Friday, November 12, 2004


You know I told you I had a ghost. A little old man who smells of TCP. Well now I have a shit load of them. These new ones are my downstairs ghosts. They're illusive little bastards and wont let me see them properly. One is more brave than the other and I can tell she is a girl dressed in blue. The others are just dark shapes that flit in and out of my vision. It feels like I now have five ghosts. One upstairs, the little old man and four downstairs, or it could possibly be two the dark one who flits about very quickly. and the girl in blue. It's a long blue dress that reaches almost to the floor. They don't bother me much but they can be distracting when I'm trying to write. I've got visions of the film "truly madly deeply" where the first ghost decides I'm OK and then invites his friends round, because this is a safe haven for ghosts.

But it could be I'm hallucinating because I'm so tired and am not eating properly. To find the extra hours I've stopped cooking. Tonight I ate a slice of fruit cake topped with slices of cheese, followed by a banana and a few biscuits. Now let's work out the food groups here. Fruit cake: loads of carbohydrate and some vitamins. Cheese there's my protein, banana: vitamins and roughage. biscuits oh what the hell I like biscuits so that's my enjoyment a cup of decaff coffee with loads of sugar. I'm sorted. A few beers and there's my vitamin B6. Oh yes and I had half a pint of orange juice. Vitamin C. See you needn't worry. I was a biologist I know about these things.

My ghosts are quiet tonight. I haven't seen hide nor hair of them all day. Make s you wonder where they are. Where do they go to when they're not looking over my shoulder trying to see what I'm writing? They've never spoken to me. Miserable bastards! Sometimes I think they're taking the piss because I'm so laid back and don't give a shit. yesterday was a ghost fest. They were everywhere. Today nothing. What's that all about? Are they hiking from one place to another. I don't even see the old man every day. Yesterday I smelt his TCP but didn't see him. The girl in the long blue dress was most prominant.

Tonight I was rehearsing with Del. As I walked out the door I said "Are you having a haircut?"
"What? That's exactly what I was thinking just then."
MY psychic friend told me I was psychic myself. But I can't focus on it. It's beyond my power. I have thoughts but I don't know where they come from and I can't decipher whether they are psychic thoughts or not. That's why so many people, including me, are very sceptical about this sort of stuff. They will say it's just coincedence.To be honest that's exactly what I think. But so many things happen that it makes you wonder. As an ex-scientist I have to say that the probability of these things happening randomly or slightly outside the norm, is not significant enough to make me truly believe. BUt so many things happen outside the norm that I do wonder.

Before rehearsal I took my boy Jamie to the cinema. I wanted to see the new Bridgit Jones Movie. He said he wouldn't be seen dead watching that, so we saw "The grudge" a japanese horror film. It was aweful. I saw last week "Saw" unrelenting misery. Despite famous actors in it I could not see any redeeming features in it. There was no hope just torture and pain all the way through. No feel good ending. This new genre is deeply traumatic. It gives you no hope. No denouement. You leave the cinema on a downer. The good guys don't win. The men in the white hats don't come through. The bad guy wins in the end. I don't want that. I need hope. I like action, mayhem and murder but in the end the good guys must pull through. This new style of filming doesn't give you that feel good factor. I shall have to discuss it with Gemmalah. She knows more than I ever will about films. And she's my baby girl.

Tiredness is overcoming me., I haven't written any of my novel tonight. I have lost heart. I have lost the impetus. It's not worth the late nights. It's not worth the lack of sleep. I've had it. There's so much to do and no encouragement. I need to rest. But I can't I've got this gig Saturday night. My ex has gone away so I have to look after Jamie as well. People want things of me and I've got nothing left to give. I've come to a brick wall and I can't go on. Stop the month. I'll start again Monday. I need to rest. Forgive me there's only so much I can give.

Sleep on dudes

iPod now playing - Milk and alcohol by Doctor Feelgood


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