Friday, September 29, 2006

My daughter

So I'm chilling at Unity waiting for things to kick off and batting the breeze with one of the guys. He says to me "That Abi she's really something."
"Yes" I say.
"God she's georgeous."
"I know."
"What I wouldn't give to give her one."
"Really?"
"God yeah. The things I couldn't do with her. I'd take her ....." This is where it gets a little or a lot X rated.
So I sit back in my chair take a long pull on my bottle of Tyske and say calmly "You do realise that's my daughter you're talking about?"
"Whoa! Shit!" He almost went backwards through the wall. Back peddling for all he's worth saying "Well what I really meant was." and "She's a lovely girl I bet you're proud."
Little things amuse me sometimes. Posted by Picasa

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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

More blagging

I am greatly indebted to Wagemonkey for pointing out that the old fallacy about ulcers is in fact a fallacy. In fact I've since spoken to various people who all confirm the same thing with anecdotes of having suffered for 15 years eating milk puddings and being real careful only to be cured in less than ten days with a dose of 'botics. I am also indebted to Mick in the UK for pointing out the harm drinking JD and coke can do. And that's nothing to do with the alcohol content.
So I live near the speedway track. Very near. You can hear the commentary over the speakers from our sitting room. I blagged my way in and took a few shots. Got bored and came home. I'm glad I didn't have to pay. Posted by Picasa

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Tuesday, September 26, 2006

It's a LifeStyle Thing

You know there aint nothing more miserable, well maybe there is, but this is pretty miserable, than having a stomach ulcer. Yep I got me a stomach ulcer. It's all this high living and sleepless nights. My rock and roll life style. So from now on I'm gonna be a total bore only eating milk puddings and refusing the copious amounts of Jack Daniels that people throw at me. I'm gonna go to bed early with a mug of Horlicks instead of slumping into a coma clutching a half empty bottle of JD in the small hours. Excitement is going to be a thing of the past. The most stressful thing I'm gonna do is walk to the paper shop to get my copy of Seed Collectors weekly. No more raging hot curries. No more Chillies especially those with names like "inferno" or "little volcano". So that's my life from now on. I wonder how long this will last before I go back to my old ways. You can place your bets in the comments below.

Meanwhile this is Wayne from the band "Victim". Top guy. I'm gonna book him and his band for a local pub soon. Monkey hat an all.

Rock on dudes Posted by Picasa

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Saturday, September 23, 2006

Weapons of Mass Distraction

Here on the front line we are amassing our weapons of Mass Distraction. In our peaceful quest to make the world a safer place we are building a formidable arsenal of weapons. It's a musical Jihad. Give those Al Quaida chappies some rock and roll. Stick their heads in the bass bins and get them to scream "Yeah". This is what we want. I've no time for terrorism or religion. I'm not impressed with suicide bombers even if they get to shag 70 virgins when they get to heaven, they aren't heros they're mad.
So your challenge of the day is to see if you can name all these weapons, most are obvious, but there's a tricky one thrown into the mix. In accordance with latest weapons regulations all of these are lead free, environmentally friendly and hand made from sustainable resources. Although they can make your fingers bleed through over use.
Come on Usama if you think you're hard enough choose a weapon.

Rock on dudes

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Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Double standards

You know what really pisses me off right now. This mularky about the Pope and what he did or didn't say as an insult to Islam. So they're all up in arms and even considering giving him the death sentence. So he's back tracking and apologising and everyone has to be real careful like they're treading on egg shells just in case we might upset the muslims with a joke or something. Meanwhile in a protest rally in London they're holding up placards saying stuff like "Jesus is a slave to Allah". Now how insulting is that to a Christian? Not that I'm a Christian, I'm not I avoid religion like the plague. But it seems to me double standards that we can't insult their religion but they can sure as hell insult Christianity.
These Muslim dudes need to get a shot of humour in their lives.
And while I'm at it what's all this crap about environmentally friendly munitions. Like grenades that explode but don't give off harmful smoke. Or lead free bullets, because lead is harmful. The world has gone mad.
So back to stuff I really like. This is Rachel Myles of the band "Stranger". They're a covers band but absolutely brilliant. This is what we need, more music less war.
Rock on dudes

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Sunday, September 17, 2006

Motor Bike rally

So I blagued my way into a 2 day motor bike rally saving myself £25. Saw a few bands and a lot of people having a lot of fun. This girl was almost right next to me. It had to be done. Have camera will shoot. I decided against photographing the guy who stripped off down to his leopard skin g string. 
Rock on dudes Posted by Picasa

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Thursday, September 14, 2006

Call girl

It seems that in quiet sleepy middle England, we have a high class call girl living next door to us. She's very stunning in a tall leggy blond haired sort of way. She drives a smart convertible. She never goes to work. Her fence is very high and you can't see into her garden even if you lean out really far with a mirror on the end of a stick.
After a few weeks we've begun to see a pattern. She has three early evening customers. I can't vouch for others during the day as I'm at work. But we have Mr Jaguar, Mr Porsche and Mr Chevrolet 4 wheel drive. They all turn up on different days and stay for a couple of hours then leave, once maybe twice a week.
Rory wanted to knock on her door and ask her "how much?" I suggested that maybe bartering would be better. He could fit her up with a new satellite system and she would fit him up by return.
"So what can you offer her?" he asked me.
"Oh I can give her a packet of bags for her vacuum cleaner."

