Monday, February 28, 2005

Insurance Claim No: 3


There's usually signs on the backs of lorries that say "If you can't see my mirrors I can't see you." But then if you do happen to be driving one of the biggest lorries in the world, who gives a shit? Posted by Hello

iPod now playing - Are 'Friends' Electric by Gary Numan

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Friday, February 25, 2005

Insurance Claim No: 2


Shredded up like a paper chinese lantern. I bet you can guess what happened there. Yep James Bond was there as the propeller got closer and closer. It was certain death until he used his Omega Seamaster watch with built in super electromagnet etc etc Posted by Hello

iPod now playing - Itty Bitty Pretty Thing by Thurston Harris

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Thursday, February 24, 2005

Insurance Claim No: 1


A whole expanse of ocean to play with and he couldn't manage to miss a post sticking out of the water. I think the name of the boat says it all "Temporary Insanity II" I wonder what happened to "Temporary Insanity I"? Posted by Hello

iPod now playing - Diamond Dogs by David Bowie

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Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Zen and the Art of Dating

Father was scanning yellow pages and Mother says "What are you looking for?"
"A new router for the PC."
"You've already got one." She says.
"How can I possibly already have one, I've never needed one before."
"Well I'm sure you've got one already."
"What have I got?"
"I don't know."
"So you don't know what it is I want but you're sure I've already got one."
"Well you've got just about everything else."
Father shakes head in disbelief and starts looking in yellow pages under "residential care homes".

Meanwhile here's a story about how succesful I was as an apprentice Lothario in my youth:

I used to go by bus everyday to school it was six miles from my house to school. I used to see this girl on the bus everyday. Her name was Jane Smith she was cute with short dark hair quite petite. I used to deliver milk to her house on my milk round, and sometimes I'd look up to her bedroom window and she'd be there watching for me. As soon as I looked up she'd disappear behind the curtains. Eventually after months and months of seeing her and seeing her watching me I decided I should ask her out. My heart was pounding and I could hardly breath I stayed on the bus an extra two stops to get off when she did. She got off and started walking I got off and called to her. "Jane."
"Yes?" she turned round looking at me expectantly.... "Yes?" she said again.
"I er... I mean er would you um .... er... like to go out with me Friday."
"I'd love to Michael but I can't." she knew my name, oh joy and she said she wanted to. Oh yes thank you God.
"That's OK how about Saturday then?"
"I'd love to but I can't." she was so apologetic. I knew she was desperate for me.
"OK Sunday" I was getting confident because she seemed so keen "we can do something together on Sunday."
"I can't. " she looked to be almost in tears. She really did want me.
"Well you tell me when then. What day can you make?"
"I can't my family is moving to Scotland tomorrow."
"What?" my whole world fell apart in that instant. Six months of plucking up the courage and the next day she leaving for Scotland. Fuck Fuck Fuck!
"I'm so sorry Michael. You are so sweet." and she placed a hand at the top of each of my arms and put her cheek to mine it wasn't really a kiss it wasn't a hug, but it was something. "I'm so sorry." she said, turned and walked away. I never saw her ever again.

iPod now playing - Lets get together by Hayley Mills

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Saturday, February 19, 2005

falling on my feet

Do I fall on my feet or what? Last night I met yet another musician friend of mine in the street. Richard. He never plays live he just confines himself to his studio making albums. he's an accomplished keyboard player and guitarist. So he's just gone and bought himself an 8 track Fostex for his recording studio.
"I hear you and the gang are making an album?" he says.
"Yes. That's right. " I say "But we're having a bit of trouble multitracking with the equipment we've got."
"Do you want my old 4 track Fostex?"
"Do I ever."
"Well it's yours on a sort of long term loan then. I'll leave it out for you downstairs at my place pick it up whenever you want."
Result.
So courtesy of various friends we now have a Fostex, a mixing desk and loads of stage equipment.
Dels eyes lit up when I told him. "You do realise The Beatles Sergeant Peppers album, was recorded on a four track?"
"Yes Del."
Well this new acquisition has opened up a whole new spectrum of things we can do in my recording studio. DelanDaHat The Sergeant Pepper years. Not only that, I was talking to DJH, Christ wont people allow me to use their names anymore, I'm not allowed to mention his real name, although I can't think what's wrong with being called David. Anyway DJH is another musician who stopped being a musician to become a producer. He's offered to master the tapes, being as he has much more hi tech studio equipment than we have. Also he's produced loads of albums (apparently)
"There's another credit to go on the Album sleeve then David."
"No I don't want a credit. Don't mention my name."
"Why not are you going to be embarrassed to be associated with the album."
"No of course not. It's just I don't need a credit on the sleeve. I'm not like that. but if you must do a credit just write DJH, nothing more. Don't mention my name."
"I want a credit." pipes up Paul my sound engineer.
"You'll get a credit of course Paul you're the sound engineer."
"No I want a credit for playing guitar on High and Dry."
At this rate the credit list on the album sleeve will run to ten pages.
We'd also like to thank Anjim for selling us the beer drunk during recordings, Leslies cat, Alan the postman, Andy for staying out of my way and not talking to me, thanks to Steve for continuing to be plain daft.
Special thanks to the cute girl who waved at me from her car while stopped at the lights, you looked familiar, but still haven't a clue who you are.

