Friday, January 28, 2005

Time Dilation Theory

Today is dragging it's feet. I've had to pull what was left of the morning kicking and screaming into the afternoon. Now the afternoon is on a go slow. Usually by now it would be late afternoon and I'd be looking over the shoulder of five o'clock, But time is on a work to rule. No skipping any minutes, each second has to be verified ratified and notified to the appropriate department of time and space at the Einstein institute.
On a normal day every so often I'd be really reckless and jump forward in time by sometimes up to 30 minutes. Thus making my working day shorter. But today time is being watched carefully, each second of the day has to be fully experienced. It's boring. Once you've had one second it's much the same as the next. So skipping forward makes a lot of sense and life that much more interesting. It's now four o'clock and it feels like I've been at work for the equivalent of three days straight.
The worst thing is I'll get to the pub tonight and what should be a really good three hour bashing at the falling down water and listening to music will suddenly condense into a mere three seconds. I think this goes to prove Einsteins theory of relativity, or his time dilation theory.
I am currently constructing a working model in my spare time in between customers today. I've put in all the parameters and variables and am now waiting for my mega computer to crunch the numbers, thus proving beyond all shadow of a doubt that lack of alcohol, makes the day longer.
You'll be finding my published thesis on the subject in next months copy of "Science Now". My nobel prize is just around the corner.
My next project for tonight, if it ever arrives, is to be a human guinea pig to support the recently published theory that you can sit in a pub drinking for hours without going to the loo. However as soon as you go for the first time you're up and down like a yo yo for the rest of the night. Apparently this is not just caused by excess fluid intake. It's caused by the release of a neurotransmitter in the bladder area causing the brain to require the release of urine in the form of micturation at an increased rate, Thus the Yo Yo effect. Try it next time you're bladdered, I think you'll find it's true.
Meanwhile back at science central my computer has come up with a problem. It seems a previous version of myself from another dimension has interupted the programme in an effort to stop a time loop beginning where I am forced to stay in this boring afternoon until the end of eternity.

iPod now playing - Time by Pink Floyd


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