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Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Martian Sky

You could be forgiven for thinking this was taken on another planet. An alien sky. I went to get a bottle of JD from a local store. The plastic cover on the neck was scuffed.
"I'm not having that. It's been opened already." I joked.
"No no no. It's good. Brand new unopened."
"So why is the top all scuffed up?"
The shop keeper looks around the shop toward the door and behind him and leans forward conspiratorially, "When they get the JD from Tescos they have to get the tag off. That's what scuffs the tops."
"But they have a magnetic thing to get the security tags off neatly."
"Not if you're stealing it
I couldn't believe he was confessing to selling stolen booze.

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Monday, September 11, 2006

Dragonflyby

Taking a picture of a dragonfly on the wing is a challenge. This is one of my better efforts. This was taken using the long lens 70-300mm at 300mm. The little buggers don't stay still long enough and dart around making getting a bead on them nigh impossible. I guess this was a lucky shot. Well I aint gonna earn a living taking pics of dragonflies, so I accepted a commission to do a photo shoot of some opera singers. Yeah yeah I know, you're all jealous of my rock'n'roll lifestyle. They can be very temperamental these opera singers. Prima Donnas. Well this is what can happen when someone tries to get in on someone elses shot. It's savage.

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Friday, September 08, 2006

Eclipse

I don't know if any of you realised, but last night there was a partial eclipse of the moon so here's a pic in case you missed it.  Posted by Picasa

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Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Everyones a fruit and nut case

So I was woken this morning by the sound of chink thud thud thud, chink thud thud thud. I blinked looked about my room, listened carefully, there it was again Chink thud thud thud. I got out of bed and looked out the window, the guy in the next house was throwing his house keys onto the back lawn then running to pick them up like some demented Jack Russell throwing it's own stick. I watched for a while, then curiousity got the better,
"Whatcha doin?"
"There's a fucking great spider on a web here and I'm trying to get rid of it. I nearly walked straight into it."
"oh!" I went back to bed figuring that another ten minutes listening to the breakfast show on my radio would see me right. The world is full of nutters best stay in bed as long as possible.

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Saturday, September 02, 2006

Visitors

We have visitors. Go on say the word out loud. VISITORS. say it again, then again. It loses it's meaning after a while and becomes a stupid word Vizzy torrrs Vizzy tuhs. So in our 2 bed semi-detached compact and bijou house we have vizzytorrs. There's 7 of us. If the council find out we'll be hounded out of the city for overcrowding. We've only just moved in so we are not equipped for such large numbers. For instance we've only got four knives four forks and four spoons and three coffee mugs, four plates and four plastic picnic plates. We solved the problem last night by having a barbecue, issueing everyone with half a roll of kitchen paper each.
The other thing about visitors is they are on holiday and I'm not. I have to work and they are quite content to sit (on folding camping chairs) and chat until stupid o'clock safe and secure in the knowledge they can lie in until safe o'clock.
In the meanst time muggins here has to get up at some ungodly hour and still make it to work while the Vizzies slumber peacefully. Now don't get me wrong I love our present vizzies, they're great fun especially when their children leave open jam sandwiches upside down on my sofa, or empty our cupboards, tip huge economy packs of rice all over the kitchen floor or decide it's fun to fill all those little holes that make up the speaker of our TV with peanut butter. The parents (our best friends) laugh and say quaint things like "he does that at home too." and "We don't believe in punishment" and "It's his way of expressing himself."
Well my way of expressing myself is to clout the little bleeder round the head with a rolled up newspaper. Are these the same people who many years ago would have decked anyone who even vaguely annoyed them? Now they have children who are infititely more annoying but that doesn't matter because they are now new age parents who give their children room to express themselves and be complete little bastards.
They go home today. Hopefully they'll be gone by the time I get home from work.
That is unless they've been persuaded to stay with the promise that yes we'll watch the England Andorra match on TV.
Oh well the PR company I do work for has just emailed me with a photo job. I've got to take some publicity photos at a pub. Fabulous. I get the best jobs I wonder how long I can stretch the job out for before I have to go home. It could be an all nighter with a taxi home afterwards.

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