Pulp (non) Fiction

So we're in the kitchen and Zoe fueled with copious amounts of prosecco starts dancing "like a loon". I join in and we're replicating the dance scene in "Pulp Fiction" I'm John  Travolta and Zoe is Uma Thurman, well I think it was that way round, gender equality an all that.
Eventually Zoe says "You know I've never lived with anyone stupid enough to dance with me in the kitchen before."
"Thanks ...errrr... I think."

The Indian Pissing contest

I'm in an Indian restaurant with my two good friends Mike and Rory, they are musicians, guitarists although Mike is a multi- instrumentalist, there is no occasion, we're just there for a meal. The waiter comes over to take our order. Mike says "I'll have the chicken Phall, with extra chilli."
"But Sir the Phall is already our hottest dish."
"Yes I know," says Mike,  "But I'd like it hotter. As hot as you can."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes Phall with a lot more chilli."
"I'll get the chef." The waiter hurries away and comes back a few minutes later with the chef.
"I'm told you want the Chicken Phall.... but with extra chilli?"
"Yes."
"This no ordinary Phall, it's very hot,  I make it myself,are you sure you wont have the regular Phall?"
"No I want extra chillis."
"OK But understand I am making this to your specification so you don't send it back if you don't like it."
"Yes absolutely. Hot as you like. Hotter." The chef walks away shaking his head, the waiter writes down Mikes order he turns to Rory.
"I'll have the same as him."
"The extra hot chicken Phall?"
"Yes."
The waiter looks at me expectantly, but I'm not joining in their pissing contest. I say "I'll have the Jalfrezi."
We chat over beers and the food arrives. Two extra hot Phalls and my relatively mild (But still spicy) Jalfrezi. The waiter is hovering. I look over to the kitchen the chefs are watching as Mike picks up his fork digs in and takes a mouth full. It takes his breath away, his face is turning red and little beads of sweat start appearing on his forehead.
"Everything toy  your satisfaction Sir?" asks the waiter sarcstically.
Mike looks up and croaks "Yes perfect, just as I like it." The waiter smiles and walks off. I swear he was doing a  fist pump.
Rory takes a mouthful, immediately he is reaching for his lager. he put's his hand up to attract the waiters attention "Three more cobras here please." he gasps.
"Of course Sir."
Meanwhile my Jalfrezi is perfection, delicately balanced flavours, nice level of heat, with a side order of cucumber and mint relish. I watch Mike and Rory match each other fork for fork, neither will admit defeat, except Mike has the higher ground as he is not drinking half a bottle of Cobra between mouthfuls. I am enjoying watching them struggle. Macho nonsense. They are both red faced and sweating. Finally they finish. Mike pronounces it the best curry he's ever had,  Rory says "It could have been hotter."
Then in an act of bravado Mike goes to the kitchen to congratulate the chef on a fine curry.
I was not sure how he could tell it was a fine curry.  

Getting old in the underworld

My main man came to see me. his dog fell asleep in Scouts bed. Scout was not happy with that. I said to him"Your dog is very quiet. That's unusual. Normally it runs about everywhere."
"He's just been to the vets."
"Why? What's wrong with your dog?"
"It ate £10 worth of marijuana. So he's a bit zonked now."
My man was mugged the other day. he was getting £20 out of the machine in the wall, he took the money from the machine, turned around and a man punched him in the face. He fell to the floor and the man grabbed his money and ran off. He was not really hurt but more shocked and surprised. Then he was very angry. He said he knew the man who did it. He knows all the bad people round here.. So now he has all his friends looking for him. This is another world within a world. A world you don't see but it's there all around you. It's the same everywhere.
A few days ago a man we saw an old man, bent with age and arthritis, he couldn't walk very well and was very polite.When he had gone he said "I know that man,When I was growing up his family were the worst. he was the father and all his children were thugs. Everyone was scared of them. They thought they could do anything and get away with it. So they did what they wanted. Can you believe that?""
"No I wouldn't."
"Well it's true. Complete bastards the lot of them. They made everyones lives a misery. Now he is saying please and thank you because he is old and weak."
"What about the kids? What happened to them?"
"Well when he couldn't back them up anymore, they sorta lost their courage. It was false courage. To be fair they were all a bunch of cowards, living on their father reputation and when that went so did theirs. They drifted off to other places. We don't see them anymore. Just him. You wouldn't believe it would you to look at him?"