Thursday, June 23, 2005

Madre Mia

So after going with Del to the pub. I came home to write a piece about Del. At Dels request. But as I got home and went round the corner to my back door, I found a body on my doorstep. Oh Fuck! Not another? I check to see if it was a stiff. But there was life.
I dialled 999.
Which service?
Ambulance.
So I'm feeling guiilty because I'm calling an ambulance for someone who's obviously drunk as a skunk. Evidence being one half eaten donor kebab and a supersize portion of chips. What if they come here and someone dies of a heart attack. But then if I didn't call 999 how would I feel if the next morning I opened up to find him dead on my doorstep? So I passed the buck a bit, I explained that the guy was just obviously drunk. It wasn't a heart attack, or a car crash.
I explained everything.
I'll stay on the line with you until the ambulance arrives.
Hmmmm that's new, never noticed that before, but then I've never phoned about a body on my doorstep.
The ambulance arrives. The ambulance girl is seriously cute. Her partner a man in his early thirties has short cropped hair like a Marine. Together they examined the body declared him drunk and proceeded to kick the living shit out of him to wake him up. That's not strictly true, they shook him gently.
Hello! Can you hear me?
Ugh.
Can you open your eyes for me?
Urgh
I think he's going to be sick Do you have any of those kidney bowls you can hold under his mouth I don't want to be clearing up vomit from my back door tomorrow morning.
What's your name?
Urglechuck
What was that?
Urglechuk
I think he's Polish.
I think you could be right. Look there's his mobile phone we'll see if we can't call someone to get him......... what's Polish for Mother?...........no here it is "Madre"
Is that polish for Mother?
Must be. I'll phone.
Five minutes later a black car pulls into my yard. A short dark haired women get's out, she runs to the body lying there. Flings her arms round him and starts wailing, smothering him in kisses.
For chrissakes he's gonna chuck up any second. Then you'll be sorry.
It turns out the woman was his wife and she'd been searching the streets for him for hours, his Mother had called her on her mobile after the ambulance man called her.
They coaxed him to his wifes car and did up his seat belt. The wife is still kissing him in the car and finally drives off.
The ambulance guys thanked me for being diligent and my anxiety about wasting their time was lessened.

And that's why I can't write Dels piece. He'll be gutted. May never speak to me again. Cast out into the wilderness. The barbecue cancelled. And all drinking priveliges withdrawn. Will he understand? Find out in the next exciting episode

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