Thursday, August 31, 2006

Sandwich short of a picnic

The Sandwich delivery lady came to the shop. She's very cute in a peroxide blonde fake tan sort of way. She gives me yet another free sandwich.
"Oh my husbands got a new girlfriend." she says like he's just got a new watch.
"Oh really? Is that a good thing."
"I don't mind. It keeps him off my case."
"Does that mean he's leaving you?"
"No such luck, he'll come and go and shag his floozy as and when. It's not a problem."
"You're very tolerant."
"I'm not the jealous type. Go on have a cake as well. A big man like you needs feeding up."
Yikes!!!

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Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Rocking for Chariddy

These are my mates Dave and Damo from the band Acer. They were at a charity function Sunday night. I phoned Duncan at the Evening Telegraph asking if he wanted some pics to go with the story he was going to write. He didn't even know about it. So much for the big promotions company. They forgot the basics like actually advertising the gig and mentioning it to the newspapers. Three guys and a dog turned up... ..not really but the event was very poorly attended, which is a shame because the bands were shit hot. We had great bands at a great venue, great sound system brilliant lighting, but then the local radio DJ died a thousand deaths because no one gave a shit. Bless him trying to run a charity auction with a crowd of twenty. I bid for a couple of books. I got them for £10. On collecting them they said "Hang on you might as well have this lot as well. They didn't sell in the auction." they handed me a carrier bag. So I got for £10 two books worth £38 both signed by the author, 7 cd's, 2 free tickets for the local cinema and a wallet and a keyring and a couple of landrover biros and a lovely orange carrier bag. Posted by Picasa

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Thursday, August 24, 2006

Hot bedding

In an effort to deter the wagging tongues of small minded England I persuaded the lovely Rachel from London an old friend of mine from University days who is currently between husbands to come and help us out with a bit of positive propoganda. I figured if they saw Rachel coming in and out of our compact and bijou residence they would stop thinking that Rory and I are two old tarts, shirt lifters. Instead they'd be jealous thinking that we're playboys on the pull getting all the hot girls.
OK Rachel is about my age 46, so she's no cat walk model, but she is cute in a middle aged, mum of two grown up children, sort of way. So to celebrate her recent divorce Rachel, Rory and I attacked a bottle of Jack. Well we thrashed that sucker within a millimetre of it's life. Alright we killed it. With the empty bottle still spinning on the coffee table we staggered up to bed.
Wondering what to do now we were alone, Rachel and I decided we'd play "Scrabble" in bed a bit, after a while we changed the game to crazy golf improvising the stick and the balls. Then exhausted after a few rounds we fell into an alcohol induced sleep.
It's great being "gay".

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Small Town England

So I am just leaving my new legit(ish) house and a neighbour spots me and beckons me over, in a sort of "you-boy-come-here school ma'am" way. I toddle over.
"You're one of those new musicians just moved in?"
Well that's better than you're one of those two gays who have just moved in.
"Oh yes!" I say breezily.
"I have a complaint." No shit? It had to happen soon or later amongst the small minded in middle England.
"What's that?"
"Your guitars are interfereing with my TV."
"I can't see how that can be?"
"Your loud electric guitars are making my TV go fuzzy everytime you play."
"That's interesting. We don't have electric guitars, we don't have a single one in the house.They're all acoustic."
"It must be your amplifiers then."
"We play unplugged."
"I can see we're going to have trouble here." the school ma'am fiddled with her car keys and turned toward her car, stopped, and as a final put down, spat almost imperceptively "Don't let it happen again."
She's mad.

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Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Manflu

Friends I have manflu. Due to adverse publicity of this incredibly debilitating disease our women folk do not take it at all seriously. They laugh at us and call us wimps. They don't understand just how dangerous Manflu can be. I phoned various girlfriends explained I had Manflu and asked if they'd come round to look after me. I tell you guys all I got was abuse. The second word was "Off". So I have no one to mop my fevered brow. No one to tempt me with sweet morsels to keep my strength up. No one to buff my helmet because I don't have the strength to do it myself. I'll not forget this callous disregard for my health. When they all come crawling back when I'm fit and healthy again (or should I say if I'm fit and healthy again). They'll be sorry.

Meanwhile this is a self portrait of me and my good friend Tim who incidently is a musician, a very good musician. Think Al Stewart take away any reference to history and you'll have Tim.

Rock on Dudes

PS Wait until there's a deadly strain of "girl flu" we'll be laughing then. Mwah ha ha ha ha

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Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Pay the bills tour

So Del was moaning last night that I haven't posted anything recently. Which is true as far as he is concerned but not true as I've been a busy little beaver over here This is a photo I took Sunday night. Bless them they looked so cute all cuddled up and sleepy like babies. I didn't quite know what to make of it so I didn't even try to figure out who was with who. It didn't seem to matter that much.
Anyway talking of babies my sisters little girl has had her baby. I say that like you know all about it. Which you don't. But anyway for all you girls out there here's an information bulletin:

It's a boy.
His name is Cameron James
He was born 12:45pm 14th August 2006
He weighed 9lbs exactly.
He was born really quickly. 1st contraction to birth 1 hour.
Mother very well needed no stitches or anything.
He's already outgrown his newborn clothes at 2 hours old.

Now an information bulletin for you men out there:

It's a baby. Whatever!!!

