Monday, May 09, 2005

Give it to me

We had a call from the hospital. Dad was fading fast he had just hours to live. So of course we dropped everything and rushed round to his bed side. He was laid there in his bed talking about our business and when he was coming home. There's some famous person who I can't recall who said the new of my death is premature. Something like that. But he's hanging on in there. The hospital told us he had contracted MRSA. Shit! That's serious. It nearly killed him last year. But today he's telling us it's nothing he had a chest infection and he's had the anti biotics, he's getting better.
I know he isn't going to live much longer. I know my Dad is going to leave me soon. Leave us soon. I've come to the stage where I think death is the kindest thing. He is a proud man. He hates not being able to do stuff. I don't want to lose him. He is my everything. But it's inevitable. I am torn. I want him to be healthy and still with us, but I know he wouldn't want to be incapable of even standing by himself. So do we let him go?

Shit! That's aweful. I could easily sound like I am callous and wishing him dead. But I really want my Dad to be with me forever. I don't want him to go. But at the same time I don't want him to suffer having to have bed baths and some nurse helping him onto a commode. I know he'd hate that.

I told him today I had so many questions I wanted to ask him. He just smiled and said "ask away." but I couldn't think of one question as my eyes filled up with tears. My questions seemed so trivial compared with his troubles. I guess my questions will have to be answered by myself. But Christ! I wish I had his point of view on them. And then he shut his eyes and fell asleep. He was so tired. He sleeps most of the day now. I grabbed his hand he didn't notice, or maybe he did. I don't touch my parents. I never have. I hate any physical contact with my parents. Does that make me wierd? When I was little I remember I didn't want to be hugged I didn't want to be kissed, I just wanted to be left alone with my lego to play in the corner. When my little brother was born I rejoiced because I was no longer the youngest, they could turn their attention to James and leave me alone.

But now my little brother is dead. Once again I am the youngest and I miss him so much. Perhaps it's because my Dad is dieing I feel so down. I don't want to be the baby of the family. Shit! I'm 46. I'm a musician. Rock and roll isn't like this. Today I sat on my stairs all by myself playing guitar. I was brilliant and there was no one to hear me. I wish Del was here. I was playing guitar and impressing myself I was note perfect. I played so many songs allm the way through. Not just snippets of songs but whole songs from start to finish.

The other day I went to visit Blind Dave. he is a much better guitarist than me but doesn't play live. He wanted to play my Ovation. So I took it along for him. He played stuff I could never imagine being able to do but only played snippets. He couldn't play a whole song to the end. That's the discipline of being a live performer. I am not that good. But at least I can get to the end of a song.

Without knowing it Del and Tony have taught me so much. 20 years ago I was in a folk rock band and I suffered incredible stage fright. I was throwing up before each gig. The leader of the band was a stickler for getting it right. He fucked me up big time. In the end I couldn't do it any more. Then I met Del. Del showed me that I could make mistakes and it didn't matter. Although once he threw me a terrible look on stage when I fucked up but it was only the once. Tony was out in the crowd with his radio Mike and I couldn't see him, he was doing what he is best at. Working the crowd. He signalled Del but I never saw it. So Del went into one and I was way behind. Still into a holding pattern.

You may have noticed with live bands that when someone goes into one, the band goes into a holding pattern. Playing the same chords over and over. Well I was in a holding pattern. Del saw the signal I didn't. So it got fucked up. I felt terrible. Del apologised later for getting angry with me.

Today the man who should not be named turned up at my gaff throwing stones at my window. He needed to use my phone to phone Di. Dels wife. He's just been to watch a football match with Mikey. Mikey needed entertaining while Di turned up. There was a scrap Vacuum cleaner in my yard. Mikey wanted to kick it. I said "Go ahead give it some stick"
So he kicked it. Not a lot happened. So then he picked up a stone and threw it at the vac. It bounced off. Jools said "Rock and roll"
So we devised more ways of destroying the vacuum cleaner.
Bricks were thrown at it.

Then we climbed on the roof of the shop. Me and Mikey and we threw the vacuum off the roof. It fell with a satifying crunch. So we did it again. Smash! Bit flew off it in all directions.
Just then Diane turned up with Cerrys the poppet. Six years old and wanting to get on the roof with Mikey. So Jools had to help her on top of the skip so I could reach down and hoist her up to the roof by her arms. She stood on the roof singing "King of the castle". Before I let her down by the arms back to the skip and into Jools arms.

I know Jools doesn't want me to mention his name in this blog but this is a nice mention. A mention that shows what a top man he is. He deserves credit for being a top man.

So my assistant manager has left her fuckwit fiancé. The potential inlaws have shown their credentials by demanding all money be paid back ASAP. Along with all the other abuse. I found out today he'd been engaged three times before. perhaps by now he's seen a pattern? Anyway my assistant managers own mother has demanded her money back as well. Can you believe that? her own mother. That defies belief. How can a mother be so insensitive? My assistant manager has said she has now written off her mother and she is never going to speak to her again. I don't blame her. I value her more than her own mother and tomorrow I am going to give her a cheque t0 cover her expenses, with the advice that she now puts all this behind her and goes and has a good time. Holidays are on the cards. Even if I have to pay for it myself I am determined my assistant manager has a holiday to remember. I don't need her down hearted. She is too valuable to me. Do you know how hard it is to get a good employee? I want to keep this girl.

As the boss of my business I am prepared to carry her for a while. I am giving her a lot of leaway. Days off? No problem. Time to get her head together? No problem. I can cope without her. It's going to be hard. But if I can keep my girl it will be worth it. She will come back bouncing. She doesn't have as much confidence in herself as I have with her. I can see a time when she takes over from me when I retire. But until than I want her to have a life, to have fun, to enjoy herself. She needs to grow up. Get a grip of life. To find out what she really wants.

I'm not sure many employers would take this attitude. But I have faith in this girl. She is special. She needs space right now and I'm prepared to give her that space and still pay her even if she is taking time off. If you met her you would love her. You would give her time as well. You would see her potential. One day she will take over my job and do a much better job than I ever could. But until than I have to teach her. Teach her about business, how things work. Just like my Dad gave me the chance and gave me the business to run. She will take over from me. It will be a few years down the line. But...................... Have you ever loved someone who is in no way connected with you? I could have left her to rot in her own making. I'm not religious. But she is special. She deserves more................

I don't know what you guys are going to comment on. There's so much. But comment away. Give it large. Tell me what you think. I need some input.

Rock on dudes



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