Thursday, January 27, 2005

Tantric Sex

Have you ever heard of Tantric sex (as recommended by Sting of the Police AKA Gordon Sumner)? supposedly that's where you have sex for 8 hours straight. Amazing except you don't get to touch each other. God I must be having great sex life according to Sting. So if I'm feeling so fulfilled why am I still desperate to shag someone?
I've just realised that I used to have loads of tantric sex with my ex. We never touched each other. I would be slobbing out in my arm chair and she'd be curled up on the settee. We'd be watching TV. Best sex I ever had. Without touching. The only sex I ever had at the time as it happens. There's a lot to be said for Tantric sex.
In the divorce court you claim “I was denied sex m'lud.”
“That's not true I gave him all the Tantric sex he could handle.”
“Is this true?”
“Well yes we spent hours sitting close together and I wasn't allowed to touch her.”
“But you were thinking of it?”
“Helloooo . I was desperate. Of course I was thinking about it. 286 times a day.”
“So you did have Tantric sex Mr Da Hat. You weren't denied it.”
“No I wasn't denied Tantric sex. I could think about it all I wanted.”
“The court finds in favour of Mrs Da Hat in that she didn't deny Mr Da Hat Tantric sex. Case dismissed.”
I suppose someone somewhere is going to put me right and say “Hang on you do get to touch in Tantric sex.” I Know that. I was just exaggerating for comic purposes.
Yes during this 8 hour marathon of sex and debauchery you only actually get to touch your partner for a total of three milliseconds. In those three milliseconds you achieve nirvana. Which hardly surprising after being teased for eight hours. It wouldn’t take much after that. You’d be like a coiled spring with a hair trigger. Except you’d end up saying “Oops sorry I couldn’t help it.”

iPod now playing - Dry your eyes by The Streets

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