So I find I have to learn guitar. Hmmmm I've been playing guitar for the last 20 years and in that time played live on stage and earnt money at it. But I've never had a lesson in my life. Until now. I've been entirely self taught so that's not bad. But it seems now I've taught myself a shit load of bad habits and as a result I've hit a brick wall with any potential improvement of my playing. So I've gone back to basics. Playing scales and exercising my pinkies. Rock and roll! Play it 'til your fingers bleed. Rory is teaching me. Properly.

Rock on dudes

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Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Yer Wadda Waddawad

So I asked Rory if he had any hated tunes.
He told me when he was playing professionally in South Africa he was asked by an Afrikaans if he could play. "yer wadda waddawad"
"What?"
"Yer Wadda Waddawad"
"I don't know that one. How does it go?"
"frum Grease maan! yer wadda waddawad ooooh oooh oooooooh"
He's hated "You're the one that I want" ever since.

Mark Mark Mark Mark Mark! A Jeff Beck solo a great song does not make. It can lift a crap song from aweful to mildly interesting, but it can't make it great, except in the case of the sax solo on Baker Street.

Del: I've got King Crimson "21st Century Schizoid man" on vinyl. Now there's a classic if ever I fell over one.
Oh and maybe you'd approve of Yes "Going for the one" if only for the impossible vocals of Jon Anderson. He must have had a tourniquet on his nadgers to hit those notes.
The Mike Da Hat prize for the best overly long track of all time (which I happen to like)goes to "Sad eyed lady of the lowlands" off Blond on blond by Bob Dylan followed swiftly (actually about 25 minutes later) by "Desolation Row" also by Bob Dylan.
"I just called to say... I'm going to throw up" thank you Cherrypie.

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Tuesday, August 08, 2006

God how we hate lists, Here's another!

So wage Monkey wants to exchange for 10cc for Creams "Sunshine of your love"? well personally I'd class that as a cool song anyway not an uncool song that it's now cool to listen to. It's always been cool.
I've been considering Meatloafs "Bat Out of Hell" that's so uncool it's cool and gone back to being uncool, unless the very fact it's uncool now makes it yet again cool.
Joan Jett "I love rock and Roll" is a good one.
One for the oldies to consider. "Hi Ho Silver Lining" by the Jeff Beck Group. I remember stomping along to to that at the memorial hall discos when I was a long haired, incredibly thin and gawky teenager. It was corny then (but fun) and it's corny now. I can't imagine anyone saying it's now cool to listen to it.
While we're on lists and I know you hate them. Here's a few of my most hated songs ever. You hate lists so you'll hate these I hate. It'd be fun to know your most hated.
"Seasons in the sun " Terry Jacks
"Honey" by various people but Dean Martin did a version.
"Grandad" by that guy from Dads Army Clive and some primary school kids.
"Lady in Red" of course (Chris De Bugger)
"The Laughing Gnome" David Bowie (he should have been ashamed of himself)
"The Smurfs"
Now I think about it there must be hundreds I hate, but these few are ones I have just thought of right now.

I'm in my new Semi detached suburban house with all the normal people for neighbours. Funny thing is I can't sleep. It's too quiet. I lay awake listening to the silence and fretting about not being able to hear all those comforting sounds that I'm used to. Like Police Sirens and Fights and Drunks and Custom cars speeding up and down the road, and people rattling on shutters, and smashing of bottles and girls sobbing their little hearts out after too many vodka wickeds at the local nightclub. Foreigners shouting in slovakian or some other eastern european language.
I'll get used to the silence very soon when I'm so tired I have to sleep.

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Monday, August 07, 2006

Broadband for free

I've finally moved out of my squat, into my new house. It's very nice. But that's not really interesting. What is interesting is Rory my new house mate wanted to check his Email. We don't even have a phone line yet. "No problem" says he and proceeds to hit a few keys and a box came up "scanning".
"Here we go, I've got a live one."
"Got what?"
"Someone near here with a wireless connection."
"And?"
"I'll piggy back their wireless connection and get my email."
"You can do that?"
"Of course."
"Will they know."
"No but their computer might start running a bit slow."
So Rory checked his Emails and I got to thinking. Is this a bit of fun or is it something darker? Is it ethical to piggy back someone elses wireless connection?
I know it's nothing new. I've read of people driving around looking for a wireless signal to get connected when they are away from home. But I've never seen it done.
So while it was a lot of fun. It did leave me wondering if it was right. But then for someone who just spent the last six and a half years living scot free in a squat I can't talk.

Rock on dudes

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Thursday, August 03, 2006

Cool to be uncool

So you're all hip cats. (as they used to say in the fifties) You know your music and you're proud of your choices. But come on, can you admit to loving some of those cheesy uncool songs? Well you can now, without losing face or cool points because Q magazine has just published it's top ten uncool songs that it's cool to love.

1. ELO - Livin' Thing
2. Boston - More Than A Feeling
3. S Club 7 - Don't Stop Movin'
4. 10cc - I'm Not In Love
5. Gary Glitter - Rock'n'Roll Part 2
6. Foreigner - Cold As Ice
7. Billy Idol - Rebel Yell
8. Status Quo - Whatever You Want
9. Gerry Rafferty - Baker Street
10. Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive

All I can say is Thank God Chris De Burghs "Lady in Red" isn't on the list

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