Oh yeah I've been instructed by Tony to tell you all about Star Trek.
I'm to tell you to log onto trekunited and pledge loads of money to get Paramount to reverse their decision to axe Star Trek.
You can also have a read of saveenterprise.com to find out more stuff. Currently the site has raised just under $30,000 in four days.
If you are a trek fan then there's loads of interesting stuff to read.
You even get your money back if they don't reverse their decision.
So if you're a fan have look.

iPod now playing - High and Dry by DelanDaHat

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Friday, February 18, 2005

Calling a Cab Peterborough style

I know you're not going to believe this. It's just too fantastic. I must be making it up. Things like that don't really happen in the real world.
last night about 10:45pm I heard a commotion outside my gaff. I went outside to see what was happening. A few Asians were shouting and screaming at someone. I looked closer and they were shouting at this guy who was sitting on the bonnet of a black taxi cab. They were shouting at him to get of the taxi. The Asian taxi driver was waving his arms about shouting "You get off my Taxi, you get off right now."
"Fuck off you paki bastard."
"I am not a paki, I am an Indian please."
"Fucking Paki!"
"Get off my Taxi. I will call the police."
"Call who you like you Paki bastard." I guess the guy was pissed or stoned or something.
So the Taxi driver got in his cab and started the engine.
"Will you get off now please." he said.
"Fuck off." was the reply.
So he puts it in gear and drives off up the road with the guy still sitting on the bonnet. A minute later he comes back down the road with the guy still clinging onto the bonnet of the taxi. He pulls up outside my gaff again stopping real sharpish. The guy on the bonnet flies forward but still manages to cling on although his feet are almost on the pavement. Meanwhile the taxi drivers mates who'd been watching and shouting waded in to pull him off. There was a bit of a scuffle, as stoned guy was pulled bodily from the bonnet.
Then he managed to stand up, brush off his assailents, say"oh fuck the lot of you." and walk off in a zig zag pattern up the road.
I wonder if the Taxi driver had his meter running. "You owe me £2 for ride up and down the road please."

iPod now playing: Road runner by Jonothan Richmond and The Modern Lovers

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Tuesday, February 15, 2005

My hands are tied

Last night whilst watching Arsenal trounce Crystal Palace Del says to me "when you going to write some more."
And there's my problem. 90% of everything interesting I do involves Del, we play together, we rehearse together, we get ratted together. And of course because he has a very sensitive job very high up in the echelons of government, I'm not even allowed to mention his real name never mind the shennanigans we get up to. If the powers that be found out...... well hells fury and damnation would ensue.
Then there's the man who shall not be named. If I write about him I stand to loose my typing fingers. If I mention the blog in his presence I get the "look". That look that says everything. Publish and be damned because you certainly will be when I've finished with you.
Dels says to me "Nah, write what you like, but................."
So what can I tell you?
We're in the middle of recording our new album. DelandDaHat's valentines day CD. OK we're running late for this year. We've a few choice songs on it for example Tenacious D's "Fuck her gently" and Dels favourite "Dear penis". Now I must hasten to add that this is not necessarily what we play live on stage, well not until the audience are well and truly pissed anyway.
We also do Kevin Bloody Wilsons song "An absolute cunt of a day." again right at the end. Our act tends to start off badly, then goes down hill from there.
We have another recording project in the pipeline, that's "Mike Da Hat and friends compilation Album". As you can imagine most of my friends are musicians, and the idea has sort of captured all their imaginations. So the deal is who ever appears on the album chooses a song. Then we all have a go at it and see what happens. For instance my Mates Sandra and Franco are doing Bill Withers "Aint no Sunshine" with Sandra on vocals Franco on bass me on guitar and Dave the Chef or Simon on drums (bongos).
Simon will inevitably choose to do an Elvis number, don't know what as yet. Paul our sound engineer was roped in to play guitar on High and Dry a Radiohead cover sung by Del, I was on 12 string. Anyone wanting to listen to that it's available for down load right now as is Fuck her gently. So drop me a line or post a comment and I'll send it over.
So as you see I can't tell you much without incriminating myself, like I daren't tell you about Del asking me to stop off on the way over for some King sized Rizlas to do miniature brass rubbings with. My hands are tied.

