Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Walking the Line

So I'm propping up the bar totally deflated that the poxy Trivial pursuit machine has fleeced us of another £2 by asking goddamned stupid questions that no one can possibly know the answer to. The barman walks up "Cheer up." he says "We're cleaning the lines tonight."
"Whoopeee!"
Now to clean the lines they got to draw off, because of the distance from the tap to the barrel, on average of three pints a tap. There's seven taps in the public bar and another five in the saloon that all need cleaning.
Last customers are shown the door leaving the hardcore regulars, blinds are pulled lights turned down low and the barman proceeds to start pulling the pints / I mean wastage. I don't think anyone has shown so much interest in the pulling of a pint ever before. Except this pint is free, we look at each other like some magnificent seven showdown who's going to be first to grab the free pint, before we can decide and before knives are drawn there's another pint on the bar then another before we know it theres twenty one pints on the bar of all types of beer and they're still coming and there's only five of us.
We drank, we quaffed we could have bathed in the stuff, it was all free,wonderful. The stories told at the bar became longer, links more tenuous, jokes for some unknown reason hilarious. But even when the beer is free certain factors come into play.
1. I can only physically drink so much.
2. I'm already pissed
3. I've got to work tomorrow
4. there was a fourth point it was ever so relevant last night.

We get a taxi home, "You coming in for a night cap?" my mate asks "Usual rum and coke to see you to bed."
"Am I eckerslike." it's my northern upbringing that comes out when I'm drunk.

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Monday, February 26, 2007

Too Old

So I'm getting old. I go for a walk in the local park, check out the flora situation, Coltsfoot are out now, but there's too many people. Too many screaming kids. Too many kids on bikes tear arsing about. I like my peace and quiet. I like solitude after a day dealing with the public. It occurred to me that it was not to many lifetimes ago that I was one of those parents with screaming kids. Tolerating the tears and the tanturms with not so much as a bat of the eye. and now? No thanks been there done that bought the T-shirt. This pic, just to give you some encouragement, was taken with a Fuji Finepix S5500, not a great camera just a run of the mill 4mp point and shoot. But it goes to show that this difficult of all shots a white flower can be captured and still maintain some texture of the white petals without resorting to incredibly expensive cameras. Rock on dudes. Posted by Picasa

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Thursday, February 22, 2007

Customers tish!

FRIENDS. I have been lax of late on this blog. I apologise, I've been busy working for the BBC doing THIS
I've also been terribly busy doing THIS a lot of time I've spent fielding emailings and enquiries and from HERE so I haven't had time to devote to you.

My engineer at work has been complaining of not feeling well. He's been feeling rough so he's not worked as hard or a quick as he usually does so there's a back log of work to do. This morning he came to work complained he just couldn't manage anything and went home. This afternoon I get a call, he's been rushed into hospital and is on morphine. Shit! That's a bit sudden. They're not sure what's wrong with him yet.

I get a call from a customer a lovely lady called Angie. She wanted to know if her machine was repaired. No. Why not? because my engineer is currently lieing in a hospital bed with a morphine drip in his arm that's why.
"So why didn't you have the courtesy to inform me of this and let me know my machine couldn't be fixed."
Have you ever had to bite your lip so you don't let of a tirade of abuse down the phone to some unfeeling selfish bitch? I bit my lip put on a smile so it showed in my phone voice.
"Well actually it's a bit hectic here with only me at work and everyone else off sick, what with flu and now this." there was a continuous tone in my ear she'd hung up on me.

ten minutes ago she walked into my shop. Aked for her machine. With a smile and a skip in my step I fetched it and handed it over. She said nothing just snatched it from my hand and marched to the door. With the door open she turned. "I suppose there's no point reminding you because you already know your service is shit."
"Thank you." I cooed "Love you missing you already." and she was gone.
Well if my standard of service is shit her standards of being a good customer are worse. But that's OK isn't it? I mean she'll black list our establishment and tell all her friends how shit we are. But what if I went round all the other shops. You don't want her in your shop she's not a good customer, nothing but trouble. I don't think people would like that would they?

Customers eh?

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Monday, February 12, 2007

Because I'm worth it.

Shhhh! Don't say a word. But I've been experimenting. I'd been listening to some old twaddle on RADIO 4 when they were banging on about alternative lifestyles etc. Then in amongst all the chat some dude was saying he never washed his hair, qualifying that rather quickly with never washing his hair with shampoo or any other detergent or chemical.

Ha ha what would happen if I try it. It'll save me some dosh on shampoo straight away if nothing else. So I stopped washing my hair with shampoo just vigourous rubbing in clean water under the shower.

After four days my hair is soft and silky and quite nice really.
After one week my hair got a bit greasy and stuck up in all sorts of directions.
10 days it's back to being soft and silky.

That was five weeks ago. I still haven't washed my hair with anything other than clean warm water. Simon came to see me stopped dead in his tracks looked at me carefully and said "Have you been having hair implants or summat?"
"No why?"
"You've got more hair, it's not so thin."

Now I'm sure I haven't found a cure for baldness, but what I think might be happening is my hair isn't falling out as fast as before therefore staying attached to my head longer before it falls out in the natural cycle of things.

So up yours l'Oreale you can stick your shampoo I shant be buying it. Why? Because I'm worth more.

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Thursday, February 01, 2007

Scams

Here's the latest scam letter I've recieved. This one is interesting because it doesn't mention Nigeria. Oh oh we've moved to Russia.

DEAR FRIEND,


MY NAME IS MRS. LARISA SOSNITSKAYA, PERSONAL SECRETARY TO MR. BORIS MIKHAIL KHODORKOVSKY,THE ARRESTED CHAIRMAN/CEO OF YUKOS OIL AND BANK MENATEP SPB IN RUSSIA WHO IS PRESENTLY IN JAIL. I HAVE THE DOCUMENTS OF A LARGE AMOUNT OF FUNDS WHICH HE HANDED OVER TO ME BEFORE HE WAS DETAINED AND TRIED IN RUSSIA ON CHARGES OF TAX EVASION AND FOR FINANCING POLITICAL PARTIES (THE UNION OF RIGHT FORCES, LED BY BORIS
NEMTSOV AND YABLOKO, A LIBERAL/SOCIAL DEMOCRATIC PARTY LED BY GREGOR YAVLINSKY) OPPOSED TO THE GOVERNMENT OF MR.VLADMIR PUTIN,THE PRESIDENT THEREBY LEADING TO THE FREEZING OF HIS FINANCES AND ASSETS.


AFTER SEARCHING THROUGH THE BOOKS OF YOUR COUNTRY'S CHAMBERS OF COMMERCE AND INDUSTRIES HERE IN RUSSIA I AM CONTACTING YOU TO ASSIST ME TO RE-PROFILE THE FUNDS AND EQUALLY INVEST SAME ON HIS BEHALF. THE TOTAL AMOUNT OF FUNDS TO BE RE-PROFILLED IS FORTY SIX MILLION DOLLARS (USD$46,000,000.00) AND YOU WILL BE PAID 20% FOR YOUR MANAGEMENT SERVICES.


AS SOON AS I RECEIVE YOUR ACCEPTANCE IN MY PERSONAL EMAIL ADDRESS THUS:
laskaya-2007@excite.com I WILL SEND YOU THE NECESSARY DETAILS AND MY IDENTIFICATION.


YOURS SINCERELY,


MRS. LARISA SOSNITSKAYA.

PS My comrades and I look forward to emptying your glorious bank account and making you look the complete twat for you believing things what we say. You are deserving everything you get you dumb fcuk.

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