Shagging your wifes sister.
Friends I've got to tell you this. My ex wife is so entertaining. She phoned me yesterday to discuss something about the children. I took the opportunity to ask a favour.
"so what do you want?" she asks me.
"I want a new hat."
"Yeah and what's that got to do with me?"
"Well I thought you could ask your sister in Australia to get me a new one and send it over and I'll pay her."
"I don't talk to my sister anymore."
"You don't? Why not?"
"She betrayed me."
"Really?" I was getting interested. "Come on give. Dish the dirt. What did she do?"
"She had an affair."
"Great! Who with? Do I know him? When was this?" I had so many questions to ask. It was intrigueing, her sister, butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, had had an affair."Come on dish the dirt. Tell me everything."
"Don't lie to me. It was with you."
"WHAT? You've got to be joking."
"You can't deny it. She confessed in front of my mother and my sisters and your daughter."
"Confessed that you seduced her and was shagging her in her flat."
"I should have been so lucky."
OK that last response may have been a mistake. I realise this now. To me it was a throw away comment. Meaningless. You don't have to point it out to me. Because... Well hell and damnation were let loose on me down the phone line. Interspersed with other gems of information like I didn't behave in a way condusive with being a brother in law. My behaiviour towards her sister was nothing more than lascivious and inappropriate. I wore her down with my good looks and charm until eventually she relented and we made mad passionate love on the sheepskin rug in front of her gas fire in her flat.
God I wish I'd have been there. It sounds great. But for the life of me I can't remember doing such a thing.
Anyway when I'd stopped laughing my socks off at this and upsetting the ex even more by not taking these accusations seriously. I began to think about it. No don't worry I didn't suddenly have this revelation that in a drunken haze I actually did something with her cute sister. No, I started thinking about what the ex had said.
Her sister had supposedly confessed in front of her mother and their sisters. Why? Why on earth would she want to confess something like that and make herself out to be a cheap tart for shagging her sisters husband? It didn't make sense.
Then when did she allegedly confess this? Because for the last ten years she's been living in Australia and hasn't ever come back? So if she confessed this ten years ago why wasn't it mentioned at the time? We were still five years away from being seperated. A bomb shell like that would have certainly rocked the boat ten years ago.
So I have come to the conclusion she's fishing. My ex that is. She accusing me of stuff in the hope she'll catch me off guard and I'll confess to being unfaithful to her. The truth is I was weak. In the sixteen years we were married I was so weak. I didn't have the courage to be unfaithful.
She even accused me of having an affair with a secretary in the insurance office where I went to to get my car insurance. Now this secretary was in a create-a-job-for-the-unemployable scheme. She had the mind of a six year old and dribbled. She had her own My little pony tableau on her desk. Apparently she told my wife she loved me and I was a great kisser and great in bed. Now that might be absolutely true. But she wouldn't know that. Never will.
So the ex is never going to catch me out no matter how many accusations she throws at me. I was never unfaithful to her. Well not until the last month we were together when I knew I was leaving anyway. But that's another story. I wrote about it in my unfinished novel. I'll give you a clue. Beauvoir sur mer.
Rock on dudes