Jamie Lee Curtis is a tease. She came to see me today.
"Come round mine tonight." she cooed, all sexy like and desperate for my body.
"What time?" I asked, tearing at the bit.
"oh after my husband has left. I'll phone you." That's her ex husband I hasten to add, and he's a big fella. "We can watch Star wars episode two on TV... I've seen it before but..." She's standing in front of me all slim and blond hair falling over her eyes.
"...if we're bored we can do something else?" I chip in.
"oooh yesssss!" Bright pink lipstick. If we weren't in the street...
Apparently her husband didn't leave until very late. So I went out with Del instead. In the pub he was telling all comers that I'd been out shagging Jamie Lee Curtis. They didn't believe him. Nor did I. Because I hadn't.
Damn Damn Damn Damn!
Don't get me wrong much as I love Del he is not my idea of a good shag. Diane might put me right and say he is the best shag since the dawn of time, but even such a testimony will not sway me to think of him in any other way than my best friend.
Then shortly after Jamie Lee Curtis came to see me Lorraine stepped into view. She came in to see me. God she's cuter than a cute thing on a Hallmark greetings card and much more fun.
"Can we go outside to talk?" she said very very quietly.
"Sure." I said thinking we'd have our usual chat.
"I'm pregnant." she says. Just like that.
"Don't worry it's not yours." But I wasn't worried on that score. I've been firing blanks for over ten years. There wasn't a possibility it was mine.
"Haven't you figured out what's causing this?" I joked.
"I don't know, it just happened."
"So what about your career and your plans?"
"I guess they're on hold for a while."
"So the photos are out then?"
Here's a tip for you guys. Girls love the idea of having some sexy, but not pornographic photos taken of themselves. So we're talking suggestive not explicit. No money shots. No geanocological shots. Comprendi? Unless of course big bucks are involved.
So I suggested some subtle Demi Moore type shots. She said she'd think about it. Shit! Where can I get a sheepskin rug from at short notice? Or even better a tiger skin rug. I'll look on Ebay.
Kevin a music producer came to see me today. Yes they were all turning up today. I offered my services as a photographer.
"Sorry Mike but I've already hired a guy from Stamford called Christian. He's done Robbie Williams."
Has he by Christ! Even I wouldn't stoop so low.
The bastard. Perhaps I'd get more success if I was called Christian or Tristam. But then maybe I'm better off as Mike Da Hat. You know what I'm saying.
Rock on Dudes
And Rock on Del