Friday, October 14, 2005

Getting old

OK I've got to 'fess up. I'm not as young as I used to be. I'm not as young as I try and convince myself I am. I can't be doing with sleeping on the floor anymore a la Steven Segal. Not even with my camping bed roll. My bones ache and I don't sleep well. It's not pleasant. Yeah Yeah yeah I used to wake up on countless floors after parties when I was a student. I even slept on concrete during my grand tour of Europe. I slept in luggage wagons and corridors of trains, I've slept on the beach. But I was young then. It's a sad fact of life that old age doesn't do you any favours. You begin to appreciate the comforts of life. Not only that my sex life is taking a dive because my shag buddies refuse to sleep on a hard floor with me. I don't blame them.
You may have noticed I've had offers of a bed during this difficult time, but I fear that screams of "Yes! yes! YES! oh Mikel Yes!" wont go down well in the household. I've also had offers of other arrangements which I will not go into for fear of destroying my street cred.
But one of my more practical sympathisers has come up with a folding bed for me that packs away to the size of a suitcase and can easily be hidden. What's more it's comfy. So job done. Except it's a single so unless we play double deckers, it aint gonna work and I'm still gonna be having sleepless nights.
So the conclusion of this is if anyone is after a shag with an aging rock star / photographer you'd better invite me round your gaff. Oh and get plenty of Jack and Coke in. We'll make a night of it.
I'll be in Lincoln this Sunday on the next part of my world tour and will be available for interviews and autographs.
Oh I can still here my ex's voice ringing in my ears....
"Mikel, grow up for chrissakes."
I have children more grown up than I am. Perhaps I should stop drinking that probiotic inner health drink and put away my roller skates and face up to facts; I'm old.
The thing is I don't feel old in my head. I'm still full of enthusiasm and excitement and I want to do stuff all the time. The only problem is my body doesn't agree with me.
Here's a test for you. Remember how you used to jump out of trees and off walls. Well try this, climb on a chair and jump off that. A young person will just bounce lightly onto the ground. An older person will hit the ground stunned because his/her knees didn't bend quite as easily as they did.
Your next test for being old is the skin pinch. Pinch a fold of skin on the back of your hand and let go. If it snaps back into place you're young. If it slowly goes back into place you're showing signs. If it stays in a fold after you let go order your coffin now.
Other signs that you may need to be thinking of a visit to the co-op funeral directors is if you smell of piss, have white stuff at the corner of your mouth, smell of TCP, (or lavender) forgot where you parked the car, and still think if you give the grandchildren 50p it's going to get them all Ice creams.
There's probably more signs and I'm sure you'll have a few suggestions of what to look out for....


Get out yer zimmer frames and Rock on Dudes.


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