car park the cold air hits me, actually it's freezing, but it feels good. I can see the sky, I can feel the wind on my face. I'm only ten yards from the sliding doors and already I'm feeling better. MY heart slows down to a reasonable beat. My eyesight and my hearing come back to me. Everything is normal. Now I have to apologise for being aweful to Roadie, because she is upset with me. And despite feeling much better I also feel terrible for being so nasty. "It's not me, it's not the real me. This is not how I am. I'm not nasty usually."
But she doesn't understand what has just happened. She just thinks I'm a fucking shit, especially as she didn't HAVE to help me with christmas shopping and that's how she gets thanked."
I try and explain, but it just makes me sound like a fucking lunatic,I give up thinking it's better to be thought of as a shit than as a madman. But even that's not a great idea. I just give up.
Later when I'm fully calm I explain again, she listens and says she understands, WE'RE FRIENDS AGAIN.

Going by previous years I have about four more weeks until I start to pull out of this. Mostly people don't notice much difference except I'm quieter than usual, more introvert. What happened in the shop isn't the norm, it's quite rare actually. But even still it does happen sometimes.
So you needn't suggest miracle cures or give helpful hints, I've heard them all. Just know in four weeks time I'll be super smashing and marvellous again. It's something to look forward to. That cheers me up no end knowing that in four weeks the depression will melt away. In the meantime there's fuck all I can do about it. Hibernation might work.

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