Basildon Disaster Appeal

ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL


A mojor hurricane (Shazza) measuring 9.9 on the beaufort scale hit in the early hours of Monday. The main force of the wind hit Basildon Essex. Victims were seen wandering around aimless muttering "Bleeeedin' 'ell".The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of momentos from the balearics and the Spanish Costas, straw donkeys and mexican hats were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed and many locals were waken by the tempest well before their Giros were due to arrive.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had occurred in basildon.

One resident Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of five said "It was such a shock my daughter Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. Tyson and Beckham needed immediate treatment with Sunny Delight and the two youngest Kylie Morgan and Megan Storm slept through it. I was still shaking when Trisha came on the next morning."

The good news is that the lootings, muggings and car crime carried on as normal. The British red cross ,first on the scene, has already managed to ship in 4,00o crates of Sunny Delight. Medecine Sans Frontieres have sent a consignment of Stella Artois for the most urgent cases.
Rescue workers are still searching the rubble and have so far found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books, jewelry from Elzabeth Duke at Argos and Bone china from the Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothes parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after, items needed most include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa track suit tops (his and hers)

Shell suits (female)

White sport socks

Nike Trainers

Clown necklaces

Food parcels may be harder to come by but with your help and support we know we can save many from this tragedy and give them back the life they have known. Required foodstuffs include.

Microwave meals

Baked beans (Aldi as a preference)

Ice cream

Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew


STOP PRESS - BREAKING NEWS

The government has declared a state of emergency and have requested assistance from the United States. President George Bush has sent crack M.A.S.H. units to the scene. MacDonalds Army Sandwich Hospital. They are now administering Big Macs and Fries to the afflicted.

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in Tomato ketchup. "Where are you bleeding from?" they asked.
"Romford" replied the girl "Woss that got to do wiv it?"


So give what you can. Even a small amount can make a difference.

Remember. Just 10p can buy a biro to fill out the claim forms. £2 will buy a tray of chips, crisps and a blue fizzy drink. £5 will pay for a packet of lambert and Butler and a lighter. £7.99 will buy a genuine Elizabeth Duke moving clown Pendant crystal set, chain length 46cm/18" cat no: 234/3019. £10 gets you 10-1 at Chepstow third race. These things are needed now.

Don't delay call our hotline now where a trained operator will take your money.

Call now on

O8OO 2428 7286 that's O8OO CHAV SCUM

CHAVSCUM is a registered charity no: 8748302
Registered Offices: Beckham House, 10 Wayne Rooney Road, Basildon BS1 4BS
Directors Wayne Darren Smith, Sharon Kylie Smith, Britney Chelsea Smith and Lance.


iPod now playing - Eve of destruction by Barry Maguire