Rock on dudes

iPod now playing - Cool for cats by Squeeze

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Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Man of the Year part Deux


It's another Valentines day picture. I know our Friend Doctor Rob is making the most of it this year with his series of "lectures" on valentines day. This is the antidote for those who need one. The Cadillac of the Balkans. Take you loved one for a ride in style this valentines day. Posted by Hello

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Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Drugs

I've been ill. Didn't tell you before because I didn't need a whole bunch of comments telling me to get well soon. So now I am well again. Mind you while I was ill it was pretty horrendous, sitting on the toilet with a bucket in front of me not knowing which end it was going to come out of first. Or second or simultaneously. I'm sure you didn't want to know that. But if I've had to suffer that last 48 hours then Sod it! so can you. Anyway normal service is resumed.

I had drug dealers set up in my car park out side the shop over the weekend. They had the inevitable black BMW. I opened the back door of the shop and went to have words. They feigned non comprendi and waved their arms around like demented puppets, then one of them said "We wait for friend"
"Well he's going to find you really easily tucked into the corner of my car park."
"We leave. One minute."
I went back in and watched from an upstairs window. The "Freind" turned up. He handed over a few notes and they handed over a small packet. He stucks his hands in his pocket and wandered off down the road. They started the car and drove off.

Saturday night we went to the pub. At one stage Del and I were sitting in the beer garden. Yes crazy idea in the middle of winter, and the reasons too complex to go into. But we had a view of the frosted toilet windows. Through the frosted window we could make out people coming and going. In the space of ten minutes we witness one person rolling a few joints and another snorting a line off the top of the toilet cystern.
Now were's the WD40 when you need it?
If you didn't already know it WD40 is used as a drug deterrent in pubs now. They spray it on the flat surfaces and when you put down you coke and shuffle it about to make your line the WD40 reacts with it and turns the cocaine into a useless goo. That would really piss off the druggies big time. I don't know how much a line of coke costs. People tell me it's cheaper now than it's ever been. I don't know I've never taken the stuff and don't intend to. My drug of choice has always been beer.

iPod now playing - Mercedes Benz by Janis Joplin

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Friday, February 04, 2005

Fuck Off! Greg.

I took my boy Jamie to visit his Grandparents tonight. When we arrived we had all the "My but you have grown." stuff. Followed by "How are you doing at school?" and "What are you going to be when you grow up?"
Well Jamie is going to be an "animator" or cartoonist. He's very talented in that direction. He designs and builds his own 3D computer games. he's now asking me if he can use my recording studio to record the vocal acting for his next game.
So then Father says to me "There's a few dinner suits on the bed upstairs, I want you to try them on for size."
"Why?"
"Because you're coming to a big masonic function next month. Full dinner suit is obligatory."
"What?"
Jamie says "I've never seen my Dad in a suit." and he's giggling like a school boy. Which is what he is in fact.
I'm whining like a child. "Awww do I have to? I'm a musician that's not going to do my image any good at all."
"You'll do as yuh Fatha sez an no mistake." Says Mother.
So I get up and make a big scene of shuffling to the door to go upstairs.
By now Jamie is nearly wetting himself laughing at the thought of me not just in a suit but in a DJ. I am not happy at all. Why can't I wear my jeans and sneakers to the big dinner? They'll be clean.
"Here you are Jamie. This is your Dad two years ago in a suit." The last time they forced me to wear this stuff. "Doesn't he look splendid."
"I look like Ron and Ron of 'da management' " I say glancing at the photo.
"Is that really you Dad?" asks Jamie.
"Yes I know it's not rock and roll but I'm afraid it is. I'm sorry your Grandparents have seen fit to expose you these horrors so young."
"Did you take your guitar?"
"er.... NO!"
"Don't listen to your Dad. He looked very nice. Now go and try on the suit."
"I don't need to if it's the same suit as last time it'll fit I haven't put on any weight."
"Try it on."
I went upstairs, stepped into the suit trousers, they were two inches too tight round the waist. Shit. Shit Shit. I'm getting fat. I tried another pair. They were ten inches too big. I put on the jacket it was OK. I went down stairs.
"Does it fit you?" asks Fatha.
"where it touches." I replied.
"Well then mutha take the lad down tuh Greenwoods an get 'im fitted out proper like. NO son of mine is going to let me down."
Mother says "They're very nice down there at Greenwoods."
"Oh God!" I have visions of the floor manager saying "Mr Humphries are you free?" I'm not even in the fucking Masons. I've been asked to join many times. But it's hardly rock and roll. I can't be doing with all that pomp and ceremony. I can't take them seriously. Come on, try and imagine me, Mike Da Hat, rock star, wearing white kid gloves and a pinny. I don't think so. Fatha is very high up in the lodge, past Worshipful master. Whatever that means. I guess amongst his peers he's important. But who gives a shit? I'm important to my friends (I hope) but we don't invent faux grandious names for ourselves. I'm just Mike and Del is Del. It's simple, it's honest.

