Tuesday, April 26, 2005

My dad #2

Thank you all for your kind comments. Dad is stable now. He is confused he is telling the nurses that Mother is visiting my little brother, James, in Scotland. Which is great except my little brother died four years ago. He can't remember a thing that has happened to him. He doesn't remember Mother coming to see him. He was going to discharge himself but the nurse told him "You haven't even the strength to lift a pen never mind get up and walk out."
He said "Haven't I? You're right I am a bit tired I'll have a sleep and go home this afternoon."
He has three tubes into his neck and more in his arms. Then there's the sensors stuck to his chest. I've never seen so many wires and tubes stuck in and on one person. He's getting his moneys worth for all the times he's paid his national insurance.
He made me laugh. he said to me "Mike give me a pull up."
"Why?" Thinking he was just uncomfortable.
"I'm going home now."
"No you're not."
"Why not?"
"Because you've had a massive heart attack and you're very weak."
"Am I?"
"Yes Dad."
"I must admit I'm a little tired right now. OK I'd better have a sleep and I'll go home this afternoon. Where's your mother?"
"She was just here two minutes ago."
"Was she? Isn't she in Scotland visiting James?"
"No dad she's in the waiting room with Chris."
"Well tell her to go home and put the kettle on. I'll be there soon."
He's very confused right now.
I'm all cried out now. I can't cry anymore. I've passed a point. I don't know what that point was. It's not that I don't care anymore. I do. But I cried so much over the weekend. That it's out of my system.
Now I am strong again. I have had so many messages of support thatit's given me strength.

Del though he wont believe it has been my rock. Saturday night when I was at my worst I went round to Dels house. I just sat there while he kept talking about anything. It didn't matter what. I just sat there listening to him. It went in one ear and out the other, but he kept on talking to me.
At one point I remember him asking me if I wanted to do something like play guitar or try and record a song. I didn't. I didn't want to do anything I just wanted to sit there listening to him talk. I felt safe and secure as long as Del kept talking. It would have been aweful if he'd stopped. But he didn't. He kept it normal for me, talking about any thing and everything. He never stopped talking. I don't know if it was instinct or what. But he seemed to know..............
Del has his faults just like anyone. But I couldn't ask for a better friend.

I run the family business. I have done so for the last ten years. My father has never officially retired so I've run it with him in the background. I make all the decisions now. Any major decisions I refer to Dad who invariably agrees with me. The stupid thing is I am now the youngest of the family and everyone looks to me to sort things out. I have an older brother who works for me and an older sister. I've always been cool with that until now. Why can't my older brother and sister look after me for a while? Why do I have to make all the decisions? Why do I have to be strong? When I'm falling apart at the seams. Where is Helene when I need her? I'm not going to cry anymore, but I need some slack right now. I need my Helene.
She's gone from me now. Gone back to her fuckwit husband who she hates.

God I feel angry right now. I'm angry my Dad had a heart attack. I'm angry he can't remember a thing. I'm angry that I am helpless and I can't do a thing about it. I'm angry that I'm the youngest and have to be the strongest. I'm angry that Helene fucked off and dumped me when I needed her most. I'm angry that I'm angry.

But I have you guys. I have Del. I have Diane. I have you. You will keep me sane. Del will keep on chatting to me and Diane will give me hugs. You will give me your thoughts. Petal will be realistic and tell me to pull myself together. I will flounder meanwhile for a while until I get my shit together.

There is no iPod tonight so nothing is playing. And I don't know why it's all gone italicised. I don't give a shit.



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