Thursday, January 06, 2005

You're a Cad and a Bounder Sir

With nothing better to do I wrote this little skit for a friend.
I'd been talking to someone about relationships and this lot just sort of slipped out onto the keypad.

"You're a cad and a bounder Sir and I demand satisfaction."
"Well get your kit off while I warm my hands."
"Where's the romance?"
"I'm sorry dearie romance is extra. I need prior warning for romance, there's stuff to arrange, flowers to be bought, choccies to find."
"But surely romance is part of the satisfaction I have demanded."
"Well there's the nub of it m'lady, it's your definition of satisfaction, if you check the small print of your contract what you 'ave signed not ten minutes ago, you will notice a small codacil........'ere you are ma'am, a magnifying glass.... ahem, as I was saying, and I quote "The designated Cad and Bounder" that's me ma'am "will satisfy on a purely physical basis the satisfyee" that's you ma'am."
"But it's so small."
"It's not what you 'ave dear, it's what you does wiv it, as they say."
"Well what do I get for my six pence and three farthings?"
"A kings ransom ma'am to be sure. Let me consult my code of practices manual, pocket sized for convenience. Hmmmm Yes ma'am the world is your oyster, we 'ave an 'ole plethora of things you can have for six pence three farthings however if you want to make it seven pence 'apenny I'll throw in light conversation as well. Although if you notice codacil three in your contract it firmly states religion an' politics is out."
"Do I have enough for a shag?"
"A shag ma'am? A shag? I'm sorry but we at Cuthbert Mortimer and Bragg do not engage in... oh dear oh dear... a simple shag as you so eloquently puts it. We as finesse, style, we lovingly coax you to your required level of satisfaction we do not.... as you put it..... shag."
"But you are a Cad and a Bounder surely that requires the ability to shag."
"It's a simple marketing tool ma'am. Caveat emptor."

iPod now playing - Exultate jubilate alleluia by Mozart


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