So after a game of pool at the Cavendish I took Jamie home and went to my pub. Gay Gregory was there trying his luck with one of the Quinn brothers. He sees me and immediatley says "Fuck you Quinny here's a real man, a musician, not a fucking pen pusher."
"Hello Greg." I say.
"Hello lover."
"Greg you are the funniest poof I know, but forget it."
"I can only try. You may give in to me one day."
"Not in this life time Greg."
"Don't deny yourself." Greg talks with a Liverpool accent. "you know you want me. And you know you want it rough. I wont hold back I'll give it to you so you'll never forget. I promise."
"Fuck off! Greg." this seems to be the most common phrase I say to him nowadays. But he just laughs and says "I can wait. You're worth it."
Meanwhile Quinny has gone to get some sausages and chips. Greg sees the sausages and wants one.
"Get yer own." says Quinny.
"No I want yours Quinny. I want your sausage in my mouth."
"Fuck off! Greg."
Greg makes a grab and takes a sausage from Quinnys plate. In less than a second it's down his trousers and he's comparing it to his own.
It fair puts you off your ale. He has no shame what so ever.
"Do you want my sausage Quinny?"
At this point I think there might be fists flying. But it stays calm.
Quinny just says "Eat the sausage, don't ride it."
"Anything you say lover boy." and he makes a big show of fellating the sausage.
By now I've had enough so I say to the guys I'm going.
"Be back soon." says Gay Greg. "I'll be waiting."
My final words were "Fuck off! Greg."

iPod now playing - The Question by The Moody Blues

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Thursday, February 03, 2005

Man of the Year


Now here's a guy who thinks he's got his priorities right. Valentines day looming fast and all the horrors and pitfalls that entails. I don't suppose she'll be expecting much this year. Posted by Hello

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Wednesday, February 02, 2005


The latest in car ascessories. Your own trailing ground to ground guided missiles to chase you up the motorway. That would make the other drivers give you room.  Posted by Hello

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Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Car tax is taxing

So it's the first of the month and my car tax has run out. So it's a trip to the post office across town to get a new tax disc. Not all post offices can do car tax. There's only two I know of in the whole of Peterborough and this is a city. Inevitably there's a queue round the post office and out the door. Then typically there's an old man at the front of the queue he wants car tax but also to send a parcel to fucking Australia and sort out his pension, check on various allowances, buy some electricity card and some gas cards, enquire about his premium bonds and finally hand over seven hundred quids worth of loose change from his old magnum savings bottle by the side of his armchair. There was tut tutting and foot tapping, harrumphing and the like. he paid no never mind.
The next customer was a lady who enquired "how much is the car tax for six months and how much for a year?"
A voice behind me muttered "It's on the fucking form you dozy cow."
While she looked in her purse. God knows why. She was counting the coins in there....... "no sorry I can't do £165 in loose change. Can I pay in installements?"
More harrumphing and tutting and getting pissed off amongst the waiting masses. Hearing this the lady gets edgy and starts panicking, she's not sure what to do now, she hadn't planned to have a million people standing behind her waiting for her to get on with it, she's flustered.For a second I thought she was going to burst into tears and make a dash for the door.
A shrill efficient voice calls out "Is there anyone queueing who doesn't want car tax?"
Someone answers "I don't."
"Well if you'd like to step over to the counter I can serve you quicker."
"You do car tax then?"
"No, but you said you don't want car tax."
"I don't WANT car tax but I've got to get it."
Oh how we laughed what a wag. He should be on stage.
Finally after 40 minutes I get to the front of the queue and then find out why it's taking so long.
"The post office is now doing car insurance would you like a leaflet or to participate?"
"No."
"We can also provide these lovely tax holders which come in a lovely....."
"No."
"Should you require personal life insurance..............."
"NO!"
"Or advice with pensions................."
"Are you for real? I just want a tax disc."

iPod now playing - Cold England by Angry Man

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Someone with a sense of humour designed this trophy.  Posted by Hello

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