Sunday, September 25, 2005

Notice To Quit

OK I guess I'd better come clean with you. I'm not a high flying, rich executive. I'm not a world famous musician. In fact it's a lot worse than that. I have been found out. The guy who owns my squalid little flat has just discovered, that I've been living there, rent free for the last five years. Yes I've been squatting. I've said it now. Hate me. I have been given notice to quit. Move out. Leave my compact and bijou pied de terre, where the drunks regularly urinate against my back door and find somewhere else to live. Oh yes I have options. I pay the exhorbitant rent that has been asked for and stay. Another option would be to move out temporarily, then move straight back in again when he's not looking. That idea appeals to the devilish side of me. Another option is to use my silver tongue to blague my way out of the situation, put myself forward as an unpaid caretaker of his property in exchange for the use of one room (which is all I have).
Another option is to move back in with my parents, which quite frankly would be a fate worse than death. As much as I love them dearly, I value my independance very highly.
But am I down hearted? No
Have I slipped into depression? No
Why? Because I'm Mike Da Hat.
Actually I never thought of myself as a squatter until today. I was just utilising a property that otherwise would be empty. So now I'm a little bit dangerous. I'm a little left field. I am not part of regular society. I am a non person. I have been a non person since I left my wife and the CSA threatened to take me for every penny I had. I came to an amicable agreement with the ex. Told the authorities I was leaving the country and disappeared of the face of the earth. I've been on the run ever since.

Today I found myself in church. St Kyneburgers just outside Peterborough. I took this photo of the door, it's from the 14th Century. It's four inches thick. How many people have touched this door? Gone through it? It makes you think....... I must have walked miles today, just enjoying the countryside.

The other day I saw a guy with a camera across the street from where I work. He had a long lens and he was surrepticiously looking round the corner into the cemetary and taking sneaky shots. Then he suddenly ran to his car, parked on double yellows, and sped off down the road. Moments later this woman walked out of the cemetary carrying a pair of crutches under her arm. She had no problem walking at all. I guess in a few days time she'll discover that her claims for damages has been rejected and a summons for fraud issued. Oh yes!

I won the lottery yesterday. £10. Whoopee! I wont the lottery last week as well £68. You see life isn't that bad. Reasons to be cheerful. Andre told me to "Shut the fuck up" apparently I have no business being happy, and under the circumstances perhaps he's right. I could be homeless in 21 days, which is how long I've been given to get out. I could be picking up dog ends in the street and selling "Big Issue". I could be sleeping in a custom made cardboard box. I could register as an alcoholic and get extra money from the DHSS but then I'd be obliged to shout random insults at passers by. Or I could shrug my shoulders, say "C'est la vie" and just get on with it. Which I think is exactly what I'm gonna do.
God! I'm so confident. I was talking to a friend today, she said "What's it like to be right all the time?" You see we'd been walking and she wasn't sure which way to go. I said "Trust me I know."
"But you've never been here before."
"It doesn't matter. I just know...."
"But how can you know? How come you never get lost?"
"I know where I am at all times."
"But you are so sure of yourself."
"So the question you should have asked is 'What's it like to be so confident?'"
"So how does it feel to be confident all the time?"
"Brilliant. There is nothing I can't cope with. Life is a breeze. It's a walk in the park. I just glide along while others struggle with their petty problems. Where they see problems, I see a challenge. When they see despair and hopelessness I see opportunity. It's great."

You see I am not scared. I may end up having to change my lifestyle, have a change of scenery, things will be different. But that's good isn't it? You can't stay in one place too long anyway. Keeping stuff the same is boring. We need a challenge. I can rise to that challenge. After all I am the one, the only, Mike Da Hat.

Rock on dudes

iPod now playing - Bring me Sunshine by Morecambe & Wise


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