Saturday, July 09, 2005

Undercover Surveyance

So I'm in the shop and this guy walks in, looks this way and that and walks up to me flashing ID. Royal Mail security. Oh No! I've been caught! Reusing an unfranked, stamp steamed off an old letter.
"Do you recognise that man outside next to the black car?" he asked me.
"Who? Him?"
"Don't look at him... Look away now."
"Why?"
"Do you know him? Has he used a credit card in your shop? .... No don't look."
Suddenly I'm very conscious of trying to look nonchalent whilst eyeballing a villain, should I start whistling or what?
"What's he done."
"Stolen mail bags and taken the credit cards out."
"Why don't you pick him up then?"
"He's under surveyance. We're building a dossier on him."
"Oh he's a bad 'un then?"
"Don't, whatever you, do approach him. He carries a knife. Don't even attract his attention."
"Right.... Well thanks for that."
"Hang on he's on the move. Quick give me a pack of Electrolux dust bags. I've got to go." He dashed out of the shop with his bags under his arm and jumped into his unmarked Vauxhall Corsa and sped off up the road after the Villain. NO expense spared there then.

Meanwhile, I'm informed, a pub down the road has been bought by a local drug dealer. Not sure which one. I was told the name but I've conveniently forgotten. It's been converted right now into a Pole dancing club. Just what we need in the neighbourhood. You can never have too many Pole dancing venues. I guess this compliments the already opened Lapdancing club in town called "Angels". A friend of mine went the other night. For £20 you get your own personal dance. Except it's not exactly personal. You pay your £20 and get taken to a room where in theory the girl dances for you. But the reality is half a dozen other people have also paid £20 and are waiting in the same room to get the same dance personally for them. Doesn't seem quite right somehow. They've also got their own "hole-in-the-wall" bank terminal the which is worrying. So there's a couple of places I'll be avoiding in my quest to remain pure of heart soul and body. My body is a temple.

Rock on dudes and... mines a pint.

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