Drunk in charge

So I'm in this pub minding my own business playing guitar, sitting on a bar stool is this guy who's been getting stewed all night. His girlfriend is close she's pretty hammered too and getting a bit amorous. She flings herself at him arms wrapped round his neck and plants a huge one on his cheek. It takes him by surprise as he's not settled down too well on his stool.
The first thing I notice, after she's flung herself at him, is his arms go outward. He's teetering on the edge. Just one tiny finger push could put him back on all four legs of his stool, he's so finely balanced, he's like one of those tall chimney stacks that's just been blown up. They hang in the air for a second thinking about it before finally toppling to the ground.
The guy topples, his girlfriend topples with him like she's flying through air her feet off the ground like a freefall parachutist. He smashes his head on a corner of the wall, for a second he doesn't move. The girl cradles his head with her hands and finds blood. She starts screaming. At this point I stop playing guitar as I can't compete with her screaming not even with the PA system turned right up.
The guys comes to pretty quickly and wants to get up, he wakes up in a crowd, all telling him to stay exactly where he is. They guy doesn't like lieing on the floor amongst the beer stains and dog ends and I don't blame him but they hold him down, and call for more towels to staunch the blood that's pouring from his head. Eventually the guy threatens to punch out someones light if they don't "get the fuck off me and let me stand". They let him stand. "I'm going home now."
"What about the ambulance?" asks the samaritan who called for it.
"If you don't get out of my way it'll be here just in time for you to be hitting the floor."
"er.... I'll cancel it then?"
"You do that." and he walked out the pub.

Yesterday afternoon three girls were roaming the centre lane of the main road outside my gaff. They were all pissed and carrying helium party baloons and wearing sparkly crop tops and huge hoop earrings. Cars swerved this way and that to avoid them as they weaved in and around the traffic. After a few minutes they stopped a car by almost sitting on it's bonnet. "We've got ourselves a lift." shout's one of the girls and rips open the passenger front door. A single decker bus at that exact moment was coming up behind and had to swerve onto the pavement to avoid the girl and the car door, she just laughed oblivious to the drivers curses. They drive off in their hi-jacked car.

Yet again the ambulance service has been called to give attention to the drunks that have taken up residence in the grave yard opposite. As early as 8:30am they can be seen like a trail of ants walking to and fro from their "nest" in the graveyard to the corner off licence and back carrying bags of special brew or Frosty Jack. As a couple of the drunks walked past me I heard one say to the other "....I don't think that's a good idea to do that, you don't want to be doing bird again......"

Peterborough may be a lot of things ..... but it aint boring.

Rock on dudes