Thursday, September 29, 2005

I'm still here

So Del and I were in a pub tonight and I pointed out a brass plate hanging on the wall that proclaimed "In 1832 on this spot nothing happened". Del went into a two hour lecture on how that was not exactly true, detailing historical facts and figures. It was very interesting, especially as I had to drop history at school if I was going to be the emminent scientist I had planned to become.
Oh I had plans. I was going to do Chemistry Physics and Biology at A level and go on to university and do a degree in Biology. Which I did. But then it all went horribly wrong.
Whilst I had a fascination for science, I wasn't actually very good at it. I found that my real interest was in the arts.
I got a job with the government as a science officer. I was a professional bird watcher. The pay was crap. So I became a Landscape gardener. I found I hated working for a living. If only I could have an independant income then I could be a wastrel, I could dip in and out of things that interested me.
I became a journalist for a while. I love to write. But the editor would inevitably rip apart all my stories that I had sweated blood over and rewrite them. The final straw was when someone started screaming at me for writing lies about them. It wasn't me. It was the editor who had rewritten my story and gave it some pazzaz at the expense of the subject. I caught the flack. Disillusioned I gave up journalism.
At a loss for anything better to do and finding it soul destroying working in a bakery doing 12 or 14 hour shifts. I came to work in the family business. That was twenty five years ago and I'm still here. As a business we've been going bankrupt for the last twenty five years as well. I paid for my ex wifes house on the back of this business.
I've been blogging for 20 years although 20 years ago I didn't know I was blogging. It started out with all my friends leaving the country and wanting to know what was happening in this country while they were away. So I wrote three times a week a letter on my Ferranti PC, twin floppy disc drives and actually posted the letters around the world.
Then came the internet and I started emailing the letters to whoever wanted them. That went on for years until 2004 I found blogging for real. I don't know whether my original friends still read this stuff, Gary, Eke, Robin, Kit, John, Clifford, Oliver, Sue, Penny, Elizabeth. But they never comment now.
I don't know why? Perhaps it's because it's no longer personal. I write and potentially the whole world can read. Whereas before I wrote specifically for them. Perhaps they think in a world of so many billion people they don't need to comment because there's always someone who will do it for them, to take away their guilt for receiving without giving. IT's not their responsibility anymore because I've opened it out to the public.
There's been times, many times in the last 20 years when I've wondered why the hell I bother? Because it's sometimes months before anyone responded to my writing. Once I just stopped writing for six months. I got withdrawel and then the letters started coming in "Why have you stopped?"
"Because you sad fucks didn't respond to anything at all. That's why."
"BUt we were still reading. We love your letters everyweek."
"So why don't you reply?"
"I don't know. I'm always too busy."
"So how do I know there's any point carrying on if you don't reply?"
" er.... I don't know. You just write like you always do."
So I shrug my shoulders and carry on. But fellow bloggers.
THAT'S YOU! YES YOU.
I think you'll agree that a little feedback helps.

Today I spoke to a friend of mine that I hadn't seen in a while and I started telling him what was happening in my life.
He said "Oh I know all that. I read it on your blog."
"So why didn't you comment?"
"OhI don't like to, I never know what to say."
For chrissakes! You can't win.

So for all you sad fucks out there who profess to be my friends. here's what you can say. It's really easy.
"I'm still here." you don't need to make a witty or pithy comment, you don't have to stare at the ceiling for hours to think of a smart arse one liner. I don't expect that. I accept that some people don't like writing or believe they can't write. So in the abscence of anything witty Just tell me "I'm still here".
I'll do the wracking of the brains to think of something new to write each time. You just sit back and relax.

Good morning Del.

Rock on dudes.

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